Trannies and Spies

There is a most fabulous website where you can go and see what you look like as a hot tranny mess different celebrities. Usually, the end result is that makeup appears to be dripping from your eyes while you’re wearing a bad, brassy wig, but sometimes it turns out pretty well.

For instance, even though I’m a blonde, I don’t look half-bad with black hair. Which makes me think, wouldn’t it be awesome to be a spy? Forget the sneaking-around and life-risking parts and focus on the fun stuff: you get to change how you look all the time. I would do short red hair and curly brown hair and long long sexy black hair. And possibly a mustache.

And I would wear one of those awesome catsuits, and have magic powers, and be a billionaire! I forgot what I was talking about.

Not an Amish Paradise

I haven’t had internet for the past week, and I suffered severe withdraw symptoms, including but not limited to: shaking, night terrors, typing on my computer while it was shut off, and licking electrical outlets.

My apartment was supposed to get kitted out with the World Wide Web (ha, remember the ’90s?) today, but because I suck at technology it is probably not going to be up and running yet. But I was feening, so I am typing this from a little café on the Rue de Thérain…or, you know, in a free Wi-Fi zone. I just missed you little People of the Internet so much, and I was tickled pink to come back to some comments.

Anyway, I was going to write a handy-dandy little survival guide to living as an Amish person. But then my brain floated back into my head and I realized that anyone reading a blog post about how to subsist-sans-internet is on the internet. So. There goes that.

But in case your internet dies the second after you finish reading this, my recommendations for not shooting yourself with boredom when stuck in a webless house during a rainstorm (am I lucky, or am I lucky?) are as follows:

  1. Play Pac-Man. Lots and lots of Pac-Man. Preferably until your thumbs hurt and you are cursing at the screen, usually about how those stupid little ghost motherfuckers like to trap you in corners like a bunch of assholes.
  2. Watch The Vampire Diaries, Season One, even if you just watched all twenty-two episodes twice in the past week.
  3. Have sex.
  4. Go the mall, a lot, and wander aimlessly around Border’s going-out-of-business sale until you find a giant glossy coffee-table book for $3.23. Buy it, and then take it home to realize that half of it is red-carpet pictures from 1986.
  5. Have some more sex.

There you go, you lucky on-the-internet bastards.

What Google Thinks About You

Hey there! Are you a snoop? Would you consider yourself “nosy”?  Do you share a computer? Do you enjoy invading people’s privacy and/or learning things about them without their knowledge? Or, failing that, do you want to know more about yourself based on the ramblings of a crazy random Internet girl (me)? Well, then, this is the post for you!

What Your Google Searches Say About You (You Sick Freak, You)

If you commonly search things like: bars with no covers, beer, mixed drink special at Blarney’s Pub, how to make own mojitos, cheap vodka, my x-byofriedn’s neumbr becux heis nit nioce

Then it means: You’re probably a raging alcoholic, typically college-aged, but you don’t realize it because everyone you know is also a raging alcoholic! You might also be a slut.

If you commonly search things like: boobs, Asian girls, jugs, girl-on-girl, ostrich porn, live sex videos

Then it means: You’re really into ostrich porn. Oh, and maybe also other kinds. You’re probably a seventeen-year-old boy, or a twenty-seven-year-old boy, or a thirty-seven-year-old boy.

If you commonly search things like: The Wild Hearts WordPress, stupid blogs, blogs where girl talks about dumb things

Then it means: You’re awesome.

Also, this is the "pictures of people with animal heads" post. Just in case you were wondering.

Wasn’t that helpful? I hope you have learned all about yourselves, People of the Internet. As ever, I’m happy to assist you.

 

Stop Getting Teardrops on Your Guitars

Why is so much music depressing? “It’s your gradual descent into a life you never meant/It’s the slow fade of love,” are the inspirational words pumping out of my speakers right now (thanks for the sunny message, Rilo Kiley!). I mean, to be fair, it is my music, but Genius picked it, not me.

Seriously, though, 99.99(99999)% of the music I listen to seems to be sad. And I am a happy person. I am also kind of like a sponge, in that I soak up water and people use me to wash their dishes. No, just kidding, I’m a washcloth. (What I really meant is that I basically conform to the mood of whatever is around me, automatically, by accident. Not other people–fuck y’all, I’m still gonna be happy no matter what–but sad movies and music equal sad Wild Hearts.)

Maybe I am just a freak, and this doesn’t happen to anyone else. But if it does, then why can’t more music be happy? And I know what everyone is going to say:

  1. “People are expressing themselves through music, and people are sad.” Guess what, get the fuck over yourself. Your boyfriend dumped you and instead of moving on and sleeping with his hot friend, you wrote a four-page poem about it. That’s even more depressing than your lyrics.
  2. “There is plenty of happy music, and you’re just not listening to it!” Okay, sometimes, I want to listen to the kind of music I like (read: fun, interesting indie-ish music, like Basia Bulat and Minus the Bear, rather than radio tunes, which are also good but not exactly hanging-out jams por moi). And I’m not saying indie artists (what does that even MEAN?) don’t have happy songs, ’cause they totally do. But they are usually sandwiched between 973 depressing songs.

So. Being the proactive person I am, I didn’t just blather all this to complain. Oh, no. (Plus, I figure, some sick freaks–probably the same sorts of people who save their toenail clippings and watch A Walk to Remember with a straight face–actually like sad music, and I don’t want to hate on them. Much.) See, I came up with a solution.

How to Make Indie Music Artists Happy So They Write a Little More Happy Music (Ideally at Least 50% Happy On Each CD, Because Come On)

– Give them all puppies. Literally no one is sad around a puppy. If you just invented a time machine only to realize it can only go back to Holocaust-era Germany and never come back, and your life’s work is wasted on time-traveling-trips to Hitlerville, a puppy will cheer you up.

–Give them sex. FUN sex! Connor Oberst (I probably spelled his name wrong; I usually do, but I’m not going to Google it because I don’t care) is a sad motherfucker and he gets it in with every bright-eyed (ha!) girl who comes around. Clearly, they all suck in bed, or Connor (Conner? Konner? NGJSNG?) might stop writing slush about hot knives (although I do love that song). So maybe give them either a really good time, or pay someone to hop on that with pizazz and lots of smiling.

–Win the lottery and buy out an amusement park for the day; take them there. (If you don’t win the lotto, the lines and screaming children and annoying people saying, “I CAN GUESS YOUR AGE REALLY I CAN I SWEAR I CAN DO IT YOU’RE 15 RIGHT OH NO I WAS WRONG HAVE A GIANT FROG” will just depress them even more. Maybe that’s what happened with Pink Floyd.)

That’s all I’ve got. I didn’t really think it through, because I was pretty sure the puppy thing would work right out the gate. Or you could just listen to all the depressing stuff and pretend that it’s happy instead, like that girl who can’t take a hint and takes, “We need a break,” to mean, “He wants to take a break so he can go engagement-ring shopping in secret!” He never means that, honey. Go write a song about it, maybe?

Skin-Tight Jeans and Veronica Lake

Did everyone else know about Veronica Lake, and how pretty she is (was)?

The insane stuffed cat thing in the corner is also pretty stunning.

I literally had never heard of her–maybe, like, once in passing, but I’d never seen her before–and that is kind of bonkers, considering I adore all the glamorous ladies of the black-and-white era (Bardot, Monroe, Kelly–you name ‘em).

Seriously, though, there was a different class of woman back then. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a tart–I’m all for it, you slutty sluts you–but I kind of wish that old-school sexy was still considered “the” sexy. You know? I feel like if I bopped around dressed like Marilyn Monroe trying to get my sultry on, people would be all, “Where are your skin-tight low-rise jeans, fool?” And then I would change into them, because I also love skin-tight jeans.

So, upon reflection, the past was good, and now is good, and things are good. And Veronica Lake is pretty.

The Wild Hearts Seventy-Third Annual TV Awards

Hello, and welcome to this special edition of the Wild Hearts Annual TV Awards! It’s our 73rd anniversary!

Just kidding, the Internet machine didn’t work so well in 1938 on account of a slow WiFi connection. So welcome to the First Totally-Not-Annual May-Never-Happen-Again (Or-Maybe-Next-Month) TV Awards! Without further ado, here’s a list of the Wild Hearts winners!

1.) TV Show With the Hottest (Male) Cast

Winner: The Vampire Diaries. Um, have you SEEN Ian Somerhalder? I am fairly sure he’s the most attractive man who’s ever lived. And if you’re not into good-looking people, there’s always Paul Wesley. (Just kidding, he’s also devastatingly handsome, but without the stubble and dark hair, which knocks off a lot of points.) Not to mention the hot-ass History teacher, the decently cute brother of the main character (Nina Dobrev), and the handsome-in-a-jock way ex-boyfriend. Even the incidental characters who get killed off or make only a passing appearance are dead sexy (HAHAHA that’s a vampire joke, get it?). (Also, disclaimer, I’m only halfway through the first season on DVD so if all these people are totally not in the show anymore, don’t judge. They were hot when they were around, okay?)

2.) Preachiest TV Show of the Year (And Possibly Ever, Besides That Really Boring Show About Pregnant Secretive American Teenage Sluts or Whatever)

Winner: Glee.  Now, I know you Internet people love your Glee. And so do I, really. I love it so much that I own some of the songs on iTunes and I even occasionally watch The Glee Project. But that show is so mothertrucking preachy I don’t even think they re-read the script before filming. I feel like all the characters literally say things like, “You need to practice safe sex in the future. Abstinence is the only 100% effective way to make sure you don’t get pregnant or get an STD, but condoms are also good, when used correctly.” Like, they don’t even try to make the lines believable or blend-y. And tell me what-the-fuck bunch of high schoolers are that serious about stuff? I mean, they have so many issues and causes and boring monologues ramming things like gay marriage advocacy and better school arts programs down the viewers’ throats, it’s insane. (And hey, I am all for getting married to your same-sex sweetheart while being serenaded by a thriving high school show choir, but there are subtler ways to mention it, is all I’m saying.)

3.) Most Surprisingly Entertaining Show Considering Its Terrible Name and Network

Winner: Drop Dead Diva. In the interest of fairness, this show might SUCK, with all-capital letters and the strength of a giant Dyson vacuum, because I’ve only seen one episode. But I was entertained for a whole hour. And I have the attention span of a–what’s that floating thing? Yeah, so that’s saying a lot. Watch it, maybe, and tell me if it’s actually good or if this award is a fluke? (Kanye West hasn’t jumped in front of me and typed ACTUALLY MTV’S AWKWARD DESERVES THIS HONOR INSTEAD, so maybe it really is deserving. Although Awkward can have the runner-up prize; the two episodes I caught were okay-ish.)

Also, this is a really sloppy cast photo. I guess Lifetime is too busy cooking up movies where nannies kill people and get amnesia to spring for a glamour shot like every other channel.

4.) TV Show With the Most Sticking Power

Winner: Keeping Up with the Kardashians. This show just doesn’t get boring. I don’t know what it is. It’s been on for, what, eighteen billion seasons? (Okay, or six, counting the ongoing one, but come on, it feels like longer.) I feel like every time I flip the channel, there’s a ton of black hair and boobs in my face…and I love it. Seriously, though, the Kardashians don’t fail to entertain. Somehow, even after six years of shows, they are still interesting, even when they’re just, like, complaining and eating peanut butter.

5.) TV Show Most Worthy of the Hype

Winner: True Blood. Another disclaimer–I have only seen a handful of episodes, all out of order, so I mostly just looked at the pretty people and the blood and didn’t really pay attention to the plot. But their Southern accents are just delightful, and everything about that show just seems fun and different than every other lame hackneyed let’s-jump-on-the-Twilight-bandwagon show (my beloved Vampire Diaries aside, of course). Everyone is always going on and on about that damn show, but it actually seems like it’s worth the insane fan-dom.

So, there you have it. All winners scored the ultimate grand prize of a Polaroid camera*!

*Winners by the name of Ian Somerhalder may accept their prize with the stipulation that they must take LOTS of naked pictures and send them to contest holder (the Wild Hearts, ltd.).

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