A Guide to Coming Out About Being a Sex Worker

Apparently, in Japan, they have all these crazy sex clubs where models swim around in fish tanks or serve drinks or get groped on a fake train. This just further serves to prove that Japanese people are really, extremely weird. It also proves that I should move to Japan and get a job.

See, I guess they have a thing for foreigners, when they’re not busy stuffing their own ladies into creepily underaged schoolgirl costumes and marrying anime characters. And being tall and blonde in Japan seems pretty damn foreign to me. I can swim in a fish tank, so I think I might have to buy some tickets.

Seriously, I’m going to stop stereotyping an entire country now (but seriously, they seem pretty weird) and get to the point. Oh, wait, I don’t have one. But my own mindless rambling did make me think, how would I tell my parents that I’m moving to Japan to be a sex worker?

Like, how do strippers break that news to the ‘rents? “How’d you pay for that new purse, honey?” “SLIDING UP AND DOWN A POLE IN A G-STRING AND SAVING ALL THE DOLLAR BILLS. Oh, fuck, that just slipped out. And also I’m a stripper.” Or prostitutes? Do you build up to it, or do you just toss it into conversation? Well, if you’re a stripper/hooker/something else awkwardly sexual for a job, it’s your lucky day! (Unless you got herpes at work. In which case, today is really not going well for you.) Because I have taken it upon myself to do y’all a favor and write:

The Wild Hearts Guide For Breaking the News About Your Awkwardly Sexual Job to Your Parents or Other Old Important People (You Know, Like Uncle Jake, Who You’ve Always Looked Up to, or Grandma): Five Different Ways to Tell Them You’re a Whore Awkwardly Sexual Worker

  1. Say it in frosting. Nothing takes the sting out of, “I wasted thousands of dollars on a college education only to become a Chippendale’s dancer” like a cake. Some suggestions for the icing? “I Am a Man-Whore. But Look, Cake!” Or maybe, “I Swallow ‘Frosting’ For a Living, So This Seemed Like a Fitting Way to Tell You.” (Pro tip: you might have trouble fitting that all on one cake. And also that’s disgusting. I am ashamed of myself. But not ashamed enough to press backspace.)
  2. Throw it into an unrelated conversation. Like this: “So, I told Gladys, no, those aren’t primroses! I mean, can you believe her?” “I can’t. Also, I’m a prostitute.” Never fails.
  3. Invite them to your place of work. Your mom might not agree to go to a strip club or phone sex hot-line headquarters at first, but if you guarantee a really great surprise, she might cave. And what’s more surprising than learning that your so-called “law firm internship” is actually at a place called HOT NUDE LIVE LADIES XXX?
  4. Leave a note on the refrigerator.
  5. Sit them down and tell them that while they may not agree with your lifestyle choices, it’s what you want. Wait, nahh, that’d never work. Buy them a bouquet with a card saying, “I turn tricks–that’s how I was able to afford this sweet bundle o’ flowers! You’re welcome!”

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