Everyone has a type, whether they know it or not. Even if you dated a fatty and a tall dude and then a really skinny midget, they probably had something strongly in common; you just didn’t realize it because you were too busy having sex with them. But hopefully, you silly sluts, none of those guys were the Worst Type in the World. You know the kind of guy I’m talking about. The species douchious maximus, or The Douche.
The Douche is usually really buff, really tan, and wears really tight clothes, but don’t be fooled. The soul of a Douche doesn’t always wear such an obvious suit. Nope, the Douche also comes in quasi-hipster-with-a-soul-patch form, the floppy-haired guy-next-door form, and the well-dressed smooth dude form. But since I’m superficial here at WildHearts, we’re going to focus on the members of the Douche clan who make themselves easily identifiable: see the first description.
Have you ever watched the Jersey Shore? No? Bless your little heart, you’re probably better than me because you don’t own a TV or day-drink. But for those of you who have witnessed that MTV majesty, think back to all the mounds of glistening orange muscles. That, my friends, is a Douche.
Theoretically, I’m sure, some of these nasty meatsacks are nice guys, but in my opinon, a guy…
- with vanity muscles
- who spray-tans
- and owns more hair products than me
- (just kidding, that’s not possible)
- and buys expensive, ugly clothes
- so that lots of people will pay attention to him
…is a Douche. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look good and blah blah blah but I think we can all agree that Ed Hardy is not good. Or stupidly pastel-colored Lacoste polos. Or those Abercrombie sweatpants that look so soft and so stupid.
So, in short, the Douche is the worst type, and I would easily classify them as the Ugliest Men Ever, and I hope it’s not your type. But if it is, at least someone is giving them love–they clearly really, really want it.