You, and Other Things I Love

First of all, let me just say how much I fucking love you sexy little people for reading my blog! I just had my highest page views ever, and my little stats bar looks like a mountain over the past few months. It’s wayyyy more fun writing down all my stupid thoughts when people read them and then comment, “I think the same stupid thing!” so I hereby send you all kisses from someone attractive.

Secondly, I am going to make a list of things I love (besides y’all). Why? Because it is fun, that’s why. If you’re ever just slouching around your house in sweatpants watching Mad Men re-runs with an ice-cream spoon sticking out of your mouth, feeling bummed because Don Draper doesn’t hook up with girls/guys in sweatpants, you should ALSO make a list of things you love! I’m not sure if this is making any sense–to clarify, making a list of things you love cheers you up and has nothing to do with Don Draper, unless you put him on your list.

So, here are some things that I adore.

1. Finding keys when I’m out walking. I don’t know why, I just think it’s sort of magical-seeming. Like, what if I found a locked door and tried the key and IT WORKED and inside was a whimsical land full of faeries?!? Oh, that only happens in movies, you say? Fine, then I’m going to use my key on your car’s paint job.
2. That fresh-out-of-the-shower feeling. Mmmmph.
3. Being completely alone somewhere really beautiful.
4. That just-had-sex feeling. Mmmmph.
5. Swedish people. They are extremely gorgeous, their accents are cool, and they have great style. I base this solely on Swedish fashion blogs and have never been there so it must be true. But I have to believe it, because I get mistaken for a Swede all the time and clearly it’s because I’m so gorgeous/have an awesome accent/am stylish.
6. Body lotion. I like it better than perfume, as much as I love perfume, because I feel it really lasts longer.
7. Forgetting about cups of tea and then drinking them hours later when they’re cold.
8. Young Johnny Depp. I mean, I wouldn’t kick Current Johnny Depp out of bed, but Young J is so attractive that it literally confounds me. He is a perfect flawless human specimen and if I had a time machine you bet your ass I’m using to it go visit Crybaby-era Johnny. (I’m making him keep the Crybaby hairstyle, too.)
9. Pretty pictures. There’s a reason Tumblr is so popular, and the reason is not all the annoying “reblog this picture of a war veteran dog with AIDS who is also an orphan and has terminal butt cancer” (REBLOGGING A DEPRESSING PICTURE DOESN’T CURE AIDS, PEOPLE). The reason is pretty pictures. Done.
10. Kissing. Mmmmph.
11. The way my nails look right after I just painted them (and before i inevitably smash my hand into something and ruin it all).
12. Mojitos with lots of mint leaves.
13. Fresh flowers in funny-looking vases everywhere. If I was rich I’d hire a Chief Executive Flower-Picker to always keep brand-new wildflowers on deck in adorable little bottles.
14. Getting letters.
15. YOU GUYS. (You’re so nice, I had to write you in twice!)

And that’s it. That’s everything I love in the whole world, so everything else just GET LOST! (I’m joking, Universe; please don’t smite me and leave me alone with nothing but a mojito and Young Johnny Depp. Or, you know, smite away.)

Okay, now it’s your turn. Next time you feel like poo just make a really long list of stupid things you like, and if you still feel like poo when you’re done with the list, just write more things until you fall asleep and then you won’t remember how sad you are! That’s emotional health if I ever saw it.

Things I Hate, Part Hatey-Two

Sometimes I hate things. These are some of the things I currently hate.

Not tigers. I love tigers.

1.) People who call women “females.” A girl cat is called a female cat, a bitch is a female dog (or your mother), and a chinchilla with lady parts (ew) is a female chinchilla. A female human is called a woman, or a girl, or any-fucking-thing you want besides female. It sounds weird, and kind of degrading considering the only other time it’s used is for animals. This fellow, Mr. Treat Women Right of Twitter fame, posted a tweet that said, “#Females have a bad habbit of holding on too long, #Men have a bad habbit of letting go too easily.” Dear Mr. Treat Women Right: First of all, I don’t know what a “habbit” is, and second of all, tweeting “females” and then “men” instead of “women” and then “men” is retarded. Would you say, “I’d like a peanut butter and preserves sandwich” or “Bread and margarine”? Well, you probably would, because you’re a weird freak who reads Cosmo, turns the advice section into mushy tweets, and then probably gives STDs to one of your 314,116 followers.

2.) The ridiculous, overgeneralizing, sappy, feel-bad-for-me quotes on Tumblr. SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP. I am not really sure when teenage girls are going to realize that 100% of people–even other teenage girls–would rather be around happy people than miserable people, but for the sake of my brain, I hope that time comes soon. I would just unfollow every single Tumblr who posts that shit, but then I would offend a lot of friends and also be following no one.

3.) Stare-ers. Put your eyes back in your head or else I will do it for you using something spiky. I absolutely loathe being stared at. I know that I am a ridiculously sexy, gorgeous person, but when people look at me for longer than, say, ten seconds, their eyes have worn out their welcome. The world is a large and glorious place with much more interesting things than me to look at. This weird girl who looked like the Michelin Man stared at me for so long her head kind of turned around like an owl’s. I hope it got stuck that way and now she has to spin in a circle to do her full creeper stare.

4.) Not coming during sex. This only happens in circumstances where being interrupted or cockblocked is involved, because the Boy knows how to do his job, but I firmly believe there is a lady version of blue balls. Blue boobs, maybe? It makes me feel like a tingly pent-up bomb. (Except diffusing me is a lot more fun…ooer.)

5.) Feeling like a dick because I hate things other people like. I don’t like feeling like a ranty neurotic nitpicky weirdo. So now I double-hate all the things I hate!

I still love you, though, my faithful delicious readers. If I could I would send you all bonbons for Christmas, although I have never have bonbons, because they sound delightfully French and fancy, and those are two good adjectives.

 

Everyday I’m T-T-Tumblin’

I love Tumblr. In fact, I believe I should probably be entering a twelve-step program for it or something, based on the following equation:

[(Time spent on Tumblr)(Time spent on the computer) - (Time spent doing productive stuff)]/(24 hours) = GET A FUCKING LIFE.

Cats are good at math.

But I have never been a fan of math, so I’m just going to ignore that and keep T-T-Tumblin’. I have been completely neglecting the Tumblr associated with this blog in favor of my personal Tumblr, which I will never tell any of you Internet People (sorry), but it is seriously soooo fun. If you don’t have one, I have a handy-dandy quiz to help you decide whether or not you should get one!

The “Should I Get a Tumblr?” Quiz

1. I like pictures and photography. [Yes] [No]
2. I like pretty and/or attractive things. [Yes] [No]
3. I enjoy wasting lots of time on the Internet machine. [Yes] [No]
4. I like free porn. [Yes] [No]
5. I either like or hate pudding cups. [Yes] [No]

Okay, now to grade your quiz–if you answered “yes” to any of the above questions, you should get a Tumblr! YAYYY, Tumblrs and pudding cups (or no pudding cups) for everyone!

But as usual, I had an evil ulterior motive for writing this post–to bitch about Tumblr. You see, I love it, but some of the things people post make me want to drive a large rusted spike through my head. Or their heads, because I already suffered once having to read their posts. Besides the litany of Jonas Brothers/Demi Lavato/Beiber GIFS that always find their way onto my dash no matter who I follow, EVERYONE POSTS SAPPY RETARDED QUOTES. I’m sorry, but it’s true. And they are usually in the field of “My life sucks”/”I’ll be lonely forever”/”Do you still think about me while touching your penis, ex-boyfriend?”/”I will wait for you even though you cheated on me with a Russian transvestite” vein of thought.

Aside from that, though, it’s great, so go make one and then follow my Wildhearts Tumblr even though I never post anything. Hiii-yah!

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Talk Dirty to Me

Dearest People of the Internet, I love you. I love you even more when you tell me dirty little secrets, or ask me questions. And now I have a totally anonymous ask box (on my totally awesome new tumblr, which is basically like the pictures-only version of this blog), so you can get as filthy as you want and I’ll never know if you’re someone’s grandma or a nun or something. Go here and talk dirty.

Seriously. Be even filthier than that girl.