You, and Other Things I Love

First of all, let me just say how much I fucking love you sexy little people for reading my blog! I just had my highest page views ever, and my little stats bar looks like a mountain over the past few months. It’s wayyyy more fun writing down all my stupid thoughts when people read them and then comment, “I think the same stupid thing!” so I hereby send you all kisses from someone attractive.

Secondly, I am going to make a list of things I love (besides y’all). Why? Because it is fun, that’s why. If you’re ever just slouching around your house in sweatpants watching Mad Men re-runs with an ice-cream spoon sticking out of your mouth, feeling bummed because Don Draper doesn’t hook up with girls/guys in sweatpants, you should ALSO make a list of things you love! I’m not sure if this is making any sense–to clarify, making a list of things you love cheers you up and has nothing to do with Don Draper, unless you put him on your list.

So, here are some things that I adore.

  1. Finding keys when I’m out walking. I don’t know why, I just think it’s sort of magical-seeming. Like, what if I found a locked door and tried the key and IT WORKED and inside was a whimsical land full of faeries?!? Oh, that only happens in movies, you say? Fine, then I’m going to use my key on your car’s paint job.
  2. That fresh-out-of-the-shower feeling. Mmmmph.
  3. Being completely alone somewhere really beautiful.
  4. That just-had-sex feeling. Mmmmph.
  5. Swedish people. They are extremely gorgeous, their accents are cool, and they have great style. I base this solely on Swedish fashion blogs and have never been there so it must be true. But I have to believe it, because I get mistaken for a Swede all the time and clearly it’s because I’m so gorgeous/have an awesome accent/am stylish.
  6. Body lotion. I like it better than perfume, as much as I love perfume, because I feel it really lasts longer.
  7. Forgetting about cups of tea and then drinking them hours later when they’re cold.
  8. Young Johnny Depp. I mean, I wouldn’t kick Current Johnny Depp out of bed, but Young J is so attractive that it literally confounds me. He is a perfect flawless human specimen and if I had a time machine you bet your ass I’m using to it go visit Crybaby-era Johnny. (I’m making him keep the Crybaby hairstyle, too.)
  9. Pretty pictures. There’s a reason Tumblr is so popular, and the reason is not all the annoying “reblog this picture of a war veteran dog with AIDS who is also an orphan and has terminal butt cancer” (REBLOGGING A DEPRESSING PICTURE DOESN’T CURE AIDS, PEOPLE). The reason is pretty pictures. Done.
  10. Kissing. Mmmmph.
  11. The way my nails look right after I just painted them (and before i inevitably smash my hand into something and ruin it all).
  12. Mojitos with lots of mint leaves.
  13. Fresh flowers in funny-looking vases everywhere. If I was rich I’d hire a Chief Executive Flower-Picker to always keep brand-new wildflowers on deck in adorable little bottles.
  14. Getting letters.
  15. YOU GUYS. (You’re so nice, I had to write you in twice!)

And that’s it. That’s everything I love in the whole world, so everything else just GET LOST! (I’m joking, Universe; please don’t smite me and leave me alone with nothing but a mojito and Young Johnny Depp. Or, you know, smite away.)

Okay, now it’s your turn. Next time you feel like poo just make a really long list of stupid things you like, and if you still feel like poo when you’re done with the list, just write more things until you fall asleep and then you won’t remember how sad you are! That’s emotional health if I ever saw it.

Advertisements

How to Be a Girl

If you have lady-parts and you prefer to dress like a trucker and spit tobacco juice out of the corner of your mouth, that is cool (as long as you don’t get any spit on me). And if you are genetically female but you hate clothes and prefer reading maps and doing long division, that is also…well, maybe not cool, but totally your prerogative.

But for all the ladies who put the “girly” in “girly-girl,” this is for you. Oh, wait, I forgot, it’s actually just a weak front for me to blather on about my makeup because I LOVE MAKEUP. So, amendment, this post should be titled: The WildHeart’s Guide to Making Your Face Look Less Bad, but I’m not changing it because “How to Be a Girl” is catchier.

It’s kind of awkward that I am writing this and absolutely no one who reads my blog will be interested in it. But it’s y’all’s own fault, because I go all Oliver Twist and beg you for comments but no one tells me what to write about, so ha! This is what you get. A makeup guide. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY. (Really, though, I don’t even know what you darlings like to read about, because I post such random things that it’s hard to tell what is a hit and what is shit. Sex posts? Drug posts? Rock and roll posts?)

ANYWAY back to the pressing matters at hand: Stuff Girls (and Guys Who Like to Be Pretty) Can Do to Their Faces!

My general makeup routine goes something like this. And if you’re a mascara-and-lip gloss girl and you don’t know what I’m talking about, keep in mind that I could literally fill a whole duffel bag with my makeup collection alone, so don’t be daunted.

  1. First, I wash my face! (Can you believe it? I’m really cutting-edge with my makeup routine.) Then I toss on a little toner, and wait for it to dry. Then it puts the lotion on its skin.
  2. Primer! Primer is this sexy new thing I just got into that makes your face all smooth and perfect like a smooth, perfect cloud. You can wear it by itself, allegedly, but every makeup-lovin’ person I know just uses it under makeup to make your skin more perfect.
  3. De-puffing under-eye roller!
  4. Foundation! I never used to use it, and now I look back at all my pictures and want to puke. It makes you look sooooo much better, as long as you don’t pick the wrong color or cake it all over your face like a drag queen (unless that’s what you’re going for). Some people have beautiful skin and don’t need it, in which case, don’t fucking wear it! But it makes me look a lot better. I use a stippling brush for mine, and I own four different shades for my varying levels of tan throughout the year.
  5. Loose powder! It sets the foundation and really gives an all-over flawless finish. The only slight problem is that it makes your skin really matte, which is okay but I prefer a dewy finish. Which brings us to…
  6. Bronzer/blush/highlighter! I don’t usually use all three unless I’m getting drunk and slutty, but combining any 2 is usually okay for daytime. Highlighter gives you that glowy look, and bronzer and blush make you look…bronze and blushing, respectively.
  7. Eye primer! It makes your eyeshadow stay on longer. Yup.
  8. Eyeshadow! Eyeliner! Mascara!
  9. Lip liner! Now, I absolutely loathe that horrid early 90’s look where someone outlined their mouth in red marker and filled it in with pink, but I bought lip liner in the color Natural and I fill in my whole mouth with it, like you’re coloring your lips with crayon. It makes the color last and the shape of your mouth more defined, and lipstick doesn’t feather. Which brings us to…
  10. Lipstick or lip gloss!
  11. And now for taking all that shit off…makeup wipes, followed by a good cleanser. Then I use nighttime face moisturizer and an eye cream!

You’re thinking, “Wow, she is one high-maintenance bitch.” But this is like my full-on, balls-out face thing. (Ew, I don’t like using “balls” and “face” in the same sentence.) Usually, I do foundation and bronzer and lipstick, which is enough. I mean, when you’re as good-looking as me, you don’t really need much help. But you people…no, just kidding, you’re gorgeous. So why did I write this long boring post that most of you probably didn’t even read (which means probably no one is reading this part right here…PICKLED OREOS!)? Because I couldn’t think of anything else at the moment. Cheers!

 

 

Wow, They Really Straightened Up the Place

Last night, I went dancing at a fine establishment known as a gay bar. Now, for any girl who likes to dance and doesn’t like 400 horny guys trying to rub their dicks on her, a gay bar has always been the perfect solution (gay girls are a lot less pushy than straight dudes). You get to dress up, break it down, and have fun with your friends without having boners shoved everywhere.

Or so I thought, because apparently, some giant asshole TOLD STRAIGHT GUYS. Yeah, that’s right. Some giant douche decided to spill the beans and whisper, “Psst! Pass it on! Tons of straight girls go to gay clubs–it’s the perfect place to meet the ladies!”

I mean, clearly, if I am a straight girl at a club with rainbow flags everywhere and bouncers who look like they just walked off a gay bondage porno, I am there for a reason. And the reason is not that I love listening to gay icons blare through speakers at 5,000,000 decibels. The reason is that I want to dance all night without having to awkwardly reject people. Nothing against guys who mack on girls at clubs–I mean, it’s a club. That’s like going to an opium den and being like, “God, what a bunch of drug addicts!” But come on! Sometimes, I just want to dance like a slut for me, you know?

Instead, I was assaulted last night by 387 straight dudes asking me to dance and following me around the club and totally trying to rub their creepy penises on me. And I’m not a bitch–I didn’t say, “Fuck you,” I said, “No, but why don’t you dance with all of us?” and gestured to my lovely friends. At which point the straight-man infiltrator would then proceed to shake his head to that request and then superglue his crotch to my butt.

This happened the entire night, including guys who just kept. Coming. Back. I would let them do their exciting little boner grindy dance for about two seconds, and then very smoothy lift their hands over our head and twirl around so we were all dancing together. Which worked for a while, until the Ted lookalike (of How I Met Your Mother fame). But I’m pretty sure he was gay (maybe? Do gay guys get boners when they dance with girls, because that was not a wallet pressing on my ass), so I just went with it.

On one hand, I can’t complain. They were all actually totally decent-looking, and three of them could even be classified as something approaching “hot.” And they were all, with the exception of a seriously misguided lil’ dude, taller than me. On the other hand–listen, dolls, if I was single, I would rub against you like a kitty cat and then do something a little naughty outside the club, BUT I’M NOT. So go back to a straight bar where one of the girls you dance with might actually sleep with you (but she probably won’t).

Don’t Be Shy!

Dearest readers, sometimes I have 487,032 ideas for this blog and I bang out posts like…um…someone who’s putting up a fence. And sometimes, my mind is a big fat blank and I have absolutely no ideas.

Guess what kind of day today is?! So, I need your smart sexy little brains to give me some topics. Besides, even if I’m bursting with brilliant thoughts, I still love getting comments. Imagine a little fat kid on Valentine’s Day opening their desk and seeing cards from every kid in the class–that’s me when I get comments from y’all in my inbox.

So don’t be shy! Give me something to write about. Or comment, Listen, bitch, this is your blog. Come up with your own damn ideas. (Don’t say that. That’s mean.)

Celebrities I Irrationally Hate

I basically love everyone, and that includes celebrities, because I pretend they are exactly the same as the characters they play in movies. Johnny Depp is an adorable, sweet, kind-hearted scamp a la Benny & Joon and Edward Scissorhands; Lindsay Lohan is the cute, basically average high-schooler who is NOT a coke addict like Cady from Mean Girls; Scarlett Johansson is sultry and smart like in every movie ever, except maybe that one with the horse.

But then there are just some celebrities that I hate, for completely irrational reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with acting ability. Usually, the reasons have to do with their stupid faces, or dumb things they say in interviews that I then judge them about forever.

1.) Ellen Page. I can’t stand Ellen Page so fucking much that she very nearly ruined Inception for me, and that is a great movie. I loathed Juno to the point where I briefly considered taking a Brillo pad to my friend’s copy after she forced me to watch it, and it was all downhill from there. Part of the reason Miss Page is not my favorite is that she is the exact. Same. Character in every movie, and that character is the extremely played out “tomboyish, outsidery indie girl who boys inexplicably like even though she has a man voice and the body of a 10-year-old boy.” If you’re thinking, Whoa, psycho, slow your roll, she can’t really help her childish frame and her voice isn’t really that manly, is it?  than a.) I suggest you go re-watch Juno (just kidding, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone) and b.) listen to reason number two. Which is like 90% of the reason I hate her: she looks, dresses, talks, and acts exactly like an insane stalker I had two years ago, and every time I see her that is all I think of. So it’s sort of rational, right? Right?

2.) Alexa Chung. If you don’t know who she is, it’s because you’re not British/into fashion. She’s a model and hosted some indie-ish TV show that had to do with music, I think. She seems annoying and confident for someone with such freakishly large feet, but that’s not why I don’t like her. No, this is another case of the She Has One of Those Faces: she reminds me of a real-life person who I don’t like at all, to the point where they could literally be twins if someone chopped Alexa Chung off at the knees (this person has their whole legs, they’re just short).

3.) Madonna. I never had an opinion on her until she started doing all this press for her new CD (although I must admit the title, MDNA, is pretty clever, even if the cover looks like a 15-year-old made it on Photoshop in ten minutes using one old stock photo). But holy cannolis, does she ever come across as a bitch. She is so smug and confident that I just want to slap her. She could literally sneer so hard a tsunami happens somewhere. Besides which, she’s like 87 and apparently sleeps wrapped in plastic to preserve her youth: MADONNA. IT’S GONE. YOU ARE AN OLD WOMAN IN LEATHER PANTS. MAYBE LET THIS ONE GO, MMKAY? And now I get to see her sneer at the Super Bowl…on the plus side, maybe she’ll trip?

I’m trying to think of a male celebrity I hate, to kind of even this out, but usually their attractiveness and/or accents make up for any other flaws. I don’t really like Zac Efron because he is a terrible actor and has a womanly face, but he seems so earnest and nice that hating him seems harsh. And Jude Law is a cheater, my big dealbreaker I-will-hate-you-until-the-end-of-time thing, but dear mother of God, look at the man. Even I am incapable of hating pure beauty.

Not quite as pretty as Jude.

I promise, I’m not a negative hateful person at all, but come on. Madonna cut her own daughter’s acting scene out of the film she’s making, a quick Googling of Ellen Page revealed these two gems (“I’m a tomboy from Nova Scotia,” and, “I don`t really want to do the Hollywood thing. I think you ought to try to say something with your movies.” Yes, I wonder what she was trying to “say” with X-Men: The Last Stand), and Alexa Chung just has that damned look-alike face. What can I say, haters gonn’ hate.

 

 

Hi, New Friends!

Nothing makes me more aroused than signing in to WordPress and seeing I have a bunch of new followers! Except guys with beards and Jake Gyllenhaal. (Also, how awkwardly icky is the word “aroused”? Don’t unfollow me just ’cause I used it.)

Anyway, welcome to the wonderful world of the WildHearts! Here on the blog you’ll find stuff. What stuff? I don’t really remember, I was probably drunk when I wrote it. (I wasn’t. Or was I?) Either way, thanks for reading it!

I wish I could post 38 gifs of me waving at you, my sexy readers, and giving you imaginary hugs, but a.) that would be creepy, b.) some of you might judge me for the insanely classy Barbie hoodie I’m wearing right now, and c.) since I’m such a little deviant, I have to keep my identity a secret. Like Batman! (Just kidding, he sucked at it…P.S., everybody knows, Bruce Wayne.)

So instead of repeatedly watching gifs to see my gorgeous face, you should comment on things! Yayyy! And ask questions–obviously I’m narcissistic, I have a blog. Don’t be shy, I like everyone, unless you’re a bitch/man-bitch! And even then, we’ll probably get along just fine.

Wouldn’t It Be Strange…

…If you suddenly had to go by your middle name? Just scrap the first one and go with Humphrey or Lynn or Eidenhopper, if your parents are the sweet ones who gave you some dead grandparent’s surname as your very own? Maybe you would be totally different.

Or, you, know, exactly the same.

Previous Older Entries