I basically love everyone, and that includes celebrities, because I pretend they are exactly the same as the characters they play in movies. Johnny Depp is an adorable, sweet, kind-hearted scamp a la Benny & Joon and Edward Scissorhands; Lindsay Lohan is the cute, basically average high-schooler who is NOT a coke addict like Cady from Mean Girls; Scarlett Johansson is sultry and smart like in every movie ever, except maybe that one with the horse.
But then there are just some celebrities that I hate, for completely irrational reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with acting ability. Usually, the reasons have to do with their stupid faces, or dumb things they say in interviews that I then judge them about forever.
1.) Ellen Page. I can’t stand Ellen Page so fucking much that she very nearly ruined Inception for me, and that is a great movie. I loathed Juno to the point where I briefly considered taking a Brillo pad to my friend’s copy after she forced me to watch it, and it was all downhill from there. Part of the reason Miss Page is not my favorite is that she is the exact. Same. Character in every movie, and that character is the extremely played out “tomboyish, outsidery indie girl who boys inexplicably like even though she has a man voice and the body of a 10-year-old boy.” If you’re thinking, Whoa, psycho, slow your roll, she can’t really help her childish frame and her voice isn’t really that manly, is it? than a.) I suggest you go re-watch Juno (just kidding, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone) and b.) listen to reason number two. Which is like 90% of the reason I hate her: she looks, dresses, talks, and acts exactly like an insane stalker I had two years ago, and every time I see her that is all I think of. So it’s sort of rational, right? Right?
2.) Alexa Chung. If you don’t know who she is, it’s because you’re not British/into fashion. She’s a model and hosted some indie-ish TV show that had to do with music, I think. She seems annoying and confident for someone with such freakishly large feet, but that’s not why I don’t like her. No, this is another case of the She Has One of Those Faces: she reminds me of a real-life person who I don’t like at all, to the point where they could literally be twins if someone chopped Alexa Chung off at the knees (this person has their whole legs, they’re just short).
3.) Madonna. I never had an opinion on her until she started doing all this press for her new CD (although I must admit the title, MDNA, is pretty clever, even if the cover looks like a 15-year-old made it on Photoshop in ten minutes using one old stock photo). But holy cannolis, does she ever come across as a bitch. She is so smug and confident that I just want to slap her. She could literally sneer so hard a tsunami happens somewhere. Besides which, she’s like 87 and apparently sleeps wrapped in plastic to preserve her youth: MADONNA. IT’S GONE. YOU ARE AN OLD WOMAN IN LEATHER PANTS. MAYBE LET THIS ONE GO, MMKAY? And now I get to see her sneer at the Super Bowl…on the plus side, maybe she’ll trip?
I’m trying to think of a male celebrity I hate, to kind of even this out, but usually their attractiveness and/or accents make up for any other flaws. I don’t really like Zac Efron because he is a terrible actor and has a womanly face, but he seems so earnest and nice that hating him seems harsh. And Jude Law is a cheater, my big dealbreaker I-will-hate-you-until-the-end-of-time thing, but dear mother of God, look at the man. Even I am incapable of hating pure beauty.
I promise, I’m not a negative hateful person at all, but come on. Madonna cut her own daughter’s acting scene out of the film she’s making, a quick Googling of Ellen Page revealed these two gems (“I’m a tomboy from Nova Scotia,” and, “I don`t really want to do the Hollywood thing. I think you ought to try to say something with your movies.” Yes, I wonder what she was trying to “say” with X-Men: The Last Stand), and Alexa Chung just has that damned look-alike face. What can I say, haters gonn’ hate.