Notflix

I like movies. A lot. I wouldn’t call myself a “movie buff,” because I’m not an emaciated nerd with who gets woodys for his Woody Allen collection. But I like movies.

The problem with movies is Netflix. I don’t know what drunk group of monkeys picks what movies go on there, but I think they have some kind of arrangement with B-list Hollywood. So finding a watchable movie on there takes longer than watching the movie, and it’s killing me.

Some Horrible Movies I’ve Seen on Netflix

1.) The Killer Inside Me. I might not be qualified to speak on this, since I turned it off 20 minutes in, but I’m obviously not alone in my opinion because Jessica Alba “won” a Razzie for it. First of all, it was confusing in just the first few minutes, and second of all, there are two violent sex scenes and child-rape in just the 20 minutes I watched, plus a horrible beating scene (the Razzies were unfair–Jessica Alba totally looked like someone who got punched in the face after she got punched in the face) where I turned it off. The reviews said he basically keeps that up for the rest of the movie. Ooh, what a story!

2.) Everything else. (In case you couldn’t tell, I just watched that unwatchable 20 minutes of The Rapist Inside Casey Affleck and I just wanted to complain. I don’t really know what other terrible movies are on there well enough to write about them, because they’re CLEARLY TERRIBLE and so I don’t watch them.)

 

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Hey, Beautiful

MY BEAUTIES I HAVE MISSED YOU!!! I’m so sorry I’ve been neglecting you…BUT, you guys have been neglecting me too, what with your lack of comments and all. Don’t you know I love every little thing you type into the comment box? Besides, you should appreciate the hard work and effort it takes to type these posts, because my left-hand shift key is broken and I have to use the right-hand side which just feels wrong.

There is absolutely nothing to say, because everyone knows the zombie apocalypse is coming and we’re all going to be eaten face-first by naked zombie men. So I thought I would make a list of all the things I love before the world ends. But then, because I am a glorious and loving person, I thought that would take too long, so I shortened it to…

A Few Things I Happen to Love

  1. Cardigans. So sexy, so under-appreciated. I used to think they were so bizarre when I was younger because my friend wore them all the time and I kind of hated them, and now I own a million. If you have the mindset of a 12-year-old WildHearts, get one with a v-neck and wear it buttoned with nothing underneath like I did last night, mmm, scrumptious!
  2. Ice cream. While the world is ending let’s all ransack Ben and Jerry’s (or Hagen-Daz, which is better).
  3. Lip pencil. You draw your lips on with a crayon and it lasts all day like lipstick; I have a lovely all-natural variety that cost me $17 dollars and was worth all 1,700 pennies.
  4. All-natural things. Speaking of my lip crayon! I love them. I try to use mostly natural everything not because I’m a dirty hippie but because the idea of shoving chemicals into my pores is gross when I could shove earthy normal things in them instead. I have lotion made of Royal Jelly that makes me feel like a glowing Queen Bee. Try it, you’ll like it. (And the first time I used it, I came out of the bathroom powder room and the Man said, “Wow, you’re glowing!” so it’s boytoy-approved.)
  5. Kissing. Doesn’t it throw you back to middle school to just kissandkissandkiss until you’re breathless and have beard rash and no more Chapstick?

Five is one of my luckier numbers so I might as well stop there. I miss you, lovelies! My long absence is best explained by the work-sleep work-sleep routine that is my life, and also because I have been focusing on ideas for my new blog. (Ideas, and no actual posts, of course. I don’t even know where I want to host my blog because WordPress–bless its little heart–doesn’t let me edit the layout enough for me.) What have YOU chickies been up to, besides missing me and wondering if I am combing my locks 100 times before bed?