Come On, People

So, I heard this rumor, and it’s horrible. It’s right up there with “Santa isn’t real!” (bitch, just because his handwriting looks just like my mother’s doesn’t mean anything) and “You can get AIDs from mosquitoes” (trust me, once you think that you can’t un-think it).

The rumor is that some ladies have never had an orgasm.

Now, there are instances where that’s okay. For nuns, say (although personally I feel like Jesus is a nice dude who would totally forgive you if you rub one out to the hot vicar, but I don’t want anyone to pick up any nasty habits…SEE WHAT I DID THERE? Nun puns, I love ’em). Or for fourteen-year-olds (to be fair, however, if you’re fourteen and having sex anyway, you might as well have great sex).

But unless you’re a fourteen-year-old nun, that is just not acceptable. Not having orgasms is like not being able to feel sunshine, or pet a dog, or wake up in a cozy warm bed. It’s like having stumps instead of legs when all your friends are marathoners. It’s like getting slapped in the face every time you open a car door. It’s like…well, lots of bad things. Orgasms are great. Greaty great great. But I guess there are some women who just can’t come, no matter what they do; it’s called female sexual dysfunction or some shit.

To all those ladies: I am so, so sorry. Maybe go to some doctors and stuff. But for everyone else, think about those people, and then think, “MY LIFE IS AWESOME.” And then go have sex in a bunch of fabulously flexible positions (can I just overshare here and tell the People of the Internet about how much exercise-ball sex I had this week? A LOT. Do it, it’s great. You can like flip upside-down and wrap your legs into a pretzel and it doesn’t even hurt). Come on, people, do it! (Ha.)

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Tony
    Jul 16, 2011 @ 06:23:02

    There is nothing on this earth as sexy as a woman having a mind blowing orgasm as she is slamming up and down on my cock. Looking into half-shut eyes, hidden behind tussled hair as she gasps for air in the aftermath…..often that’s enough to make me start twitching and spurting the seed.
    Of a woman who comes as she is sucking the life out of me is up there too….

    Reply

  2. bedroomtails
    Jul 17, 2011 @ 07:24:22

    BABBBEEEEE!
    This is gonna be my masterpiece that will get me into cosmopolitan and some other overly sexed up female magazine that cares little about anything else apart from orgasms, keeping there men where they want them (under the thumb) and their amazing high flying careers.
    Female Ejaculation!!!
    Isn’t it sad that we have absolutely amazing orgasms, earth quivering, heaven opening, hell raising orgasms, far better than men’s and then we witness BOLLOCKS like this where somewhere out there, there is men hating feminists jacking off to gay porn (male-male) frustratingly trying to get anywhere close to what there lazy husband has.
    Poor poor souls.
    I would like your email, so I can discuss with you my thesis and share like for like.
    Happy orgasming 😛 xxx

    Reply

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