Sucker Punch Doesn’t Suck, Kind Of

As usual, my movie reviews are really up-to-date. I kind of feel bad for Roger Ebert, because he just can’t keep up with my crazy-fast movie-write-up skills. You’d think a guy who won the Pulitzer for Criticism (which is the most hilarious-sounding award I’ve ever heard of in my life–“Hey, I got an Oscar for Tickling!”) would be a little more with it, but Ebert just can’t handle my…whatever. I’m done here.

Annnnyway, Sucker Punch is this movie about girls who wear a lot of thigh-highs and do action-y things in various themed worlds while actually living in a mental asylum and having terrible lives, or something. I was kind of confused and kept saying, “What part of this is real?” and then came to the conclusion that none of it was and that I was actually in a mental asylum and there was no such thing as movies or Sucker Punch. But then the DVD ended and I wasn’t in a straightjacket, so everything was cool.

Now, spoiler alert, the plot is kind of stupid. I don’t want to call the action scenes “mindless,” but they were mindless. I mean, I’m not asking for some cerebral-ass fight scene with, like, math attacks or something, but the action parts of the movie went on for 5,000 years while the rest of the movie kind of blinked by a little confusingly. Instead of getting to know any of the characters, you just see them toss around machine guns and be acrobatic.

But whatever, I think it was billed as an action-y kind of thing so who really cares, right? Wrong. Apparently the entire Internet decided to watch this movie together with little subliminal messages of Hitler and AIDS thrown in or something, because there is some serious hate for this movie. People cannot complain enough about it. It has a 23% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, with 48% of the audience liking it, although that seems like a lot more people than actually like it for all of the bitching I found when looking up pretty pictures for all of you.

Mostly, people complained that it was misogynist and anti-feminist and demeaning to women. If you look at the Critical Reception tag on Sucker Punch‘s Wikipedia page, you will see what I mean, although it is boring and probably written by a bunch of hairy old ladies watching jello wresting on Pay-Per-View. Yes, the characters are dressed like they walked out of some nerdy fifteen-year-old’s wet dream, and yes, for some reason basically every male character wants to rape and/or kill them all. Buuuut the whole movie is about them fighting that, so I don’t really see the ish. Why is there no public outcry about American Pie, when all the girls are just blow-up sex dolls for the ugly short male characters and totally don’t fight back about being objectified or whatever? I mean, I love those movies too, I’m just saying, you can put an anti-feminist twist on anything, so shuttup.

ANYWAY. Blah blah, everyone hated it, TO THE ACTUAL MOVIE NOW. I wonder if anyone actually read this far down? Pickles and cheese, pickles and cheese, read on to the rest of my blog if you please! Wow, this is getting out of hand. See what happens when I don’t write for a month?

I generally liked the movie. It’s kind of weird–I thought it was sort of dumb but it was just so damn pretty that I couldn’t get it out my head and it is now my computer wallpaper. The main character, Babydoll, is played by Emily Browning, who is adorable in the movie even though (or maybe because?) she only says like three words throughout the whole thing. She has magical dancing powers that transport them her to Action World…I don’t know. You really just have to watch it, because trying to explain this movie is getting me a headache, and that freaks me out since lobotomies are involved in the film. But all the people in it are cute and have awesome outfits and the fight scenes are interesting, so I give it a something/something. Yay, take that, Roger Ebert!

Agua

Drinking water is hard.

No, seriously. According to all those people who make up the food pyramid (which they probably do while stuffing donuts in their faces and laughing about how people actually eat 18 servings of whole grains day), you’re supposed to drink eight eight-once glasses a day. Which is about two liters.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m just not that thirsty. But I like to be healthy and have good skin, and all the supermodels say they chug water like I chug vodka, so there has to be some connection there. (Or they’re in cahoots with the food pyramid-people, but that is just too big a conspiracy to tackle in one post. But I’m going to be mad if it turns out I could healthily eat a dozen donuts every day.)

So, in the interest of health, I strolled out the other day and bought myself a snazzy new water bottle. Three of them make two liters, so I thought to myself, “Huzzah, I only have to drink three of these a day!” (I didn’t actually think “huzzah.” What am I, a preacher?) Alas, it was not that simple.

  • Water Bottle #1: Ahh, I feel nice and refreshed after drinking that! I’m also pretty full. Gosh, that is a lot of water I just drank. Hey, is that my stomach sloshing around while I walk? I’m like a human water balloon! Cool!
  • Water Bottle #2: I am really not thirsty at all. And I kind of have to pee. A lot. And I just went to the bathroom! What if water just starts leaking out my face or something? Wait, is that why tears happen? I wonder if dehydrated people can cry. Ugh, I would rather think about that then drink the rest of this giant water bottle. And now it’s kind of warm, ewww.
  • Water Bottle #3: UGH WHY WHY I WANT TO BE IN A DESERT I NEVER WANT TO DRINK AGAIN PLEASE SOMEONE COME PUT ME OUT MY MISERY AND GIVE ME A BOTTLE OF SAND INSTEAD.

Okay, so it’s not quite that dramatic, and I am sure plenty of people happily guzzle down a lake’s worth of water and blah blah blah. And I know I am lucky to have too much agua instead of the other way around. But seriously, that is a lot of water.