Cosmo Advice Gone Horribly Wrong

Let me start by saying I am a big fan of Cosmo. I mean, it’s a good magazine. It’s dirty, it has lots of pretty pictures, and they usually have at least one column that makes me laugh (um, I’m looking at you, Lucky, the worst women’s magazine ever created).

But their sex advice can be fucking dangerous.

First of all, why do they talk about using your teeth so much? Like, I don’t care if you say, “Very, very, very gently run the edge of your teeth down his shaft,” because however gently you do it, the guy is going to scream, “HOLY FUCK STOP GRATING MY DICK; IT’S NOT A CARROT, YOU FREAK!” And that’s not going to get you a second date. But somehow, every time I open up a Cosmo, there is at least one tip about “nibbling his balls” or biting something any normal guy wouldn’t want bitten. You know what’s going to happen, Cosmo? Some little fifteen-year-old who’s never given head is going to read that, ruin her boyfriend’s junk, and be scarred for life (just like the guy’s dick).

And then some of it is just downright weird. Jamie’s stellar sex advice is “Make two fists around my shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can.” Really, Jamie? You like getting Indian burns on your dick? I mean, maybe, but I’m 99.9% sure half the “Sex Tips From Guys!” were written by a bunch of drunk frat guys giggling, “Do you really think they’re going to print this stuff? I mean, holy fuck, who wants a girl to punch them in the sack?” And then sluts everywhere are ball-tapping their boyfriends.

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for trying new things. But when the “new things” include scattering marbles on the bed before you get it on (seriously), I’m just not game (you know what I don’t want to go to the doctor for? Having a marble stuck in my vajangles).

So, before girls everywhere are chomping down on penises and forcing their boyfriends to drown themselves during sex, Cosmo should do themselves a favor and have a real, normal dude veto their more psycho sex tips. Or, you know, hire someone who’s not retarded to proofread them first (NO GUY WANTS TEETH ON HIS DICK, PEOPLE).

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