Spoiler: I Make Fun of Fast Five

I just watched Fast Five, or Fast Five: Rio Heist, or Fast Five: Big Sweaty Guys Fight Each Other, Defy Physics, and Kill All of Brasil’s Innocents Without Giving a Fuck. I can see why they put the first two on movie posters, ’cause the third one is a little long.

Seriously, though, it was kind of good. Well, not good, but entertaining. If you want good acting, go watch something with ugly people in it. But if you want to watch sexy Paul Walker read straight from a teleprompter in a monotone talk, or see the sweat glistening on The Rock’s Dwayne Johnson’s majestic goatee (THERE IS SO MUCH SWEAT. HE SWEATS LIKE A GATORADE COMMERCIAL), this is your film.

I’ve never seen any of the other movies, so apparently this one was a little less racing-heavy. There is literally a part where they’re like, “Let’s race for cars,” and you get all pumped up to watch the race…and they don’t show it. They just have Vin Diesel and Walker swaggin’ back in with a new G-something-or-other. But there’s still some pretty boss driving scenes, although one of them results in the death of everyone in Brasil. (Spoiler: they literally are dragging a whole vault down the street with cars and it’s bouncing all over everything and crushing things and smashing into buildings. And there is a 100% chance they killed a bunch of little Brasilian babies.)

I was slightly distracted by Paul Walker’s wife/girlfriend/long-term fuckbuddy (I don’t know, okay? This is seriously the first Fast movie I’ve seen), because she has no top lip and so I kept thinking I was watching Planet of the Apes instead. So that was confusing.

Yeah, this isn't her.

Also, Dwayne Johnson has the hugest arms in the world. And they definitely slathered some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter on those babies between scenes, because those hams were glistening. His arms are easily the size of his (also glistening) head. Like, there’s a scene (spoiler) where he and Vin Diesel fight, and it was like Meat Transformers. Seriously, those dudes are SO BIG. And they were just crashing into each other like a bunch of alien robots made out of human parts (and steroids).

As for the requisite Lady Hotness portion of the movie, they had Elsa Pataky, who (spoiler) plays a lady cop who falls in love with Vin Diesel in 0.001 seconds. She’s all, “I gotta catch you, you’re bad!” and then he slams her against the wall to save her life and she’s like, “Would you care for a complimentary blowjob?” Seriously. And then there’s Gal Gadot, who I thought was adorable mostly because she ends up with the Asian guy (and because she has a really cool black jacket that I want).

This coat is the bee's knees.

Overall, I’d give it a something-out-of-something on the Wild Hearts movie scale. Honestly, I have no idea what to rate it, because conventionally speaking, it had some pretty horrible acting and the cheesiest lines ever written. Like, to the point where if I’d stayed to watch the credits, I’m fairly sure it said, “Scriptwriting by: Swiss E. Provolone.” BUT it was really entertaining, and kind of cute, and I liked it a lot even if it technically sucked. So an eight? I don’t know. Luckily for me, the People of the Internet don’t read this blog to decide if they’re going to watch Fast Five or not, so I got nothing to worry about.


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