Eat Me

Okay, so I used to have a bit of an issue with food. Nothing cray-cray full-on anorexic, but it would go a little something like this: eat only dinners (small ones) all week, then eat a bunch of junk one day, feel horrible about myself, and resume not eating much until the next week when all seven days’ worth of hunger built up again. Besides the days when I ate nothing, my proudest day was eating only a serving-size of Triscuits (which is 4, in case you’re curious).

That was a while ago, about seven years, to be exact (holy fuckadoodledoo, I feel old). It wasn’t super horrible, I guess, as far as eating issues go–I lost my period and prided myself on staying in the double-digits of the weight range, which was not so great because I was (and am) tall, but I never grew lanugo or started cutting myself or wearing tiny fisherman’s sweaters. And after a while I just stopped doing it, because hey, I was hungry.

But at the risk of being a little over-dramatic, it has fucked up my relationship with food ever since. (Also, I hate that phrase, even though I just used it. “Relationship”? The only people who have “relationships” with food are fat, because the rest of us have real-life people for that. But you get the idea.)  Even though I started eating normally again, I still hated myself for every single thing I put in my mouth (that sounds ridiculously emo, I know. Fuck you guys, go eat something) and felt guilty after every meal. But that shitty side effect (mostly) went away.

But the past couple of weeks, I feel like I just got sucked back into a tube of oh-fuckkery, as far as eating is concerned. I’ve been working out every morning and stuff, which is good, but now I’m also geeking on calories and whatnot. SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I TRY TO BE HEALTHY?

In all honesty, though, this is no buneo. It’s even more fucked up because I don’t want to go back to that, but in some horrible way I do; it’s like an old friend. If you’re nodding in agreement, you are also fucked up.

This isn’t normally the type of thing I post on here, but it’s my blog, and if blogs weren’t made for posting dramatic self-absorbed accounts of personal weirdness, then what are they for?!? Okay, fine, fine, I’ll post something about sex after this.

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. bedroomtails
    Jul 05, 2011 @ 09:18:24

    I know exactly how you feel.
    I had this fuckery “relationship” with food too.
    And now it’s coming back again with considerable force seen as though I’m going on holiday and I’m conscious about what the pics are gonna look like.
    I’m only bothered about what the pics look like because the camera adds 10lbs and I don’t have the grace of being tall like you do.
    Say hello to fat dumpy little shit photos gracing facebooking with there disgusting prescence.
    I’m gonna work out and try and be healthy, and not get sucked in by the “skinny” thoughts again.
    ‘Cause in all fairness I fucking love myself most of the time so why should I stop that with stupid insecurities even if I am tempted by that fucked up psy-kee (don’t know how to spell it) I once had.
    :’) much love
    Read my blog

    Reply

    • thewildhearts
      Jul 05, 2011 @ 19:28:19

      I highly agree; even when I get all weird about food at least I still have healthy self-confidence. I mean, I’m fucking awesome. Ha, so at least we have that going for us. And I will (read your blog, that is).

      Reply

  2. Scarlett
    Jul 05, 2011 @ 09:42:07

    Eating disorders, disordered eating, and everything in between are definitely things that you come back to. Be careful–even if you’re nowhere near “full on cray-cray anorexic”, you could easily slip into habits that aren’t good for your body. Or into full-on cray-cray land…no one starts on there. 😛

    Reply

    • thewildhearts
      Jul 05, 2011 @ 19:29:15

      Yeah, that is my worry. I’m trying not to be a freak about it, but it’s hard when I’m also trying to watch what I eat at the same time. C’est la vie, I suppose. Thank you 🙂

      Reply

  3. allisrose
    Jul 10, 2011 @ 17:24:39

    i feel the same way about food sometimes, especially in the summer, i find easier to eat less then somehow. but it really sucks because last summer i lost 20 by not eating much, and now i’ve gained most of it back, so i feel like i’m about to get sucked back in as well. : P

    Reply

    • thewildhearts
      Jul 15, 2011 @ 22:25:54

      Yeah, it’s no bueno. Luckily(ish) it kind of comes and goes in waves for me, so some days I feel okay about eating like a normal human and then other days I’m like DEAR GOD WHY DID I EAT ANYTHING. I’m totally sane, it’s fine. 😛

      Reply

  4. bedroomtails
    Oct 03, 2011 @ 14:34:30

    I think we should all blame ED, because what GOD doesn’t EDKNOWS!

    Anywhoooo, have a look at some french food like steak tartar!
    Not tried it yet but will keep you posted if it tastes as shite as it looks (raw processed beef, yerrrkkk)

    Reply

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