Down With Divas

Okay, so I recently found out about a horrible invention, and it’s called the DivaCup.

Now, before I get sued for slander or something, let me start by saying I’ve never tried it. But that’s basically like saying, “I don’t know if being eaten by three rabid alligators sucks, but I’ve never done it, so it’s not fair to say.” The DivaCup sounds like the most horrible thing since the Japanese Spider Crab, and that’s saying something.

For those of you who aren’t in the know about the DivaCup, it’s a cup for that-time-of-the-month usage. I’ll just spell it out for you: you stick it up your vag and it collects all the blood like a really horrifying glass of wine. YEAH.

I mean, there are so many things wrong with that I don’t even know where to begin. Like, first off, IT’S A CUP FILLED WITH BLOOD JUST CHILLING INSIDE YOU. But besides that, what if it falls out or something while you’re bopping around and people think you just got violently stabbed in the nether regions? What if when you’re changing it, you spill period blood (gag) all over yourself/your pants? And I’m assuming you have to clean that shit before you pop it back in, so how the fuck do you do that in a public restroom? Like, “Oh, hey, what’s up? You’re just washing your hands, huh? Yeah, I’m washing this cup that’s been shoved up my vajangles all day. Yuuup.”

Basically, it sounds like the worst idea ever. So, naturally, I Googled it to see if people who tried it were all like, “OMG it’s like being eaten by three rabid alligators!” But they weren’t. You know why? Because they were all weird hippie freaks.

Every testimonial (okay, the eight testimonials I read–fuck, I’m not a one-woman newspaper here) was like, “You are a huge piece of shit if you don’t use a DivaCup. Tampons and pads are so wasteful. Why don’t you just stab Mother Nature with a knife made out of child slave labor and nuclear waste? The glorious DivaCup is so environmentally friendly and we are amazing people for shoving it all up in our grills.” You should’ve heard what they said about people who use tampons with a plastic (rather than cardboard) applicator: “DIE EARTH-HATING SCUM!”

Okay, not in so many words. But that was seriously the general message. A lot of people tossed around words like “disgust” and “horrible” for people like me, who prefer the clean, sanitary, apparently environment-killing Playtex Sport tampons. Like, really? Next time I see you I’m going to punch you in the stomach so hard your stupid DivaCup comes popping out, dickhead. ‘Cause guess what? I don’t hate the earth because I don’t want to be a walking blood bank; some people are just not down with the idea of having a chalice of O-positive in their pants all day.

In conclusion: wear your DivaCups all day every day if that’s what you’re into, but don’t hate on everyone else, or they might just spray areosal cans into the sky just to spite you. (Also, if you’re a dude, I seriously apologize for this post. It just had to be done.)

 

Mother Nature, 1; Me, 0

I’ve been cockblocked. AGAIN.

See, Mother Nature, for some reason, was all like, “Oh? What’s that? You’re only going to see your Guy for three days during the whole winter break? Well, gosh, that sounds like a great time to give you your period! Have fun, sweetie!” Fucking bitch. I mean, seriously, maybe Ms. Nature could work on making it light out for longer than 5:00 pm instead of trying to mess up my sex life. (Okay, Mother Nature, I didn’t mean that thing about you being a fucking bitch. And also I didn’t mean it when I said it again just now. So maybe you could just call off this whole bleeding-from-places-I-want-to-have-sex thing? Pleeeaseee?)

Right now, I am just keeping my fingers crossed that this whole little nuisance goes away before I go out to see the Dude. And if not, at least I’ll be in a big city, with lots of super-tall buildings to jump off of.

Seriously, though, not getting any is just not a possibility. I may die. Of sexdeprivationhornitosisim. It’s a real medical condition, with science and everything. Look it up. I mean, I don’t want to give anybody their red wings, but I also don’t want to go to an early grave. Maybe it will at least go away long enough for shower sex?

I was asking all my girlie friends if they knew of any magical vodoo to stop those monthly shenanigans in their tracks, but nobody did. One of my friends said, “Just do it anyway. I have. And I mean, think about it, it’s just extra lube.” GDHSGBDSHBJ. There’s looking on the bright side, and then there’s really looking on the bright side, and then there’s that.

Whatever. I’m just going to be a hopeful little hoping thing, and at least either way I get to taste some delicious delicious…hmmm, what’s a less dirty word for “cock”? (Come on, no one says “I get to taste some penis.”) Plus, in all seriousness, I am just super-duper happy to see the Guy. I was going to write some corny-but-true shit about how stoked I am to get to snuggle with him and whatnot, but I just really can’t mesh that with a whole post about how my period is cockblocking me. So, to cut it short, keep your fingers crossed for me, Internet!