Wow, They Really Straightened Up the Place

Last night, I went dancing at a fine establishment known as a gay bar. Now, for any girl who likes to dance and doesn’t like 400 horny guys trying to rub their dicks on her, a gay bar has always been the perfect solution (gay girls are a lot less pushy than straight dudes). You get to dress up, break it down, and have fun with your friends without having boners shoved everywhere.

Or so I thought, because apparently, some giant asshole TOLD STRAIGHT GUYS. Yeah, that’s right. Some giant douche decided to spill the beans and whisper, “Psst! Pass it on! Tons of straight girls go to gay clubs–it’s the perfect place to meet the ladies!”

I mean, clearly, if I am a straight girl at a club with rainbow flags everywhere and bouncers who look like they just walked off a gay bondage porno, I am there for a reason. And the reason is not that I love listening to gay icons blare through speakers at 5,000,000 decibels. The reason is that I want to dance all night without having to awkwardly reject people. Nothing against guys who mack on girls at clubs–I mean, it’s a club. That’s like going to an opium den and being like, “God, what a bunch of drug addicts!” But come on! Sometimes, I just want to dance like a slut for me, you know?

Instead, I was assaulted last night by 387 straight dudes asking me to dance and following me around the club and totally trying to rub their creepy penises on me. And I’m not a bitch–I didn’t say, “Fuck you,” I said, “No, but why don’t you dance with all of us?” and gestured to my lovely friends. At which point the straight-man infiltrator would then proceed to shake his head to that request and then superglue his crotch to my butt.

This happened the entire night, including guys who just kept. Coming. Back. I would let them do their exciting little boner grindy dance for about two seconds, and then very smoothy lift their hands over our head and twirl around so we were all dancing together. Which worked for a while, until the Ted lookalike (of How I Met Your Mother fame). But I’m pretty sure he was gay (maybe? Do gay guys get boners when they dance with girls, because that was not a wallet pressing on my ass), so I just went with it.

On one hand, I can’t complain. They were all actually totally decent-looking, and three of them could even be classified as something approaching “hot.” And they were all, with the exception of a seriously misguided lil’ dude, taller than me. On the other hand–listen, dolls, if I was single, I would rub against you like a kitty cat and then do something a little naughty outside the club, BUT I’M NOT. So go back to a straight bar where one of the girls you dance with might actually sleep with you (but she probably won’t).


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. thepersiancloset
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 20:54:44

    Haha this post is awesome.

    One of my straight friends was begging me to take him to a gay club so he could mack on the girls there. I convinced him that only fat chics went to gay clubs to dance bc at straight ones they wouldn’t be let in (obviously a lie) but he bought it.

    You’re welcome to the rest of the pretty girls who don’t want straight men at gay clubs!


    • thewildhearts
      Feb 11, 2012 @ 15:23:04

      Haha thank you for trying to preserve the sanctity of dance clubs, from me and every other straight girl who likes to get her groove on. (Plus, if I was a gay dude, I’d be totally depressed if I thought a guy was super hot and he turned out to be straight…what a tease!)


  2. Blue eye load
    Mar 11, 2012 @ 11:33:48

    i masturbated to this post. Loved it, keep the good work ( letting man rub their cock on you)


    • thewildhearts
      Mar 11, 2012 @ 13:01:35

      With this whole great big Internet, I sure am creeped out honored that you chose to rub one out to my words! But I’m going to make sure to steer clear of you at any gar bars.


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