Not an Amish Paradise

I haven’t had internet for the past week, and I suffered severe withdraw symptoms, including but not limited to: shaking, night terrors, typing on my computer while it was shut off, and licking electrical outlets.

My apartment was supposed to get kitted out with the World Wide Web (ha, remember the ’90s?) today, but because I suck at technology it is probably not going to be up and running yet. But I was feening, so I am typing this from a little café on the Rue de Thérain…or, you know, in a free Wi-Fi zone. I just missed you little People of the Internet so much, and I was tickled pink to come back to some comments.

Anyway, I was going to write a handy-dandy little survival guide to living as an Amish person. But then my brain floated back into my head and I realized that anyone reading a blog post about how to subsist-sans-internet is on the internet. So. There goes that.

But in case your internet dies the second after you finish reading this, my recommendations for not shooting yourself with boredom when stuck in a webless house during a rainstorm (am I lucky, or am I lucky?) are as follows:

1. Play Pac-Man. Lots and lots of Pac-Man. Preferably until your thumbs hurt and you are cursing at the screen, usually about how those stupid little ghost motherfuckers like to trap you in corners like a bunch of assholes.
2. Watch The Vampire Diaries, Season One, even if you just watched all twenty-two episodes twice in the past week.
3. Have sex.
4. Go the mall, a lot, and wander aimlessly around Border’s going-out-of-business sale until you find a giant glossy coffee-table book for $3.23. Buy it, and then take it home to realize that half of it is red-carpet pictures from 1986.
5. Have some more sex.

There you go, you lucky on-the-internet bastards.

The Wild Hearts Seventy-Third Annual TV Awards

Hello, and welcome to this special edition of the Wild Hearts Annual TV Awards! It’s our 73rd anniversary!

Just kidding, the Internet machine didn’t work so well in 1938 on account of a slow WiFi connection. So welcome to the First Totally-Not-Annual May-Never-Happen-Again (Or-Maybe-Next-Month) TV Awards! Without further ado, here’s a list of the Wild Hearts winners!

1.) TV Show With the Hottest (Male) Cast

Winner: The Vampire Diaries. Um, have you SEEN Ian Somerhalder? I am fairly sure he’s the most attractive man who’s ever lived. And if you’re not into good-looking people, there’s always Paul Wesley. (Just kidding, he’s also devastatingly handsome, but without the stubble and dark hair, which knocks off a lot of points.) Not to mention the hot-ass History teacher, the decently cute brother of the main character (Nina Dobrev), and the handsome-in-a-jock way ex-boyfriend. Even the incidental characters who get killed off or make only a passing appearance are dead sexy (HAHAHA that’s a vampire joke, get it?). (Also, disclaimer, I’m only halfway through the first season on DVD so if all these people are totally not in the show anymore, don’t judge. They were hot when they were around, okay?)

2.) Preachiest TV Show of the Year (And Possibly Ever, Besides That Really Boring Show About Pregnant Secretive American Teenage Sluts or Whatever)

Winner: Glee.  Now, I know you Internet people love your Glee. And so do I, really. I love it so much that I own some of the songs on iTunes and I even occasionally watch The Glee Project. But that show is so mothertrucking preachy I don’t even think they re-read the script before filming. I feel like all the characters literally say things like, “You need to practice safe sex in the future. Abstinence is the only 100% effective way to make sure you don’t get pregnant or get an STD, but condoms are also good, when used correctly.” Like, they don’t even try to make the lines believable or blend-y. And tell me what-the-fuck bunch of high schoolers are that serious about stuff? I mean, they have so many issues and causes and boring monologues ramming things like gay marriage advocacy and better school arts programs down the viewers’ throats, it’s insane. (And hey, I am all for getting married to your same-sex sweetheart while being serenaded by a thriving high school show choir, but there are subtler ways to mention it, is all I’m saying.)

3.) Most Surprisingly Entertaining Show Considering Its Terrible Name and Network

Winner: Drop Dead Diva. In the interest of fairness, this show might SUCK, with all-capital letters and the strength of a giant Dyson vacuum, because I’ve only seen one episode. But I was entertained for a whole hour. And I have the attention span of a–what’s that floating thing? Yeah, so that’s saying a lot. Watch it, maybe, and tell me if it’s actually good or if this award is a fluke? (Kanye West hasn’t jumped in front of me and typed ACTUALLY MTV’S AWKWARD DESERVES THIS HONOR INSTEAD, so maybe it really is deserving. Although Awkward can have the runner-up prize; the two episodes I caught were okay-ish.)

Also, this is a really sloppy cast photo. I guess Lifetime is too busy cooking up movies where nannies kill people and get amnesia to spring for a glamour shot like every other channel.

4.) TV Show With the Most Sticking Power

Winner: Keeping Up with the Kardashians. This show just doesn’t get boring. I don’t know what it is. It’s been on for, what, eighteen billion seasons? (Okay, or six, counting the ongoing one, but come on, it feels like longer.) I feel like every time I flip the channel, there’s a ton of black hair and boobs in my face…and I love it. Seriously, though, the Kardashians don’t fail to entertain. Somehow, even after six years of shows, they are still interesting, even when they’re just, like, complaining and eating peanut butter.

5.) TV Show Most Worthy of the Hype

Winner: True Blood. Another disclaimer–I have only seen a handful of episodes, all out of order, so I mostly just looked at the pretty people and the blood and didn’t really pay attention to the plot. But their Southern accents are just delightful, and everything about that show just seems fun and different than every other lame hackneyed let’s-jump-on-the-Twilight-bandwagon show (my beloved Vampire Diaries aside, of course). Everyone is always going on and on about that damn show, but it actually seems like it’s worth the insane fan-dom.

So, there you have it. All winners scored the ultimate grand prize of a Polaroid camera*!

*Winners by the name of Ian Somerhalder may accept their prize with the stipulation that they must take LOTS of naked pictures and send them to contest holder (the Wild Hearts, ltd.).