I love Scarlett Johansson. She is my favorite actress. And I feel like if we got stuck in an elevator together, she wouldn’t be all I’m-so-famous-and-you’re-not. I think she would whip out a notebook and suggest that we play hangman. And all her words would be totally awesome.
Or maybe she would be a total road whore. Either way, she’s still my favorite actress.
My mother (incorrectly) thinks I look like her, as did my ex and some randos. Wrong? Definitely. But a compliment? Also definitely.
My favorite actress used to be Julia Roberts, back in the nineties when she still did things. Things that aren’t called Eat Pray Love and Walk Around Various Lands Boringly for Two Hours. (I haven’t even watched that, but still.) But my litmus test for whether or not I really like a celebrity is the aforementioned elevator thing. You know what Julia Roberts would do if we got stuck in an elevator together? Beat me into the corner with her Birkin, yell, “Stay!” and then call her people to come get her out. (That would still be awesome. How many people can say that Julia Roberts hit them with a purse?)
I also love Robert Downey Jr. A LOT. He can do no wrong in my book. If we were stuck in an elevator, we would have an earnest discussion about the meaning of life, and ultimately conclude that it is to eat as much falafel as possible. (I’ve never had falafel. RDJ teaches me so much.)
And Marky Mark Wahlberg. I never really cared about him either way, and then I saw this picture.
You know what Marky Mark and I would do in an elevator? We would…we would…play checkers. (He has a wife, dicks.) No, I think he would rap for me. And then we would get in a rap battle. And then the fireman would save us, but we would be too busy rap-battling to notice. And then I would be a famous rapper, and I would rip out my teeth and replace them with rubies just to one-up Kanye. (In case you weren’t aware of this little gem [HAHAHA see what I did there?] he tore out his bottom teeth and had diamond teeth surgically implanted. WHAT A BOSS.)
Or maybe, with all these people, we would just stand there in awkward elevator silence until the firemen came.