Wow, They Really Straightened Up the Place

Last night, I went dancing at a fine establishment known as a gay bar. Now, for any girl who likes to dance and doesn’t like 400 horny guys trying to rub their dicks on her, a gay bar has always been the perfect solution (gay girls are a lot less pushy than straight dudes). You get to dress up, break it down, and have fun with your friends without having boners shoved everywhere.

Or so I thought, because apparently, some giant asshole TOLD STRAIGHT GUYS. Yeah, that’s right. Some giant douche decided to spill the beans and whisper, “Psst! Pass it on! Tons of straight girls go to gay clubs–it’s the perfect place to meet the ladies!”

I mean, clearly, if I am a straight girl at a club with rainbow flags everywhere and bouncers who look like they just walked off a gay bondage porno, I am there for a reason. And the reason is not that I love listening to gay icons blare through speakers at 5,000,000 decibels. The reason is that I want to dance all night without having to awkwardly reject people. Nothing against guys who mack on girls at clubs–I mean, it’s a club. That’s like going to an opium den and being like, “God, what a bunch of drug addicts!” But come on! Sometimes, I just want to dance like a slut for me, you know?

Instead, I was assaulted last night by 387 straight dudes asking me to dance and following me around the club and totally trying to rub their creepy penises on me. And I’m not a bitch–I didn’t say, “Fuck you,” I said, “No, but why don’t you dance with all of us?” and gestured to my lovely friends. At which point the straight-man infiltrator would then proceed to shake his head to that request and then superglue his crotch to my butt.

This happened the entire night, including guys who just kept. Coming. Back. I would let them do their exciting little boner grindy dance for about two seconds, and then very smoothy lift their hands over our head and twirl around so we were all dancing together. Which worked for a while, until the Ted lookalike (of How I Met Your Mother fame). But I’m pretty sure he was gay (maybe? Do gay guys get boners when they dance with girls, because that was not a wallet pressing on my ass), so I just went with it.

On one hand, I can’t complain. They were all actually totally decent-looking, and three of them could even be classified as something approaching “hot.” And they were all, with the exception of a seriously misguided lil’ dude, taller than me. On the other hand–listen, dolls, if I was single, I would rub against you like a kitty cat and then do something a little naughty outside the club, BUT I’M NOT. So go back to a straight bar where one of the girls you dance with might actually sleep with you (but she probably won’t).

Let’s Go Rouge: The WildHearts 2012 Totally Doable Ladies List

Hey, guys! Wow, it’s been a while! Almost a month to the day, to be exact! You’ve lost weight in the 26 days (I’m guesstimating) since we last spoke! And you there–did you grow out your beard? It really suits you!

Okay, now that we’re done catching up, welcome to my first post of 2012! It’s about lesbianism, so hold onto your pants. I’ve decided to make a list of celebrities I would totally jump if I liked lady parts. The thing is, though, I don’t like lady parts, and never will, so instead, you can use this as a helpful guide for kidnapping whichever celebrities YOU want to have lesbian sex with! Feel free to add to/amend this list in the comments, because I already promised the FBI I’d send them leads if Mila Kunis goes missing. Which brings us to…

1.) Mila Kunis. Surprise! I honestly think straight girls want her more than straight guys do. Almost every single girl I know fully wants to scissor with Mila, and I’m pretty sure they’d really do it, too. She seems cool and funny in every movie she’s in, she has great hair, and her face is kind of perfect. I don’t know what ladies-who-love-ladies look for in their women, but I can’t really think of better qualifications than “cool,” “funny,” and “hot.”

2.) Miranda Kerr. Maybe there’s something in the MK initials that makes someone super-gorgeous? Let’s all change our names and find out. Either way, Miranda Kerr is stupidly beautiful–and, again, practically every girl I know adores her. Total V magnet–plus, if I was gay, I would totally love to brag that my girlfriend was a Victoria’s Secret Model.

3.) Amber Heard. If any real, live, actual lesbians/bisexies are reading this, I put an attainable one on here for you! I think Amber Heard is gorgeous and she seems “real-er” than your average blond bombshell actress, if that makes a lick of sense. Even if she’s as fake as a Barbie’s ass, though, she is very pretty and has the added bonus of being bi. You’re welcome.

4.) Beyonce. It’s Beyonce. Have you seen her dance, ever? I really don’t need to write anything else.

5.) Angelina Jolie. She’s a little old for me, but not for you, maybe? Either way, I saw recent pictures of her on the red carpet and nearly passed out. She’s unhumanly attractive. Whatever she does to stay looking so young–even if it’s killing kittens and drinking their blood–I want in (okay, the kittens are a dealbreaker). If she’s too aged for you, I’m sure there are girls who would go for her trashy young replacement Megan Fox. Foxy is also undoubtedly gorgeous but her annoying personality is less pretty.

Happy 2012, my little horn-dogs!

Edit: I was perusing some fashion blogs and I totally forgot about my massive girl-crush on Jessica Stam, mostly because I forgot she existed. But she is so pretty in that way that all girls I like to be pretty–like an adorable doll, but edgier. Plus she’s way taller than me so I wouldn’t have to be the butch. So I present Bonus Biddy of the WildHearts 2012 Totally Doable Ladies List: Jess Stam!

She gets two pictures, because she’s a model and because I feel like it. You jelly, Miranda Kerr?

 

Dexter Is Still Sexy

I am way, way, way behind on this show. It is great. If anyone leaves a comment telling me anything that happens halfway after season two, I’ll make like Dex and chop you up (just kidding, that’s creepy and I’m a little squeamish).

But I have a problem, and the problem is that I can’t watch it without wanting to fuck Dexter. Not Michael C. Hall. Michael C. Hall has been divorced twice and seems a little slutty. Dexter, on the other hand, is a delicious sexy monster man with emotional issues and seriously jacked arms (well, I guess Mikey Hall has those too, but moving on).

And I’m sorry, but the scene in season one where he goes to the therapist and uncovers some cray-cray emotional flashbacks and then goes over to his girlfriend’s house and gets it in? Hottest. Thing. Ever.

See, I hate blonde men, and I really hate gingers, and Michael C. Hall is a mix of both. And he has blue eyes, I think, and despite the Cro-Magnon brow he has a tiny bit of a pretty-boy face. None of these things are my thing; in fact, they are the opposite of “my thing.” But something about Dexter makes me want to do omhfdngfjnjksgnd ridiculous things. He just has some kind of magic sexual sparkle dust that he, like, throws into my eyes from the TV screen. I mean, I’ve written a post about how hot he is before, but lately I am just overcome with lust watching that show.

I think it’s just animal magnetism. Like with Kayne West or Eric Dane or the guy who plays Thor–none of those guys are my scruffy, scrumptious type, but they just have that something sexy. And, well, yup, that’s pretty much my whole point with this post: I THINK CELEBRITIES ARE HOT AND I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM. There, that would’ve summed things up. But then you never would’ve seen that shirtless photo of Dexter, and I couldn’t deprive anyone of that pleasure.

The Wild Hearts Seventy-Third Annual TV Awards

Hello, and welcome to this special edition of the Wild Hearts Annual TV Awards! It’s our 73rd anniversary!

Just kidding, the Internet machine didn’t work so well in 1938 on account of a slow WiFi connection. So welcome to the First Totally-Not-Annual May-Never-Happen-Again (Or-Maybe-Next-Month) TV Awards! Without further ado, here’s a list of the Wild Hearts winners!

1.) TV Show With the Hottest (Male) Cast

Winner: The Vampire Diaries. Um, have you SEEN Ian Somerhalder? I am fairly sure he’s the most attractive man who’s ever lived. And if you’re not into good-looking people, there’s always Paul Wesley. (Just kidding, he’s also devastatingly handsome, but without the stubble and dark hair, which knocks off a lot of points.) Not to mention the hot-ass History teacher, the decently cute brother of the main character (Nina Dobrev), and the handsome-in-a-jock way ex-boyfriend. Even the incidental characters who get killed off or make only a passing appearance are dead sexy (HAHAHA that’s a vampire joke, get it?). (Also, disclaimer, I’m only halfway through the first season on DVD so if all these people are totally not in the show anymore, don’t judge. They were hot when they were around, okay?)

2.) Preachiest TV Show of the Year (And Possibly Ever, Besides That Really Boring Show About Pregnant Secretive American Teenage Sluts or Whatever)

Winner: Glee.  Now, I know you Internet people love your Glee. And so do I, really. I love it so much that I own some of the songs on iTunes and I even occasionally watch The Glee Project. But that show is so mothertrucking preachy I don’t even think they re-read the script before filming. I feel like all the characters literally say things like, “You need to practice safe sex in the future. Abstinence is the only 100% effective way to make sure you don’t get pregnant or get an STD, but condoms are also good, when used correctly.” Like, they don’t even try to make the lines believable or blend-y. And tell me what-the-fuck bunch of high schoolers are that serious about stuff? I mean, they have so many issues and causes and boring monologues ramming things like gay marriage advocacy and better school arts programs down the viewers’ throats, it’s insane. (And hey, I am all for getting married to your same-sex sweetheart while being serenaded by a thriving high school show choir, but there are subtler ways to mention it, is all I’m saying.)

3.) Most Surprisingly Entertaining Show Considering Its Terrible Name and Network

Winner: Drop Dead Diva. In the interest of fairness, this show might SUCK, with all-capital letters and the strength of a giant Dyson vacuum, because I’ve only seen one episode. But I was entertained for a whole hour. And I have the attention span of a–what’s that floating thing? Yeah, so that’s saying a lot. Watch it, maybe, and tell me if it’s actually good or if this award is a fluke? (Kanye West hasn’t jumped in front of me and typed ACTUALLY MTV’S AWKWARD DESERVES THIS HONOR INSTEAD, so maybe it really is deserving. Although Awkward can have the runner-up prize; the two episodes I caught were okay-ish.)

Also, this is a really sloppy cast photo. I guess Lifetime is too busy cooking up movies where nannies kill people and get amnesia to spring for a glamour shot like every other channel.

4.) TV Show With the Most Sticking Power

Winner: Keeping Up with the Kardashians. This show just doesn’t get boring. I don’t know what it is. It’s been on for, what, eighteen billion seasons? (Okay, or six, counting the ongoing one, but come on, it feels like longer.) I feel like every time I flip the channel, there’s a ton of black hair and boobs in my face…and I love it. Seriously, though, the Kardashians don’t fail to entertain. Somehow, even after six years of shows, they are still interesting, even when they’re just, like, complaining and eating peanut butter.

5.) TV Show Most Worthy of the Hype

Winner: True Blood. Another disclaimer–I have only seen a handful of episodes, all out of order, so I mostly just looked at the pretty people and the blood and didn’t really pay attention to the plot. But their Southern accents are just delightful, and everything about that show just seems fun and different than every other lame hackneyed let’s-jump-on-the-Twilight-bandwagon show (my beloved Vampire Diaries aside, of course). Everyone is always going on and on about that damn show, but it actually seems like it’s worth the insane fan-dom.

So, there you have it. All winners scored the ultimate grand prize of a Polaroid camera*!

*Winners by the name of Ian Somerhalder may accept their prize with the stipulation that they must take LOTS of naked pictures and send them to contest holder (the Wild Hearts, ltd.).

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