I haven’t had internet for the past week, and I suffered severe withdraw symptoms, including but not limited to: shaking, night terrors, typing on my computer while it was shut off, and licking electrical outlets.
My apartment was supposed to get kitted out with the World Wide Web (ha, remember the ’90s?) today, but because I suck at technology it is probably not going to be up and running yet. But I was feening, so I am typing this from a little café on the Rue de Thérain…or, you know, in a free Wi-Fi zone. I just missed you little People of the Internet so much, and I was tickled pink to come back to some comments.
Anyway, I was going to write a handy-dandy little survival guide to living as an Amish person. But then my brain floated back into my head and I realized that anyone reading a blog post about how to subsist-sans-internet is on the internet. So. There goes that.
But in case your internet dies the second after you finish reading this, my recommendations for not shooting yourself with boredom when stuck in a webless house during a rainstorm (am I lucky, or am I lucky?) are as follows:
- Play Pac-Man. Lots and lots of Pac-Man. Preferably until your thumbs hurt and you are cursing at the screen, usually about how those stupid little ghost motherfuckers like to trap you in corners like a bunch of assholes.
- Watch The Vampire Diaries, Season One, even if you just watched all twenty-two episodes twice in the past week.
- Have sex.
- Go the mall, a lot, and wander aimlessly around Border’s going-out-of-business sale until you find a giant glossy coffee-table book for $3.23. Buy it, and then take it home to realize that half of it is red-carpet pictures from 1986.
- Have some more sex.
There you go, you lucky on-the-internet bastards.