Why Kids Suck

Okay, let me preface this by saying I love kids, which might seem totally at odds with the title of this post. What I mean is, having kids sucks. Kids, themselves, the actual human units known as “children,” are pretty great. They’re cute and they say stupid hilarious things and they’re more honest than any adults I’ve ever met (for better or worse).

BUT. But but but but but. Kids who aren’t just human units and happen to be your human units, whole people for whose lives you are entirely responsible, suck. And I know that they are miracles, and they allegedly turn one into a giant love-machine, and “you don’t even know yourself until you have a child,” and blah blah blah.

That’s all great, but I would rather just not know myself if I have to have a child to do it. For people who want kids, that’s great. But for people who don’t, child-havers, please stop judging us as sub-par humans ’cause we’re just not into it. There are plenty of reasons to have a kid, apparently (I’m pretty sure I’m missing any and all maternal/desire-to-carry-on-the-human-race genes), but all I see are reasons to not have a kid. Such as:

  1. They are a 24/7 job. You can’t just shove them away and say, “Well, fuuuuuck this! I’ve had enough of screaming and puking and pooping, and I just want to relax.” You can’t just not take them to school, and listen to their horrible teenage attitudes, and suffer through their ridiculous girlfriend/boyfriend choices. FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, you are saddled with responsibility that you can never, ever shake, unless Child Protective Services gets involved.
  2. They are expeeeeensive. Money money monn-ay…all gone.
  3. They ruin your body. (Men, fuck you.) They rip up your lady parts, make your flat stomach scarred and saggy, drag your boobs to the floor (haha I typo’d that as “boops” at first…can that be new slang?), etc. You can always tell a mom from a non-mom unless they had that sucker when they were 15 and bounced back like a rubber band.
  4. They never care about you as much as you care about them. Sure, they love you as much, but they don’t worry about you every second of every day and think about your well-being all the time and how their everylittledecision might affect you. That kind of sounds like having a boyfriend who’s just not that into you, except you can never break up.
  5. If you fuck them up, you fuck. Them. Up. They will be in therapy forever, crying into a couch cushion, just because you scared them with a Bobo doll or had a fight in front of them. They’re like little sponges that you have to squeeze ever-so-gently, or you’ll leave them dried up and bent out of shape forever. (Damn, I’m proud of that analogy.)

And those are just the negative reasons! The positive reasons go on and on and on:

  1. Hot young body for years longer!
  2. Tons of extra money to spend on yourself! Trips, clothes, wine, cars, trips!
  3. No one to look after–more alone time!
  4. More sex!
  5. More drinking!
  6. More motivation to take up a cool hobby when you’re older–salsa dancing? Pottery? Windsurfing?

That’s the general idea, you see. The all time, number-one reason I don’t want kids is because I am selfish. To have a child, you give up a huge part of yourself, a huge piece of your life, and a world of possibility you might never get back. It’s the most selfless thing you could ever do…and, ladies and gentleman, I applaud you. And I’ll keep on applauding you when I’m 35, sitting in a comfy living room painting my nails and admiring my new expensive clothes, with not a binky or a bottle in sight. Cheers!

I’m Hungover

You know what’s fun? Bar-hopping and flirting with all the tall manly bouncers. You know what’s not fun? The morning after, when it feels like the chestburster from Alien lives inside you, except it’s made of puke.

I would like to kill myself just to not feel like a giant brick with a stomachache, but if I did, I don’t know how you would all survive without my beautiful posts to get you through the day. And being the wonderful girl that I am, I just couldn’t let that happen, so I guess I’ll live to write another day.

But seriously, vodka cranberries and Bahama Mamas, you are vicious and I hate you. (Until next weekend, and then we can kiss and make up.) And as for you stupid lucky non-hungover Readers: THIS.

Reader Request: Aphrodisiacs

A lovely reader suggested that I write about aphrodisiacs, so guess what? I’m going to write a post that doesn’t mention aphrodisiacs at all, besides those two times I just did mention aphrodisiacs. Damn it, I mentioned them again! Well, I might as well just go with it.

Aphrodisiacs, according to the never-wrong Wikipedia, are “substances that increase sexual desire.” Some of my favorites are whipped cream, lingerie, and–oh, wait, I got confused. (But seriously, in my opinion, getting dressed in a garter belt and some stockings is going to “increase your man’s/whoa-man’s sexual desire” a lot more than any aphrodisiac.)

However, I can’t argue with science, and science says that there is some stuff you can use to roofie your significant other make your significant other want you even more than they already do. According to this helpful article, and this one, some of these things are great for gettin’ it in:

  1. Oysters. Apparently, they resemble the vag, and that is supposed to be sexy. Except the oysters in the picture look like someone’s lady parts after they got attacked by a flame thrower, so I think only really “special” people would find that a turn-on.
  2. Chocolate. This one, I can agree with. There’s some boring sciencey reasons why (phenylethylamine and serotonin are in chocolate, and they get all freaky with your brain’s pleasure centers), but I am really not going to argue with anyone who says eating more chocolate is going to get me laid.
  3. Nuts. Not the ones in your dude’s pants, unless he is the sort of guy who puts peanuts down his trousers. In which case, you probably shouldn’t want to have sex with him. But they’re antioxidant-y and that makes your blood pump better…to all the parts of your body. Rawr.
  4. Cinnamon. No article told me this, but it is a widely known fact. At least, among everyone smart and awesome I know. I am addicted to cinnamon gum, and trust, people like to kiss people who taste/smell like cinnamon. You know why? Because cinnamon is awesome and delicious.
  5. Booze. This one is stupid, but factual. It also really gets people in the mood if you toss in a couple tabs of E! (Don’t do that, freak.)

Yay! Now you know how to trick people into wanting you how to seduce people! I kid, I kid; everybody needs to spice things up (ha! See, cinnamon = spice! Get it? Get it?) now and again. But I recommend some lingerie to go with your chocolate-covered rum-fried oyster dinner.