MySpace Surveys

Remember MySpace surveys? Fuck, remember MySpace? Well, I found one, and being the creative individual that I am, that’s my blog post for today! Maybe my “Online Now” button is also flashing while I am listening to Simple Plan and crimping my hair, because MYSPACE.

Anyway, here goes. It’s so long, and so, so uninteresting. I tried to make it funny with my charm and wit, but come on. I’m only human. Besides, I am way more curious about the people who thoughtfully take the time to put together these lists and then watched them spread through MySpace about as fast as herpes spreads through, well, MySpace.

• 1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? No. He’s a great chap, but–how should I put this? I’d rather turn my own skin inside out and walk around like that all day.
• 2. You talked to an ex today, correct? Incorrect. You don’t know me!
• 3. Have you taken someones virginity? At gunpoint!
• 4. Is trust a big issue for you? No, why? Did someone tell you I have trust issues? It’s my mom, isn’t it! Isn’t it!
• 5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? LAME. Ugh, God, I’m having ‘Nam-style 8th-grade flashbacks when you didn’t date/fuck/”talk to” people, you “liked” them.
• 6. What are you excited for? This survey to end.
• 7. What happened tonight? This question doesn’t make sense. It’s only 7:00 PM. It’s not even “tonight.” The fuck I look like, a fortune-teller?
• 8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? Ask my liquor cabinet.
• 9. Is confidence cute? EWWWWWW STOP 8TH GRADE.
• 10. What is the last beverage you had? An Orange Julius and it was so fucking good.
• 11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? All of them, teehee! Let’s all go to my house and take roofies!
• 12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? Lots.
• 13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? Fuck your mother, James. (40-Year-Old Virgin, anyone? No?)
• 14. What are you going to spend money on next? Hunting down and torturing the creator of this survey.
• 15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? Yes, we’re totally “going steady” and he even holds my hand in public!
• 16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? Well, I feel that wearing clothes for 3 months straight might be a little constrictive of my fashion sense, so yes.
• 17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? You, survey. You.
• 18. The last time you felt broken? SHUT UP.
• 19. Have you had sex today? Me-ow.
• 20. Are you starting to realize anything? Whatthefuck?
• 21. Are you in a good mood? I was, before I started taking this survey, and now I just feel horribly locked into it.
• 22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? Maybe yes.
• 23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? Yes.
• 24. What do you want right this second? I believe we’ve discussed how much I want to stop filling out this survey.
• 25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? Adios, muchacho!
• 26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Mostly.
• 27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? No, I am not a robot.
• 28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? A really funny-looking mall cop.
• 29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? Yes.
• 30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? It depends on what. Ew, gross, I feel like I’m giving sincere answers now. Stop it, survey!
• 31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? OH SWEET MOTHER OF MARY I CANNOT TAKE THIS SURVEY ANYMORE. I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING TO LOOK DOWN AND BE WEARING PLEATHER PANTS AND HAVE CHEAP BONNEBELLE LIP GLOSS ON. STOPITSTOPIT I QUIT.
• 32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?
• 33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?
• 34. Listening to?
• 35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?
• 36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?
• 37. Do you believe in love at first sight?
• 38. Who did you last call?
• 39. Who was the last person you danced with?
• 40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?
• 41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?
• 42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?
• 43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?
• 44. Do you tan in the nude?
• 45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?
• 46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
• 47. Who was the last person to call you?
• 48. Do you sing in the shower?
• 49. Do you dance in the car?
• 50. Ever used a bow and arrow?
• 51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
• 52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
• 53. Is Christmas stressful?
• 54. Ever eat a pierogi?
• 55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
• 56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
• 57. Do you believe in ghosts?
• 58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
• 59. Take a vitamin daily?
• 60. Wear slippers?
• 61. Wear a bath robe?
• 62. What do you wear to bed?
• 63. First concert?
• 64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
• 65. Nike or Adidas?
• 66. Cheetos Or Fritos?
• 67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
• 68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?
• 69. Ever take dance lessons?
• 70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
• 71. Can you curl your tongue?
• 72. Ever won a spelling bee?
• 73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
• 74. What is your favorite book?
• 75. Do you study better with or without music?
• 76. Regularly burn incense?
• 77. Ever been in love?
• 78. Who would you like to see in concert?
• 79. What was the last concert you saw?
• 80. Hot tea or cold tea?
• 81. Tea or coffee?
• 82. Favorite type of cookie?
• 83. Can you swim well?
• 84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
• 85. Are you patient?
• 86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
• 87. Ever won a contest?
• 88. Ever have plastic surgery?
• 89. Which are better black or green olives?
• 90. Opinions on sex before marriage?
• 91. Best room for a fireplace?
• 92. Do you want to get married?

Do you see how much more there was? How much horrible, horrible survey? How did we do it, people? HOW?

Wow, They Really Straightened Up the Place

Last night, I went dancing at a fine establishment known as a gay bar. Now, for any girl who likes to dance and doesn’t like 400 horny guys trying to rub their dicks on her, a gay bar has always been the perfect solution (gay girls are a lot less pushy than straight dudes). You get to dress up, break it down, and have fun with your friends without having boners shoved everywhere.

Or so I thought, because apparently, some giant asshole TOLD STRAIGHT GUYS. Yeah, that’s right. Some giant douche decided to spill the beans and whisper, “Psst! Pass it on! Tons of straight girls go to gay clubs–it’s the perfect place to meet the ladies!”

I mean, clearly, if I am a straight girl at a club with rainbow flags everywhere and bouncers who look like they just walked off a gay bondage porno, I am there for a reason. And the reason is not that I love listening to gay icons blare through speakers at 5,000,000 decibels. The reason is that I want to dance all night without having to awkwardly reject people. Nothing against guys who mack on girls at clubs–I mean, it’s a club. That’s like going to an opium den and being like, “God, what a bunch of drug addicts!” But come on! Sometimes, I just want to dance like a slut for me, you know?

Instead, I was assaulted last night by 387 straight dudes asking me to dance and following me around the club and totally trying to rub their creepy penises on me. And I’m not a bitch–I didn’t say, “Fuck you,” I said, “No, but why don’t you dance with all of us?” and gestured to my lovely friends. At which point the straight-man infiltrator would then proceed to shake his head to that request and then superglue his crotch to my butt.

This happened the entire night, including guys who just kept. Coming. Back. I would let them do their exciting little boner grindy dance for about two seconds, and then very smoothy lift their hands over our head and twirl around so we were all dancing together. Which worked for a while, until the Ted lookalike (of How I Met Your Mother fame). But I’m pretty sure he was gay (maybe? Do gay guys get boners when they dance with girls, because that was not a wallet pressing on my ass), so I just went with it.

On one hand, I can’t complain. They were all actually totally decent-looking, and three of them could even be classified as something approaching “hot.” And they were all, with the exception of a seriously misguided lil’ dude, taller than me. On the other hand–listen, dolls, if I was single, I would rub against you like a kitty cat and then do something a little naughty outside the club, BUT I’M NOT. So go back to a straight bar where one of the girls you dance with might actually sleep with you (but she probably won’t).

Boobs (Yeah, That’s the Title)

It’s probably a good thing that I don’t have huge boobs. Because if I did, I’d be shoving them in people’s face like no one’s business.

On one hand, I kind of wish I was stacked. Because if you throw a rock at any straight dude (although holy catnip, why are you throwing rocks at people? Maybe you should go to an anger-management class or something, psycho), he’s gonna like boobs. The bigger, the better (at least until you get to, like, floor-dragging size. Unless he’s into that). Big ta-tas win out over small ones, every time, with very few exceptions. And being a B-cup, I’ll never have that “voluptuous sexy” thing going on. Suuuuucks for me.

But, flip side, I really like my girls. They’re perky and symmetrical and when I don’t wear a bra, they don’t unravel like Froot-by-the-Foots or something (if you’re saying, “Big boobs don’t do that!” well, I’ve seen things. Terrible things). And I like that I can wear low-cut shirts and skimpy stuff and not look like a complete whore (just like a kind-of-sort-of-slutty mini-whore). Plus they don’t smack me in the face when I go running, and not getting bitch-slapped by your own anatomy is always a plus.

But since I don’t think the Boob Fairy is going to sweep into my room in the middle of the night and dazzle me with a pair of D-cups, I’m just gonna have to rock what I’ve got. Possibly by walking around topless and yelling, “Yeah, that’s right, I have awesome tits,” whenever people stare. Because that’s normal.

Whip Your Hurr

I wish I was a little ballsier with my hair color. I have only dyed it weirdly once (bright, cherry-berry Ariel red), and it was an accident (I was trying to go auburn). My natural hair color is this weird dirty blonde-gray combo, so I’ve been highlighting it since basically forever. But then I had the classic movie-like First Big Breakup and revenge-dyed my hair like, slutty blonde–way lighter than my natural color. Which was fine, until the horrible roots grew in like five inches.

So. I just re-dyed my hair (the terrible Breakup du juor was a while ago–three different guys ago, in fact–but my hair grows ridiculously slowly) to something kind of (but not really) resembling my natural color (who the fuck would buy “ugly gray-blonde”? They don’t sell that shit in stores). But I can’t help wishing I would just pull a Cowardly-Lion-at-the-end-of-The-Wizard-of-Oz and be brave for once in my life. And do something crazy, like blue highlights.

I mean, this?

She totally pulls it off. But one of the biggest reasons I’m too lazy to dye my hair a crazy color is because…

a.) I may be the laziest person who has ever lived (well, okay, I come in second to those people to have to be cut out of their trailers, maybe), and…

b.) I’m broke.

Those two things don’t really make me want to spend $$$ on dye every, like, month. And then there’s c.), I’m a huge chicken.

But I was thinking…if it’s just highlights, and not all-over color, maybe it won’t be so awful when it grows out? And so now I’m thinking I want pale turquoise or teal highlights underneath my hair. Stupid? Probably. Awesome? Also probably. Kinda like this, but a little lighter:

Like this gorgeous color, but only little pieces of it:

The big question is, will I do it? And the big answer is probably not, because I suck, but at least I can drool over hair I will never have. C’est la vie. I’m just going to go binge-drink and fishtail braid while crying.