How to Be a Girl

If you have lady-parts and you prefer to dress like a trucker and spit tobacco juice out of the corner of your mouth, that is cool (as long as you don’t get any spit on me). And if you are genetically female but you hate clothes and prefer reading maps and doing long division, that is also…well, maybe not cool, but totally your prerogative.

But for all the ladies who put the “girly” in “girly-girl,” this is for you. Oh, wait, I forgot, it’s actually just a weak front for me to blather on about my makeup because I LOVE MAKEUP. So, amendment, this post should be titled: The WildHeart’s Guide to Making Your Face Look Less Bad, but I’m not changing it because “How to Be a Girl” is catchier.

It’s kind of awkward that I am writing this and absolutely no one who reads my blog will be interested in it. But it’s y’all’s own fault, because I go all Oliver Twist and beg you for comments but no one tells me what to write about, so ha! This is what you get. A makeup guide. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY. (Really, though, I don’t even know what you darlings like to read about, because I post such random things that it’s hard to tell what is a hit and what is shit. Sex posts? Drug posts? Rock and roll posts?)

ANYWAY back to the pressing matters at hand: Stuff Girls (and Guys Who Like to Be Pretty) Can Do to Their Faces!

My general makeup routine goes something like this. And if you’re a mascara-and-lip gloss girl and you don’t know what I’m talking about, keep in mind that I could literally fill a whole duffel bag with my makeup collection alone, so don’t be daunted.

  1. First, I wash my face! (Can you believe it? I’m really cutting-edge with my makeup routine.) Then I toss on a little toner, and wait for it to dry. Then it puts the lotion on its skin.
  2. Primer! Primer is this sexy new thing I just got into that makes your face all smooth and perfect like a smooth, perfect cloud. You can wear it by itself, allegedly, but every makeup-lovin’ person I know just uses it under makeup to make your skin more perfect.
  3. De-puffing under-eye roller!
  4. Foundation! I never used to use it, and now I look back at all my pictures and want to puke. It makes you look sooooo much better, as long as you don’t pick the wrong color or cake it all over your face like a drag queen (unless that’s what you’re going for). Some people have beautiful skin and don’t need it, in which case, don’t fucking wear it! But it makes me look a lot better. I use a stippling brush for mine, and I own four different shades for my varying levels of tan throughout the year.
  5. Loose powder! It sets the foundation and really gives an all-over flawless finish. The only slight problem is that it makes your skin really matte, which is okay but I prefer a dewy finish. Which brings us to…
  6. Bronzer/blush/highlighter! I don’t usually use all three unless I’m getting drunk and slutty, but combining any 2 is usually okay for daytime. Highlighter gives you that glowy look, and bronzer and blush make you look…bronze and blushing, respectively.
  7. Eye primer! It makes your eyeshadow stay on longer. Yup.
  8. Eyeshadow! Eyeliner! Mascara!
  9. Lip liner! Now, I absolutely loathe that horrid early 90’s look where someone outlined their mouth in red marker and filled it in with pink, but I bought lip liner in the color Natural and I fill in my whole mouth with it, like you’re coloring your lips with crayon. It makes the color last and the shape of your mouth more defined, and lipstick doesn’t feather. Which brings us to…
  10. Lipstick or lip gloss!
  11. And now for taking all that shit off…makeup wipes, followed by a good cleanser. Then I use nighttime face moisturizer and an eye cream!

You’re thinking, “Wow, she is one high-maintenance bitch.” But this is like my full-on, balls-out face thing. (Ew, I don’t like using “balls” and “face” in the same sentence.) Usually, I do foundation and bronzer and lipstick, which is enough. I mean, when you’re as good-looking as me, you don’t really need much help. But you people…no, just kidding, you’re gorgeous. So why did I write this long boring post that most of you probably didn’t even read (which means probably no one is reading this part right here…PICKLED OREOS!)? Because I couldn’t think of anything else at the moment. Cheers!

 

 

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9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jim
    Feb 18, 2012 @ 13:53:51

    If I happen to wake up one morning as a girl, now I’ll know what to do.

    Reply

  2. onceuponarecipe
    Feb 18, 2012 @ 19:16:06

    The diversity of your posts is what keeps me coming back for more, so keep it up girl. I think I fall somewhere in the middle of girl and girly girl…my problem with foundation is that I can’t seem to get it to look natural. So I don’t wear it. Tips?

    Reply

    • thewildhearts
      Feb 19, 2012 @ 00:09:07

      Well that is good to hear, thank you–I pretty much just empty my brain onto the blog, so it’s usually pretty random, haha.
      And OH MY GOD you don’t even know, being asked for makeup advice is probably my favorite thing in the world (besides Ian Somerhalder and puppies), so yes I do have tips! My number one thing w/ foundation is that unless you absolutely need to, do not put it all over your face. Unless you’re a pro, you either look like Snooki (if your foundation is dark) or Casper (like an unfortunate friend of mine I had to set straight). I essentially use foundation like concealer and put it over blemishes and red or uneven areas. I dip a medium-sized fluffy stippling brush into a tiny (read: TINY) amount of foundation, and very lightly touch it on problem areas. Then I lightly blend it into my face with the brush until the foundation is totally blended with my natural skin tone and you can’t see whatever the ish is. And then set with powder, which really helps. Voila!
      Your problem might not be the application method, but the color/quality of the foundation. Bad foundation looks cakey and awful. Also, good foundation looks cakey and awful if your skin isn’t super well-hydrated beneath it. DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH I AM WRITING; THIS IS PATHETIC, I LIKE TALKING ABOUT MAKEUP TOO MUCH. I’m going to stop now before someone makes me enter a twelve-step program.

      Reply

  3. Alaina
    Feb 18, 2012 @ 23:31:28

    Your routine sounds exactly like mine. I love makeup too. Have you ever tried MallyBeauty’s Face Defender? It is a clear powder. It is the perfect thing to set your final look.

    Reply

    • thewildhearts
      Feb 19, 2012 @ 00:02:07

      I have not, but only because I am ridiculously attached to my Physician’s Formula powder–I have crazy sensitive skin so I don’t really change products unless I dislike them.

      Reply

  4. bedroomtails
    Feb 20, 2012 @ 21:52:58

    Me+ You+ MAC store+ closed down+ all the make up we could ever want= two happy perfect- faced bitches!!
    YESS???

    Reply

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