I know that Halloween is over a month away, but I am already pretty excited. In fact, I started an orange-and-black paper-chain countdown, just like for Christmas, except it’s kind of long since there are 41 links on it. And I almost burned down my apartment by surrounding my bed with Jack-O-Lanterns, because I kicked one in my sleep and it rolled into the fake cobwebs I set up. I’ve already started my all-candy diet in preparation of the big day!
Okay, not really. Except for the first part, where I am reallymotherfuckingexcited for All Hallow’s Eve (is that the same thing as Halloween? If yes, I am very smart. If no, shut up, go read a history blog).
For those of you
who have no sense of fun who don’t like Halloween, allow me to shoot down all your reasons so you will appreciate the best holiday ever.
“I’m too old to celebrate Halloween.” If this is your excuse, you’re either 13, or stupid. And if you’re 13, you should take advantage of the one time all year it’s okay to take candy from strangers. If you’re an adult-sized person, don’t be so crazy. You don’t say, “Gosh, sorry, Grandma, but I can’t come to Easter Sunday because I’m just kind of too old for Easter now!” No one is too old to dress up like a slut and get drunk with their friends in the name of whatever-Halloween-stands-for.
“I don’t like getting dressed up.” Then wear your own clothes, and tell everyone you’re a serial killer, a la Wednesday from The Addams Family. Ta-da, problem solved.
“I am lame and I hate good things.” I believe psychiatric help may be a good starting point for you. (Seriously, I’m out of reasons why someone could dislike Halloween.)
Okay! So now that I have bullied you into celebrating the Best Holiday Ever, we are all in the Halloween spirit. YAYYY! I mean, OOOOOO! (That’s how ghosts say yay.) Now comes the real problem…the costume. I’ve been kicking around a few ideas, but none of them have really grabbed me as of yet. I thought I might be Fiona from that weird episode of Adventure Time where it’s Fiona and Cake instead of Finn and Jake, and then I decided I might be some form of sexy animal, and then I thought up being one of the kindergartners from Recess, except slutty. Clearly I have a way to go.
Luckily, while I think about it, Halloween is the perfect excuse to eat lots of apple cider donuts and watch scary movies when I should be doing things a productive member of society would do. So no rush.