Reader Request: Aphrodisiacs

A lovely reader suggested that I write about aphrodisiacs, so guess what? I’m going to write a post that doesn’t mention aphrodisiacs at all, besides those two times I just did mention aphrodisiacs. Damn it, I mentioned them again! Well, I might as well just go with it.

Aphrodisiacs, according to the never-wrong Wikipedia, are “substances that increase sexual desire.” Some of my favorites are whipped cream, lingerie, and–oh, wait, I got confused. (But seriously, in my opinion, getting dressed in a garter belt and some stockings is going to “increase your man’s/whoa-man’s sexual desire” a lot more than any aphrodisiac.)

However, I can’t argue with science, and science says that there is some stuff you can use to roofie your significant other make your significant other want you even more than they already do. According to this helpful article, and this one, some of these things are great for gettin’ it in:

  1. Oysters. Apparently, they resemble the vag, and that is supposed to be sexy. Except the oysters in the picture look like someone’s lady parts after they got attacked by a flame thrower, so I think only really “special” people would find that a turn-on.
  2. Chocolate. This one, I can agree with. There’s some boring sciencey reasons why (phenylethylamine and serotonin are in chocolate, and they get all freaky with your brain’s pleasure centers), but I am really not going to argue with anyone who says eating more chocolate is going to get me laid.
  3. Nuts. Not the ones in your dude’s pants, unless he is the sort of guy who puts peanuts down his trousers. In which case, you probably shouldn’t want to have sex with him. But they’re antioxidant-y and that makes your blood pump better…to all the parts of your body. Rawr.
  4. Cinnamon. No article told me this, but it is a widely known fact. At least, among everyone smart and awesome I know. I am addicted to cinnamon gum, and trust, people like to kiss people who taste/smell like cinnamon. You know why? Because cinnamon is awesome and delicious.
  5. Booze. This one is stupid, but factual. It also really gets people in the mood if you toss in a couple tabs of E! (Don’t do that, freak.)

Yay! Now you know how to trick people into wanting you how to seduce people! I kid, I kid; everybody needs to spice things up (ha! See, cinnamon = spice! Get it? Get it?) now and again. But I recommend some lingerie to go with your chocolate-covered rum-fried oyster dinner.


Reader Request: Lana Del Rey

So, previous to writing this post, I had no idea who Lana Del Rey was. I was suffering from a lack of ideas and some fine fellow suggested that I write about her, and so here I am. I Googled her, and my first impression was: indie singer with a bit of an upper-lip Botox problem and a possible eyeliner addiction. There were some eerie Lindsay Lohan similarities around the face–weird tube lips and an unflattering shade of blonde dye–but I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt.

And, I have to say, I’m kind of glad I did. If you were to mix Duffy, Lily Allen, and a little pinch of Lykke Li swished around with some super-early Kate Nash (think “Caroline’s a Victim”) and some rouged-up Old Hollywood, you would get Lana Del Rey. Or a really gross cocktail.

I recommend “Kinda Outta Luck” for something a little more weird (she talks about killing her dad and putting him in the trunk of his vehicle, so even if the tune doesn’t strike you as odd those lyrics are wackadoo), and “Video Games” if you feel like being sad. (Although I have to say, that’s a dick move on her part, because nothing sounds more upbeat than a song about arcade fun-times.)

She does kind of have a sultry slut voice a little, which is a bit annoying if you’re not trying to get raspily seduced through your headphones. But in the interest of fairness, it must be hard to talk around those lips. She also says, “Heaven is a place on Earth wit you,” but who am I, the pronunciation police?

On the whole, I think she’s a pretty interesting singer, and some of her songs I would actually listen to, which is usually the mark of a music artist you like, right? But a lot of stuff I read about her was in the vein of, “Is Lana Del Rey the Indie Kreayshawn?” and “Does Lana Del Rey Suck (At Music, Not At Other Things Like You Might Assume Because of Those Inflatable Porn-Star Lips)?” There’s a lot of hate and people calling her “fake-indie” and Idon’tevenknowwhatthefuck. Long story short, opinions on her are mixed, which is fine with me, because I handily enough have my very own opinion!

My verdict? Lana Del Rey is talented, has a pretty cool retro voice when she’s not pressing the nasally attempted-sex-appeal too hard, and is definitely listenable. As for originality, I wasn’t bowled over, but this is 2011, when you can find 4,853 songs in the Acoustic Country-Metal-Fusion Trip-Hop Grunge Faux-Electronica genre. Besides her mouth (SHE LOOKS LIKE A GUPPY I CAN’T STAND LOOKING AT IT–seriously, though, check out some old pictures of her and prepare for some shock), I generally liked her. So, there, can this make up for the fact that I haven’t updated my WildHearts Music of the Week in…well, a lot of weeks.


Don’t Hate Me, Sexy Internet People

I know, I know, I suck. I’ve become one of those blogs who never updates until you think, “Fuck this shit,” and take them off your favorites list (WAS I ON YOUR FAVORITES LIST AT ONE POINT?!?!?! THAT’S EXCITING, LET’S TALK ABOUT IT OVER SOME CREPES SUZETTE).

I could explain that I am a busy busy bee, off doing things a busy busy bee does (like…being more black-and-yellow than a Wiz Khalifa song? Or…pollinating?). But who cares? The point is, I suck, and I will try to write more.

But seriously, People of the Internet, make like the old tune and give me something to talk about. I am just one [extremely attractive, awesome] girl. I can only use so much of my brain, and since 99% of it is usually focused on shoes there’s not a lot of time to come up with winningly interesting blog topics. You can even just type random spam words into the comment box and I’ll do my best.