Really Real Sex

HBO has taught me many things. Mainly, that Real Sex is the best show ever invented. Real Sex, in turn, has educated me to the horrors of the free world. Seriously, that show will scar you. And also teach you about things you never knew existed, like hippie sex communes and radio-show hosts who fuck while on the air. If you have a strong stomach and a dirty mind, it is a solid entertainment choice, although there is a LOT (and I mean a lot) of bush and floppy old-people skin.

The weirdest thing I ever saw on that show, though, was this thing about a woman in porn who had sex with, like, four guys at once. I’m not talking double-anal, double-vaginal either (for those of you still innocent in the ways of the world, prepare to get ruined–SPOILER ALERT: your youth–that means two dicks per lady-opening). Nope, this adventurous lass could somehow have up to four dicks inside her vagina AT ONCE.

"What will I do with all these men? Oh, fuck them, I guess...simultaneously!"

 

I am willing to take a lot at face value. Like, I’m not going to ask how she built up to that level of dick-taking, or why the fuck people find Holland-Tunnel-vag appealing. But I am so curious about the logistics.

Like, how do they stand? Is it like a sex flower, where they all face different directions? How don’t their legs overlap? And do they all just go at their own pace, willy-nilly, with their dicks just going bumpity-bump-bump against each other? Or do they all try and keep the same rhythm? And then if they do all go at the same pace, who is keeping time? Does that mean one of the porn stars has to be a former drum major and shouts out, “Ah-one! Ah-two! Ah-three! Ah-four!” so they can all go insies-outsies simultaneously?

Pretty much the only thing I do know is that I never, ever, ever want to see that. Ever.

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