Real Beauty Secrets

The internet is full of beauty secrets. Lots of them are terrible and should stay secrets, some are so “okay, duh” that the article isn’t worth the finger-strength to type, and then some are actually pure gold.

Now, the secrets I adhere to come from a million places, most of which I can’t remember. But I promise that none of them suck, and all of them work (disclaimer: work for me, someone with fair, sensitive, dry skin). So here you go–you’re welcome.

  1. Moisturize, you whores. You know when they ask an actress what beauty product they’d use if they could only have one, and they always say “mascara” or “lipstick”? They’re stupid. The answer is always moisturizer. If you’re thinking, “But that’s a skin product, not makeup!” then you clearly don’t realize the beautifying powers of moisturizer. I hate all moisturizers except for two; I’ve tried every one with good reviews and ratings and none work for me except Embryolisse Concentrated Lait Cream (ooh la la, from France!) and Burt’s Bees Radiance Day Lotion.
  2. Cold water. There is so much back-and-forth on whether or not it actually closes your pores, but who cares–it refreshes your skin and wakes it up. Take that, hangover morning routine.
  3.  Wiggle the mascara brush while you’re applying. Not like you’re having a seizure in your hand, just a slight, subtle back-and-forth while pulling the brush upward through your lashes. The difference is seriously noticeable.
  4. Take makeup off before you go to bed. Yes, this is one of those “okay, duh” tips, but so many people don’t do this. It’s skin suicide. Leaving makeup to sink into your skin widens your pores–something you can’t fix, btws–and allows everything on your face to be absorbed into your body all night (60% of what you put on your skin gets absorbed, mmmkay?).
  5. No foundation. Unless you reeeeally need it. See #4–it’s too much gunk on your skin. To be fair, everyone goes for a different look, but I like the “I have naturally flawless skin” look, not the “I caked something on and you can tell” look. Use non-comodegenic concealer and finish with mineral powder instead of using heavy foundations.
  6. Exfoliate, and not with chemicals. See #4 again–you want that junk pouring into your body? Mix brown sugar and milk into a liquid-y paste, and gently scrub over your skin. It’ll be soooo soft, and if any gets in your mouth, it tastes good!
  7. Get a dermatologist. If you have insurance and the means, this one is no joke. They will help you on a personalized basis in way no internet article ever can.

Now that I think of it, this post is dumb. It all feels like “okay, duh” stuff to me, but maybe some beauty-challenged folks will appreciate it. I hope so–and you better wash that keyboard grime off your hands before trying any of the above!

Gimme Your Purse…So I Can Photograph It

A while ago, I stumbled across this cool thing, where some smart (and really nosy) dude got strangers to empty out their purses and bags. And then he robbed them. Just kidding (or maybe not, I don’t know his life); he actually took portraits of the people and then portraits of the contents of their bags, all artistically.

It’s really awesome, but it’s obviously super fake. First of all, he picked the biggest hipsters he could possibly find; if you scroll through them all 100% of them are too hip to be square. Secondly, there is no way that people actually carry this shit in their bags. Look at this girl, for example:

Um, yeah. You don’t have any old napkins with phone numbers on them or crumpled-up receipts, but you have a pinwheel in the shape of a flower? And Love Letters of Great Women? Please. Okay, I mean, besides that pinwheel thing (what is that?), I guess the contents of her purse are realistic, in theory. What seems fake to me is a.) How new and sleek and pretty all of them are–e.g., the book doesn’t have crumpled corners the way books that I carry in my bags do, and b.) The fact that there is absolutley no random junk in there. Or maybe hipsters are just really neat?

Either way, even if it’s totally staged, it’s kind of cool, and it made me think of all the stuff I have in my purse. But I’m too lazy to dump it all out and take a picture with an old analog camera or something, so I’m just going to tell you.

The Contents of the WildHeart’s Purse (With Almost 100% Honesty!)

1.) Paper. Junky junky paper junk. Unlike these neat-ass people, I usually leave receipts and envelopes and other stuff in my purse. Currently, the paper includes a paycheck, a map of the Bronx Zoo, and some sheets torn out of a waitress’ ordering pad.

2.) My phone. Obviously.

3.) Sunglasses. Also obviously.

4.) Burt’s Bees lip gloss, three different kinds. I’m nothing if not loyal.

5.) Some pens. Not all of them work, but who cares.

6.) A bunch of lose jewelry and bobby pins, mostly earrings.

7.) My iPod Nano, in a cool tiny bag from Mexico.

8.) My money, in a tiny bag from the Icing that has held up surprisingly well considering it’s from…the Icing.

9.) A mirror shaped like Hello Kitty’s face, which was $1 and doesn’t work very well (it’s super dingy and kind of like a funhouse mirror).

10.) A little manicure kit.

11.) A miniature first-aid kit.

12.) Bath & Body Works blueberry hand sanitizer.

13.) A tiny figurine from Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends that I got out of a fifty-cent machine.

14.) My Adventure Time wallet (a gift from the Dude), which doesn’t hold my money but all my IDs.

15.) Orbit cinnamon-flavored gum.

16.) Lipstick in a peachy pink.

17.) A Glock.

Haha, just kidding about the last one…or am I? You’ll never know, since I’m too lazy to photograph it.

Seriously, though, doing this is fun. The only non-fun part is realizing that you really, seriously need to clean your purse out–half because it’s full of junk, and half because if someone stops you on the street to take a picture of you and your purse, you want to look even better than these hipster bitches.