Crush That Girl

Everyone has a girl crush. Guys and gay girls, sure, but everyone else too–straight girls and gay guys and the people who fall somewhere in between. See, the reason is that a “girl crush” doesn’t have to be sexual, and usually isn’t, so EVERYONE has one. Girls are magical creatures, kind of like unicorns but with soft lips and shiny hair instead of a weird deformity in the middle of their head. Personally, I think it’s impossible not to have a crush on at least one.

Mine is my girl Candice, which I agree is probably narcissistic since I’ve been compared to her on more than one occasion. But far be it from me to make Girl Crush rules–if your girl crush happens to be the fox you see in the mirror every day, more power to you. But COME ON–look at Ms. Swanepoel. I don’t care who you are, she is gorge.

Now, I pretty much have a GC on Candy because she looks like a human Barbie and she has a really awesome accent that should be used to record soothing fall-asleep tapes. And girl has some serious yoga flex. But usually, people’s Girl Crushes are a little more complex. Take the most girl-crushed-upon girl of all time, the indie darling Zooey Deschanel.

Now, yes, people like Zooey for her looks. As with most (but not all) girl crushes, it’s all about appearance. Zooey is a normal-looking pretty girl with big boobs, so naturally a lot of people like her. But toss on the thick bangs, vintage dresses, and the occasional pair of quirky-cute glasses, and Zooey is the world’s Girl Crush extraordinaire. I’m not hating at all, I just don’t happen to have a GC on Zooey so that drooling, hearts-a-pitter-patter feeling Crushers have is absent in me. Which means I find it a little annoying when people squeal, “Ugh, I just love Zooey, she’s so unique!”

That brings us to…the dark side of Girl Crushes. When you have a total GC on someone, and your best friend says, “Oh, really? I don’t like her,” and you stare daggers into them because OBVIOUSLY THE PERSON YOU CRUSH ON IS PERFECT…yeah, that’s when it’s gone too far. Then you need to stop bidding on their used tissues on eBay, making a scrapbook of their tabloid appearances, and doodling their surname in your checkbook. A girl crush is just that–a crush. Obsession? Come on, now you’re just creepy!

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Barbie Slut Shoes

I love these slutty Barbie heels.

I Feel Like a Sex Kitten

I just read some thing in a magazine that asked, “When do you feel most sexy?” And that got me to thinking.

Mostly, I was thinking that Cosmo is seriously going to run out of ideas soon, because there is only so much sex shit in the world unless they start dabbling into weird Japanese stuff. But then my brain stopped going on a little vacation and got back to thinking about the sexy thing.

I wish I had a cool answer, like, “I feel sexy all the time,” (I kind of do, as long as I’m not a total mess, but not really sexy) or, “With a fresh face right after I wake up!” But no. My own personal sexy aesthetic is Playboy bunny-meets-girl-next-door. Not that I’m saying I actually look like that, but if I want to put in some effort that is the result I’m going for. Think smokey eyes, pink glossy lips, and tousled sex hair. Clothes-wise, I am partial to a t-shirt and really, really short shorts. And probably knee socks, because I feel so cute in them and the Guy likes them.

Cute + sexy = Barbie makeup. Don't judge me.

 

Basically, I feel sexiest when I look like a weird hybrid of cute and slutty. And when I wear garter belts and thigh-highs, because it is fucking impossible not to feel like a sex kitten in those. Don’t shower for three days and chop off all your hair and throw some on and you’ll still feel gorgeous. (Okay, maybe don’t actually do that.)

Or maybe, I’m just a tart. There is always that option.

Either way, who really gives a fuck, I guess, as long as it makes you feel frisky? Unless your “I-feel-sexy” outfit is a dirty trashbag decorated with tinsel. And then you might have trouble getting some.