A Movie Review (Don’t Worry, It’s Sexy)

I watched a movie called Chloe last night.

Personally, I think it should’ve been named “Creepy Girls, Lesbian Sex, and Tits: A Life Lesson in Why You Shouldn’t Hire a Call Girl to Fuck Your Husband.” But Chloe does have more of a ring to it.

Basically, SPOILER ALERT, the movie is about a scarily pink-faced lady (Julianne Moore) thinking her still-super-studly professor and general man-whore of a husband (Liam Neeson–also, isn’t Liam Neeson the best name ever? Just saying) is cheating on her. And she totally has good reason to, because he’s super sketchy and distant and has slutty college students blowing up his phone. So she does what any logical person would do, and calmly asks him about it (and about a text she found on his phone where some girl was like, “OMG THANX FOR CHILLIN LAST NITE IT WAS 2 COOL XXX LET’S BONE” with a picture of her and professor-man).

Oh, wait, no she doesn’t! She hires a call girl. Because OBVIOUSLY that is the sane and rational course of action. But whatever, moving on. She runs into a call girl named Chloe (Amanda Seyfried) in a way that kind of confused me and made no sense (like, how did she know she was a call girl? When did she get her number to arrange their meeting? Maybe they mentioned that but if they did I totally didn’t notice). And Chloe is all like, “Look, pink-faced lady, ginger bush isn’t really usually my thing…” and pink-faced lady is all, “No, it’s cool, I want you to fuck my husband.”

Like, what? Okay, she doesn’t really say that, but she does say, “Come on to him.” And then basically what goes on is that Chloe keeps meeting up with her and telling her all the filthy stuff she’s doing with Professor McManWhore, and Pink-Faced Lady is all like, “Why did you have sex with him? It’s not like I paid you to do that or anything!” but then she kind of gets over it and keeps letting Chloe tell her what goes on.

This is where the movie gets really weird. In case you couldn’t tell, it was already pretty bizarre, but now it just goes buckwild into crazy territory. Because Pink-Faced Lady and Chloe are at a hotel, and Chloe is like, “Blah blah blah your husband’s dick blah blah blah we had crazy sex blah,” and Pink-Faced Lady has a sort of creeperish smile. So Chloe is like, “Is this turning you on?” and Pink-Face doesn’t say anything, but the camera pans up over her squirming around like a giant pink horny worm and the obvious answer is, yes, I am so hot by hearing about my husband cheating on me! Mmm, mm! Good stuff!

Again, WHAT? But I guess Pink-Faced Lady is just not that normal, since she thinks it’s totally kosher to pay someone to fuck her hubby. And then, for reasons that are unclear to me, she has raunchy lesbian sex with Chloe. I watched this with a female friend and we both just stared around at the ceiling and the couch and anywhere but at the screen, because Pink-Faced Lady’s old-ass eraser nipples were taking up like 3/4ths of the screen. And they’re all like, “OOOOH,” and whatnot and then Chloe basically asks out Pink-Face and gives her a haircomb and Pink-Face kind of rejects her but keeps the comb like a total bitch.

So how does the also-incredibly-sane Chloe get revenge? She fucks Pink-Faced Lady’s spoiled asshole of a son and then Pink-Face catches her, and Chloe admits her love or something while trying to stab Pink-Face with the comb, and then she falls out the window and dies, and somehow this whole mess brought Pink-Face and Professor Man-Whore back together because he admits he never cheated (crazy Chloe made it all up to bang one out with Pink-Face, I guess?) and isn’t too pissed that his wife got it on with a hot young girl, because duh.

Overall, it was interesting, but also kind of made no sense at the same time. But I am easily swayed by attractive things, and Amanda Seyfried had great clothes/hair/makeup the whole time, so that was enough to keep me interested. It got knocked down some pretty points by flashing so much Julianne Moore nip (and more than a lot of Seyfried boob, too, but at least she’s not a zillion years old) but what can you do. If I had to give it a grade, I’d give it a B-? C+? I don’t know anymore, my brain is too addled by the sight of so much old-lady rack.


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jim
    Mar 21, 2011 @ 15:34:26

    51 is old lady? 81, sure. But 51?


    • thewildhearts
      Mar 21, 2011 @ 19:15:06

      Once you see her ta-tas, you’ll agree with me. No, jokes; in all seriousness she looks pretty bomb for her age. But I still don’t wanna see that chest–or youngblood Amanda Seyfried’s–in super-zoom hi-def. πŸ˜›


  2. stormy
    Mar 30, 2011 @ 00:30:33

    I actually just watched the lesbian sex scene right now. come on, it wasn’t that bad. It was pretty hot.

    Then again, your comments are making me wonder if I’m not entirely straight.


    • thewildhearts
      Mar 30, 2011 @ 12:56:52

      Well–it’s just a hunch I have–if you think a lesbian sex scene is hot, at least some part of you is maybe batting for the other team. A pinky toe, maybe? Ha, I make myself laugh. No, I kid. But honestly blondie was just too creepy for me; she was just like staring down Julianne Moore’s face like she was watching TV. πŸ˜›


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