Real Beauty Secrets

The internet is full of beauty secrets. Lots of them are terrible and should stay secrets, some are so “okay, duh” that the article isn’t worth the finger-strength to type, and then some are actually pure gold.

Now, the secrets I adhere to come from a million places, most of which I can’t remember. But I promise that none of them suck, and all of them work (disclaimer: work for me, someone with fair, sensitive, dry skin). So here you go–you’re welcome.

  1. Moisturize, you whores. You know when they ask an actress what beauty product they’d use if they could only have one, and they always say “mascara” or “lipstick”? They’re stupid. The answer is always moisturizer. If you’re thinking, “But that’s a skin product, not makeup!” then you clearly don’t realize the beautifying powers of moisturizer. I hate all moisturizers except for two; I’ve tried every one with good reviews and ratings and none work for me except Embryolisse Concentrated Lait Cream (ooh la la, from France!) and Burt’s Bees Radiance Day Lotion.
  2. Cold water. There is so much back-and-forth on whether or not it actually closes your pores, but who cares–it refreshes your skin and wakes it up. Take that, hangover morning routine.
  3.  Wiggle the mascara brush while you’re applying. Not like you’re having a seizure in your hand, just a slight, subtle back-and-forth while pulling the brush upward through your lashes. The difference is seriously noticeable.
  4. Take makeup off before you go to bed. Yes, this is one of those “okay, duh” tips, but so many people don’t do this. It’s skin suicide. Leaving makeup to sink into your skin widens your pores–something you can’t fix, btws–and allows everything on your face to be absorbed into your body all night (60% of what you put on your skin gets absorbed, mmmkay?).
  5. No foundation. Unless you reeeeally need it. See #4–it’s too much gunk on your skin. To be fair, everyone goes for a different look, but I like the “I have naturally flawless skin” look, not the “I caked something on and you can tell” look. Use non-comodegenic concealer and finish with mineral powder instead of using heavy foundations.
  6. Exfoliate, and not with chemicals. See #4 again–you want that junk pouring into your body? Mix brown sugar and milk into a liquid-y paste, and gently scrub over your skin. It’ll be soooo soft, and if any gets in your mouth, it tastes good!
  7. Get a dermatologist. If you have insurance and the means, this one is no joke. They will help you on a personalized basis in way no internet article ever can.

Now that I think of it, this post is dumb. It all feels like “okay, duh” stuff to me, but maybe some beauty-challenged folks will appreciate it. I hope so–and you better wash that keyboard grime off your hands before trying any of the above!

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The Trouble with Being White

Okay, I probably already pissed off a bunch of people with that innocent little five-word title. Yes, yes, you’re right, being white is generally a cakewalk. People don’t yell racial slurs at you, and you aren’t given less of a shot at job interviews, and people don’t have a whole category of jokes about you based off of untrue stereotypes. I fully concede that being white is not tough, even for me, who is almost-totally white but still has a dash of Native American.

But. We honkeys will never, ever, ever be as beautiful as the rest of the world. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Sure, there are total knockouts who happen to be white, but then you compare them with someone who’s half-Cuban and half-Chinese and you’re like, “Sorry, Casper, but they’ve got you beat.” People with non-white heritage, especially those lucky ducks with a whole melting pot of it, are just stunning.

Take my girl Signe here, who’s Swedish and African.

Now, if you’re white and reading this and thinking, “Bitch, I am beautiful,” I’m sure you are! But you’re not exotic and you’re going to age terribly if the sun has ever touched your skin. I know, I feel it too. We can go get Botox together in twenty years to maintain our gorge levels.

See, I am from a tiny little podunk farm town, and everyone is white. Then I went to college in a city, and people were less white and lots of them were annoyingly beautiful. Then I went to an even bigger city, and almost threw up because everyone was so drop-dead gorgeous I felt like a sack of pasty potatoes. Everyone in that city is a quarter Jamaican, half Indian, one-eighth African, and the rest fairy dust, from the looks of it. People who have mixed heritage seem to automatically get the most stunning parts of each ancestry and then some.

So, yes, whiteys are totally unfairly privileged, but we will never be the hottest. C’est la vie.