26 Jan 2013
Tags: basketball, clothes, fashion, hobbies, judgmental, makeup, mean, people, shallow, shopaholic, style, stylist, superficial, woodworker
You know what word I hate? Superficial. And most of its synonyms (which, I’ll admit, I totally just Googled)–shallow, skin-deep, sciolistic. Now, I now there are a lot of meanings to these words, some of which are terrible, like being self-absorbed to the point of ignorance. But when most people toss out the word “superficial,” it’s regarding a girl who is obsessed with fashion and makeup and clothes, because these are “shallow,” “superficial” things.
And you know who is someone who’s obsessed with fashion and makeup and clothes? Me. So I take offense to that, thankyouverymuch! Because here’s how I see it–a stamp-collector, or a basketball fanatic, or an avid woodworker, or a surfer who never leaves the ocean–are all obsessed with something particular, and no one calls them “superficial.” Why? Because style and cosmetics are related to one’s appearance, and woodworking–not so much.
But why does loving these things have to make you “shallow,” when no one would say that to a fat guy in a Nets jersey who DVRs every game? Why can’t people separate the fact that “superficial” things relate to aesthetic with the “superficial” person’s love of these things? Loving clothes doesn’t mean you love them because you are self-absorbed regarding your own appearance, it could mean that you appreciate the artistry in a fashion designer’s work, or that you love the experience of pairing and styling clothes to create outfits. It’s all fine and dandy for a nerd to bore your face off about Dr. Who, but if you breathe a word about Chanel, you’re suddenly a boring, shallow bimbo.
So, people-who-label-and-shame-others-by-calling-them-superficial, the next time you decide to write off a makeup junkie or a shopaholic, realize that it’s just a hobby or fixation like anything else, and then go back to your bird-watching or scrapbooking.
30 Dec 2012
Tags: christian louboutin, fashion, fetish, five, foot fetishest, heels, sexy, shoes, valentino
The title says it all.
I’ve been dying for these Valentino Rockstar heels since I first saw them. What can I say, it was love at first sight.
I’m not the hugest fan of platforms–heels without platforms are so much more elegant–but how cute are these velvet shoes?
01 Dec 2012
Tags: blog, clash, clothes, fashion, jeans, kardashian, money, patterns, quiz, shopping, style, sweater
I have loved clothes ever since I was a little girl. I like to think I was pretty fashionable even as a 5-year-old–trust, my oversized Nike tee and my vast collection of Ariel gear would be indie gold today–but it took me a long time to hit my shopping stride. Let me explain–I’ve never had problems shopping until I drop (mostly my jaw, when looking over my bank statement). But until a year or so ago, I wouldn’t say that I was shopping properly.
See, there are three types of clothing shoppers. And if you ask me, these could apply to personalities as well, but some people don’t like to be defined by their ugly shoes, and that is their right. So, there’s…
- Shopper Numero Uno. This person is the practicalist. They don’t like shopping for clothes. They get in (to boring stores with cheap clothes) and get out with the bare necessities. They probably wear running shoes as sneakers and own jeans that make their butt look flat.
- Shopper Numero Dos. This kind of shopper is also practical, but they have a modicum of personal style. They shop at plain stores and aren’t super into it, but they have enough sense not to wear Shoxx out to dinner.
- Shopper Numero Tres. The trend-whore. This shopper leafs through Lucky, runs to the store, and spends $600 on high-waisted baroque pants that make them look like a 15th-century whale.
- Shopper Numero Quatro. The classic shopper. They know that quality is worth more than quantity and they buy clothes that flatter their body type. They don’t like to change it up–they know what works for them and they stick to it. Forever.
- Shopper Numero Cinco. This is the best type of shopper. They’re a healthy mix of Dos, Tres, and Quatro. They shop smart, know what works for their shape and style, but still try new things.
See, I just made that up right off the top of my head, but it seems pretty accurate. You can probably squish anybody into one of these categories (if you’re some kind of cruel freak who likes to label others–God, what kind of monster are you?!). And so for my whole life, I was a Tres-Quatro. I had my body-conscious, never-change-’em clothes (ancient jeans that I still wear–they hug my body even after 700 washes), but for everything else, I’d just run out and get whatever was in stores. If i liked it, I bought it. The end result was a tragically overstuffed closet filled with clothes that clashed more than two Kardashian sisters fighting over a basketball player. I couldn’t put together an outfit to save my life, unless it involved a stripy top and floral-patterned bottoms.
But then, in a beautiful moment of clarity–or, you know, getting really sick of having a half-useless wardrobe–I realized: you have to shop for staples. The majority of your wardrobe should be well-fitting, nice, practical staples. Jeans. Black leggings. Black tank tops and tees. White tank tops and tees. Plain-colored cardigans and sweaters. And then, once you feel like you’re in a Uniqlo, you can finally get fun things, because hey, you know something you own will match them.
In conclusion, I am now the most fashionable person in the world, and you can be too. Click this link to take my, “What kind of shopper are you?” quiz and then buy my styling book (Stop Dressing Like That, Fugly!) for the low cost of three installments of $19.99!
30 Aug 2012
Tags: autumn, boots, clothes, cozy, fall, fashion, favorite, love, plaid, pretty, season, sex, sexy, skirt
Fall is my favorite season. It’s the perfect temperature–hoodie weather!–and everything is beautiful (extra so to me, since reds and golds are some of my top colors). Plus, the best parts are that you can wear anything. Literally anything! It’s still warm enough for skirts with cozy cardigans, or jeans, and…okay, if you couldn’t tell, this is just going to be me talking about the clothes I want for fall.
So, foxy little foxies, here is my mandatory wish list for fall. Feel free to buy anything and everything seen below and overnight it to me. Or buy it for yourself and roll around in leaves–or have sex in some! (Just watch out for slugs…I can think of few mood-killers worse than a slug in the wrong place.)
1.) Riding boots. Riding boots are sooo quintessentially fall. I don’t really know why, maybe because they’re preppy–all great fall clothes are, because of memories of going back-to-school or something? Who knows, who cares, buy me some. Snap snap, my delicate feet are catching a chill!
2.) Plaid. Especially in red. So cozy and cute and cuddly, and it crosses over into winter so easily. I have a super-cozy red plaid flannel button-down and you just look so effortlessly cute (or I do, anyway).
Best part? The gents look sexy too
3.) Wool skirts. Are you catching the drift here? Schoolgirl chic, with a kick! (Ha.)
Are you still just sitting dumbly at your computer screen waiting for more things to list? Well, so am I…but I refuse to post them until I get some creamy mocha leather riding boots in my size. Giddy-up!
08 Mar 2012
Tags: american apparel, blog, cars, clothes, fashion, longing, need, pretty, sex, sexy, signe siemsen, style, want
Right now, I am longing for…
…a bright red shirt with the Coca-Cola logo on it, fresh flowers to fill my room, a Jag, less split ends, a spa day, a tiny fuzzy pet to hug, tan suede wedges, slutty velvet dresses from American Apparel, a stable full of horses, summertime, more sushi from the place up the street, a plain tank top in every color of the rainbow but mostly black, and the motivation to work on my other blog.
Oh, shhh, I’m starting a personal blog! Kind of fashiony, kind of not, lots of pictures of my sexual self (but not sexual pictures, you little pervs)–you know the type. But tragically, none of you can ever see it since you read all my freaky-deaky thoughts and you know all my deep-dark secrets. So why am I telling you, you ask? Well, for no reason, I answer! Anyway, what are you longing for tonight?
04 Mar 2012
Tags: ankle socks, book, booties, boots, child, clothing, cues, fashion, girl, humbert, innocent, kid, lolita, lolly, movie, outfit, sex, sexy, stanley kubrick, style, tease, vladimir nabokov
When you hear the word “Lolita,” you probably think one of these things:
- Oh, the book written by Vladimir Nabokov.
- Oh, the movie by Stanley Kubrick.
- Oh, the girl’s name.
- Oh my, I have no idea what this person is talking about. I’m going to pretend I got a text.
When I hear Lolita, I instantly think of boots with lacy ankle socks. Say what you will about the supremely creepy Humbert Humbert, but Lolita herself had some style. Red heart-shaped sunglasses? Adorable socks? Little dresses? I never saw the film, but H. H. here goes into ridiculous detail over what his stepdaughter/mini girlfriend wears in the book. And she might be twelve, but girlfriend knows how to put together an ensemble.
So I say, take some style cues from Dolores “Lolita” Haze. Who cares if you’re twelve or twenty, this smashing style can work for anyone!
However, I am so not talking about that weird Asian lollicon nonsense. I know that in Japan they have a whole “Lolita style” thing going on, but it’s so bastardized that I like to pretend it doesn’t exist–if you read the book, Lolita is not a 19th century ten-year-old who wears giant poofy dresses and carries a parasol. She is your average skinny little girl who runs around in regular kid clothes and has a really good tan, according to Humbert Humbert’s creepy moaning over her.
So how can I dress like a twelve-year-old so that creepy old men get sprung over me, you ask? Why, it’s simple! To add an edge of Lolita sexiness without looking like a
weird cosplaying Asian one of those people who sleeps in a crib after they get home from practicing law wanna-be kid, the key is to keep your outfit mostly age-appropriate and then mix in some innocently sexy pieces.
Think a cute dress you’d wear normally, with my Lolita favorite: ankle socks with heeled booties. Or an oversized sweater over a short, flippy skirt. Or, you know, you could just walk around dressed in too-small clothes and suck on a lollipop and see how that works out for you.
13 Dec 2011
Tags: boots, clothes, cold, crocs, expensive, fashion, footwear, fun, fuzzy, girl, girls, jennifer lopez, money, pretty, rain boots, shoes, shopping, snowy, sophia loren, style, ugg, uggs, wet, winter
It’s winter. Your poor little feet are cold, and you want some adorable boots that go with everything. There’s snow on the ground, and you need to buy some shoes, stat. So what do you do? You snatch your mom’s credit card, bop on down to the Ugg Emporium, and spend $150 on these things.
Now, there are worse shoes. Crocs, for example. Or those boots made out of denim that JLo used to wear back when she was Jenny. Uggs are actually kind of adorable, like little fluffy puppies you shove your feet into, only without the animal abuse. (Unless you count all the dead sheep used to make le Uggs.)
This might be abuse-ish if no one takes down their laundry, but awwww!
But. $150? $150?!!?!? I have a friend who owns about ten pairs of the things, and you aren’t supposed to get them wet, apparently, because it ruins the outside (unless you buy their $20 Care Kit!). She said hers came also with a slip that told her not to wear them with socks, because it’ll wear out the fluffiness of the inside. So, in summary, Uggs are $150-$350 winter boots that you can’t get wet or wear with socks?
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY. Why. I don’t understand. They are casual and comfortable and you just plop your tootsies in there and go, and the colors are nice, and from what I understand they’re fairly well made. These things all make sense. But there are so many better options! If I’m going to spend $150 on shoes, I’m going to spend them on shoes that don’t look like a 5-year-old girl’s galoshes.
Here are some great alternatives to
making your feet look like fat sheepskin pillows buying Uggs: these Steven Madden boots ($150), these gorgeous heeled ones from Mod Cloth (only $50!), these classy J. Crew boots ($350), these two-toned platforms from Clark’s ($210), or these Guess boots ($105).
Pick any of them! Just, for the love of God, if you’re going to spend some people’s weekly paycheck on shoes, at least make them beautiful boots that will make you look sophisticated and sexy, instead of I’m-a-fashionless-drone-whose-Uggs-perfectly-match-my-ripped-Abercrombie-jeans-and-hoodie!
See, Sophia Loren can rock a pair of boots.
31 Jul 2011
Tags: buy, fashion, gorgeous, prints, sexy, shoes, shopping, style, want, wild, wonderful
Don’t be shocked, but I’m going to post a picture of shoes and ramble on about how much I want them. Oooohhh, these shoes are sooooo great, I love them sooooo much, pleaseeee someone buy them for me.
No, but seriously, go to the store, buy those, and mail ‘em on over.
20 Jul 2011
Tags: autumn, clothes, fall, fashion, garter, leaves, seasons, sexy, slut, slutty, stockings, style, thigh-highs, wearing, whore, winter
I am excited for Fall Sexy.
What is Fall Sexy, you ask? (I heard you. You can’t deny it. You’re sitting there with your hands on the keyboard, talking out loud. That’s kind of weird. But doesn’t it feel like we’re having a conversation right now, except it’s like a conversation with a psychic on account of the fact that I heard you say, “What is Fall Sexy?” and I’m probably three hundred miles away? Oh, wait, you didn’t ask about Fall Sexy? Well, you sure have stuck in here reading this whole thing, then. Kudos.)
Sorry, I got a little carried away trying to convince certain People of the Internet that I’m a psychic. Anyway, Fall Sexy. Fall is just this great wonderful fabulous season, for a million reasons–it’s the perfect temperature, the air feels crisp, it’s beautiful, and everything just seems fucking great in the fall. But one of the best things is that it’s the perfect time to dress like a minxy vixen.
See, look at it this way: Winter is too cold to wear anything a little slutty outdoors. No strappy heels (and no heels at all, if you live in Snowhell like me), no dresses, and everything else covered up under a giant coat. And Summer is great to wear short-shorts and flirty little sundresses, but it’s way too hot to swan around in garters or long sleeves, both of which can be sodamnsexy. And fuck Spring, that shit is muddy.
Which leaves us with glorious glorious Fall. You can wear skirts, or you can wear pants. You can wear a whorish dress and then make it [a little] classier with a cardigan. And, my favorite part of all, you can wear hosiery. I go buck-fucking-wild with my stockings and thigh-highs and tights in the fall, because a.) you can wear the shortest skirts ever and no one can say a word, and b.) these things are sex on legs (literally).
Plus, in case you couldn’t tell from the way I kind of word-fucked it earlier, Fall is my favorite season. And everyone looks good when they’re happy. (Awww, look how I ended on that sweet sentimental note! Now go buy some whore outfits, you delicious slatterns. [Also, my goodness, there are a lot of synonyms for "slut." But stop reading and go shopping, you trollop!])