So, I heard this rumor, and it’s horrible. It’s right up there with “Santa isn’t real!” (bitch, just because his handwriting looks just like my mother’s doesn’t mean anything) and “You can get AIDs from mosquitoes” (trust me, once you think that you can’t un-think it).
The rumor is that some ladies have never had an orgasm.
Now, there are instances where that’s okay. For nuns, say (although personally I feel like Jesus is a nice dude who would totally forgive you if you rub one out to the hot vicar, but I don’t want anyone to pick up any nasty habits…SEE WHAT I DID THERE? Nun puns, I love ’em). Or for fourteen-year-olds (to be fair, however, if you’re fourteen and having sex anyway, you might as well have great sex).
But unless you’re a fourteen-year-old nun, that is just not acceptable. Not having orgasms is like not being able to feel sunshine, or pet a dog, or wake up in a cozy warm bed. It’s like having stumps instead of legs when all your friends are marathoners. It’s like getting slapped in the face every time you open a car door. It’s like…well, lots of bad things. Orgasms are great. Greaty great great. But I guess there are some women who just can’t come, no matter what they do; it’s called female sexual dysfunction or some shit.
To all those ladies: I am so, so sorry. Maybe go to some doctors and stuff. But for everyone else, think about those people, and then think, “MY LIFE IS AWESOME.” And then go have sex in a bunch of fabulously flexible positions (can I just overshare here and tell the People of the Internet about how much exercise-ball sex I had this week? A LOT. Do it, it’s great. You can like flip upside-down and wrap your legs into a pretzel and it doesn’t even hurt). Come on, people, do it! (Ha.)