Don’t Debbie Down

I just watched The Truth About Cats and Dogs yesterday, by which I mean I fell asleep forty minutes into The Truth About Cats and Dogs. Before you immediately X out of your internet in fear of reading a whole post about an Uma Thurman movie, don’t worry. It just made me think of a stellar (read: stupid) blog topic for the day: Unconfident Debbie-Downer Type People!

Now, everybody knows someone like this. Maybe you are someone like this, but since you’re amazing enough to be reading my blog, I doubt it. You know the type: they complain constantly about themselves/how life hates them/how they have such bad luck/how nothing good ever comes their way. Usually, they attribute these complains to some personal trait. This probably generalizes to a whole bunch of Debbie Downers in a variety of situations, but I have most often encountered the Unconfident I-Am-So-Ugly-That-Life-Will-Never-Be-Good girl.

Take Janeane Garofalo from the Cats and Dogs movie. For the entire forty minutes my brain managed to focus on the TV without spontaneously combusting [note: if you typo this “cumbusting,” which I did, it’s a lot funnier], Jenny does nothing but bitch and complain about how she knows she is sooooo plain and hideous that the mere sight of her face turns men into eunuchs. In one scene, she drops salsa on her top BECAUSE SHE IS BEING A FUCKING SLOB AND WAVING AROUND A SALSA-COVERED CHIP and just says something to the effect of, “Oh, that would happen to me,” with such self-pity and desperation I think even the TV cringed.

I have, tragically, encountered this type of person more than once. Usually, they live on Tumblr, and churn out things like this. If you’re too lazy to click the link (no shame in that, man), it says, “If all girls started wearing no makeup and comfortable clothes, guys would have no choice but to fall for girls because of natural beauty.” I’ll give you a moment to swallow your vomit.

Now, that might seem a tad unrelated to the whole Uma Thurman movie, but the Unconfident People weave a tangled web, my friends. For the specific sub-set of Debbie Downers I’m talking about, their internal thought process apparently goes something like this:

“I do not think I am attractive.” –> “Good things happen to attractive people, but not to me, because [see previous].” –> “My life would be so much better if I was more attractive, but [see first statement].” –> “Therefore, I will hate everyone who I perceive to be attractive because [see second statement].”

As you can see, this complicated flow chart reflects the inner mind of an Unconfident Debbie Downer. Hate yourself, blame everything on earth on the thing you hate about yourself, and then hate everyone who has the trait you feel you’re lacking in. If I’m coming off a little harsh, it’s only because I want these people to SNAP OUT OF IT. Everyone has a good quality, and I am a firm believer that anyone can look attractive with proper care. For some reason, girls who long to be pretty but think they are ugly would rather bitch and complain about “slutty” girls with their whorish, eeeeevil makeup than slap some on themselves. News flash, Debbie Downers: that so-called tramp you’re hating on out of obvious jealousy probably looks exactly like you before she goes to the time and effort of making herself look better.

Don’t mistake me–girls do not need makeup. If you genuinely don’t like makeup, don’t wear it. But also, don’t bitch that you’re ugly, because God floated down from his cloud and make Revlon for a reason. And don’t call other girls sluts because they chose to do something you don’t. Oh, and as for that idiotic little Tumblr quote–any guy who wouldn’t date you because you don’t wear makeup is a massive douche, and not worth your time anyway.

My rant is nearing its close, so if you’ve hung in here this long, don’t think I’m a crazy. Everyone feels bad about themselves from time to time; it’s all a natural part of life and blah blah something holistic blah. All I am saying is that there is absolutley no reason to hate any part of your sexy self so think about that the next time you’re about to call someone you think (think! That doesn’t mean it’s true!) is prettier than you a fat, pig-faced whorebag.

This rant brought to you by the Coalition For People Who Are Sick of Hearing People Hate On Other People For Stupid Reasons Because We’re All Just Beautiful Flowers Anyway, Man.

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Let’s Go Rouge: The WildHearts 2012 Totally Doable Ladies List

Hey, guys! Wow, it’s been a while! Almost a month to the day, to be exact! You’ve lost weight in the 26 days (I’m guesstimating) since we last spoke! And you there–did you grow out your beard? It really suits you!

Okay, now that we’re done catching up, welcome to my first post of 2012! It’s about lesbianism, so hold onto your pants. I’ve decided to make a list of celebrities I would totally jump if I liked lady parts. The thing is, though, I don’t like lady parts, and never will, so instead, you can use this as a helpful guide for kidnapping whichever celebrities YOU want to have lesbian sex with! Feel free to add to/amend this list in the comments, because I already promised the FBI I’d send them leads if Mila Kunis goes missing. Which brings us to…

1.) Mila Kunis. Surprise! I honestly think straight girls want her more than straight guys do. Almost every single girl I know fully wants to scissor with Mila, and I’m pretty sure they’d really do it, too. She seems cool and funny in every movie she’s in, she has great hair, and her face is kind of perfect. I don’t know what ladies-who-love-ladies look for in their women, but I can’t really think of better qualifications than “cool,” “funny,” and “hot.”

2.) Miranda Kerr. Maybe there’s something in the MK initials that makes someone super-gorgeous? Let’s all change our names and find out. Either way, Miranda Kerr is stupidly beautiful–and, again, practically every girl I know adores her. Total V magnet–plus, if I was gay, I would totally love to brag that my girlfriend was a Victoria’s Secret Model.

3.) Amber Heard. If any real, live, actual lesbians/bisexies are reading this, I put an attainable one on here for you! I think Amber Heard is gorgeous and she seems “real-er” than your average blond bombshell actress, if that makes a lick of sense. Even if she’s as fake as a Barbie’s ass, though, she is very pretty and has the added bonus of being bi. You’re welcome.

4.) Beyonce. It’s Beyonce. Have you seen her dance, ever? I really don’t need to write anything else.

5.) Angelina Jolie. She’s a little old for me, but not for you, maybe? Either way, I saw recent pictures of her on the red carpet and nearly passed out. She’s unhumanly attractive. Whatever she does to stay looking so young–even if it’s killing kittens and drinking their blood–I want in (okay, the kittens are a dealbreaker). If she’s too aged for you, I’m sure there are girls who would go for her trashy young replacement Megan Fox. Foxy is also undoubtedly gorgeous but her annoying personality is less pretty.

Happy 2012, my little horn-dogs!

Edit: I was perusing some fashion blogs and I totally forgot about my massive girl-crush on Jessica Stam, mostly because I forgot she existed. But she is so pretty in that way that all girls I like to be pretty–like an adorable doll, but edgier. Plus she’s way taller than me so I wouldn’t have to be the butch. So I present Bonus Biddy of the WildHearts 2012 Totally Doable Ladies List: Jess Stam!

She gets two pictures, because she’s a model and because I feel like it. You jelly, Miranda Kerr?