A Work of Living

Jobs are a bleak dreary horrible thing. If you are some kind of freak who likes their job, then you can just go sit in the corner with some construction paper and scissors and cut yourself some confetti. Otherwise, you are probably a normal person who wants to die for 8 hours a day.

Cats make the wanting-to-die thing a little better.

Do you know that movie The Island, where everyone lives on a secret hippie commune island and they all pitch in for food and shelter and get to live in a beautiful paradise together? That is what life should be. Instead, people work all day to survive, but they are wasting their lives at work. It’s a paradox, or a circle, or something smart-sounding: you work to make money –> you make money to enjoy life –> you can’t enjoy life because you’re working.

But what if you could have any job ever? What would you be? I never really gave this any thought because the obvious answer is “independently wealthy.” I am not at all ashamed to admit that I would gladly sit around and shop and drink tea and travel to exotic places and do nothing of value to society if I had the G’s. But if I had to have a dream job not titled “rich bitch,” I’ve figured out what I would be.

  1. A stylist. You get to shop for a living. And hang out with celebrities. And if you hated them and they were obnoxious and self-absorbed, you could put them in something hideous and call it “cutting edge.”
  2. A magazine editor. You get to put together a book full of shopping ideas. Plus, you get to make Anne Hathaway do your bidding, and I don’t care for her so I would make her do stupid things like fetch me lattes whilst on a unicycle.
  3. A museum curator. You get to shop for art for a living. And, you can help up-and-coming artists become the next Andy Warhol but less creepy and rude.
  4. An artist. I can’t think of a quip for this one because I would absolutely love making art for a living.
  5. A blogger, which if you get paid for it, is just like being independently wealthy while taking lots of pictures. (Hey there WordPress, wanna pay me?)

Rich and famous people always say you should “be what you love” and all that shit, and I am for chasing your dreams like a My Pretty Pony prancing through a field of daises, but in my opinion that only applies if you love garbage removal or difficult math. “I love to shop” doesn’t exactly translate into a stellar job.

So, the best I can hope for is the zombie apocalypse (totally not influenced by The Walking Dead playing in the background right now) so that I can steal all the clothes I want from abandoned malls and then go live in some former stylist’s mansion.

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Celebrities I Irrationally Hate

I basically love everyone, and that includes celebrities, because I pretend they are exactly the same as the characters they play in movies. Johnny Depp is an adorable, sweet, kind-hearted scamp a la Benny & Joon and Edward Scissorhands; Lindsay Lohan is the cute, basically average high-schooler who is NOT a coke addict like Cady from Mean Girls; Scarlett Johansson is sultry and smart like in every movie ever, except maybe that one with the horse.

But then there are just some celebrities that I hate, for completely irrational reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with acting ability. Usually, the reasons have to do with their stupid faces, or dumb things they say in interviews that I then judge them about forever.

1.) Ellen Page. I can’t stand Ellen Page so fucking much that she very nearly ruined Inception for me, and that is a great movie. I loathed Juno to the point where I briefly considered taking a Brillo pad to my friend’s copy after she forced me to watch it, and it was all downhill from there. Part of the reason Miss Page is not my favorite is that she is the exact. Same. Character in every movie, and that character is the extremely played out “tomboyish, outsidery indie girl who boys inexplicably like even though she has a man voice and the body of a 10-year-old boy.” If you’re thinking, Whoa, psycho, slow your roll, she can’t really help her childish frame and her voice isn’t really that manly, is it?  than a.) I suggest you go re-watch Juno (just kidding, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone) and b.) listen to reason number two. Which is like 90% of the reason I hate her: she looks, dresses, talks, and acts exactly like an insane stalker I had two years ago, and every time I see her that is all I think of. So it’s sort of rational, right? Right?

2.) Alexa Chung. If you don’t know who she is, it’s because you’re not British/into fashion. She’s a model and hosted some indie-ish TV show that had to do with music, I think. She seems annoying and confident for someone with such freakishly large feet, but that’s not why I don’t like her. No, this is another case of the She Has One of Those Faces: she reminds me of a real-life person who I don’t like at all, to the point where they could literally be twins if someone chopped Alexa Chung off at the knees (this person has their whole legs, they’re just short).

3.) Madonna. I never had an opinion on her until she started doing all this press for her new CD (although I must admit the title, MDNA, is pretty clever, even if the cover looks like a 15-year-old made it on Photoshop in ten minutes using one old stock photo). But holy cannolis, does she ever come across as a bitch. She is so smug and confident that I just want to slap her. She could literally sneer so hard a tsunami happens somewhere. Besides which, she’s like 87 and apparently sleeps wrapped in plastic to preserve her youth: MADONNA. IT’S GONE. YOU ARE AN OLD WOMAN IN LEATHER PANTS. MAYBE LET THIS ONE GO, MMKAY? And now I get to see her sneer at the Super Bowl…on the plus side, maybe she’ll trip?

I’m trying to think of a male celebrity I hate, to kind of even this out, but usually their attractiveness and/or accents make up for any other flaws. I don’t really like Zac Efron because he is a terrible actor and has a womanly face, but he seems so earnest and nice that hating him seems harsh. And Jude Law is a cheater, my big dealbreaker I-will-hate-you-until-the-end-of-time thing, but dear mother of God, look at the man. Even I am incapable of hating pure beauty.

Not quite as pretty as Jude.

I promise, I’m not a negative hateful person at all, but come on. Madonna cut her own daughter’s acting scene out of the film she’s making, a quick Googling of Ellen Page revealed these two gems (“I’m a tomboy from Nova Scotia,” and, “I don`t really want to do the Hollywood thing. I think you ought to try to say something with your movies.” Yes, I wonder what she was trying to “say” with X-Men: The Last Stand), and Alexa Chung just has that damned look-alike face. What can I say, haters gonn’ hate.

 

 

Let’s Go Rouge: The WildHearts 2012 Totally Doable Ladies List

Hey, guys! Wow, it’s been a while! Almost a month to the day, to be exact! You’ve lost weight in the 26 days (I’m guesstimating) since we last spoke! And you there–did you grow out your beard? It really suits you!

Okay, now that we’re done catching up, welcome to my first post of 2012! It’s about lesbianism, so hold onto your pants. I’ve decided to make a list of celebrities I would totally jump if I liked lady parts. The thing is, though, I don’t like lady parts, and never will, so instead, you can use this as a helpful guide for kidnapping whichever celebrities YOU want to have lesbian sex with! Feel free to add to/amend this list in the comments, because I already promised the FBI I’d send them leads if Mila Kunis goes missing. Which brings us to…

1.) Mila Kunis. Surprise! I honestly think straight girls want her more than straight guys do. Almost every single girl I know fully wants to scissor with Mila, and I’m pretty sure they’d really do it, too. She seems cool and funny in every movie she’s in, she has great hair, and her face is kind of perfect. I don’t know what ladies-who-love-ladies look for in their women, but I can’t really think of better qualifications than “cool,” “funny,” and “hot.”

2.) Miranda Kerr. Maybe there’s something in the MK initials that makes someone super-gorgeous? Let’s all change our names and find out. Either way, Miranda Kerr is stupidly beautiful–and, again, practically every girl I know adores her. Total V magnet–plus, if I was gay, I would totally love to brag that my girlfriend was a Victoria’s Secret Model.

3.) Amber Heard. If any real, live, actual lesbians/bisexies are reading this, I put an attainable one on here for you! I think Amber Heard is gorgeous and she seems “real-er” than your average blond bombshell actress, if that makes a lick of sense. Even if she’s as fake as a Barbie’s ass, though, she is very pretty and has the added bonus of being bi. You’re welcome.

4.) Beyonce. It’s Beyonce. Have you seen her dance, ever? I really don’t need to write anything else.

5.) Angelina Jolie. She’s a little old for me, but not for you, maybe? Either way, I saw recent pictures of her on the red carpet and nearly passed out. She’s unhumanly attractive. Whatever she does to stay looking so young–even if it’s killing kittens and drinking their blood–I want in (okay, the kittens are a dealbreaker). If she’s too aged for you, I’m sure there are girls who would go for her trashy young replacement Megan Fox. Foxy is also undoubtedly gorgeous but her annoying personality is less pretty.

Happy 2012, my little horn-dogs!

Edit: I was perusing some fashion blogs and I totally forgot about my massive girl-crush on Jessica Stam, mostly because I forgot she existed. But she is so pretty in that way that all girls I like to be pretty–like an adorable doll, but edgier. Plus she’s way taller than me so I wouldn’t have to be the butch. So I present Bonus Biddy of the WildHearts 2012 Totally Doable Ladies List: Jess Stam!

She gets two pictures, because she’s a model and because I feel like it. You jelly, Miranda Kerr?

 

Dexter Is Still Sexy

I am way, way, way behind on this show. It is great. If anyone leaves a comment telling me anything that happens halfway after season two, I’ll make like Dex and chop you up (just kidding, that’s creepy and I’m a little squeamish).

But I have a problem, and the problem is that I can’t watch it without wanting to fuck Dexter. Not Michael C. Hall. Michael C. Hall has been divorced twice and seems a little slutty. Dexter, on the other hand, is a delicious sexy monster man with emotional issues and seriously jacked arms (well, I guess Mikey Hall has those too, but moving on).

And I’m sorry, but the scene in season one where he goes to the therapist and uncovers some cray-cray emotional flashbacks and then goes over to his girlfriend’s house and gets it in? Hottest. Thing. Ever.

See, I hate blonde men, and I really hate gingers, and Michael C. Hall is a mix of both. And he has blue eyes, I think, and despite the Cro-Magnon brow he has a tiny bit of a pretty-boy face. None of these things are my thing; in fact, they are the opposite of “my thing.” But something about Dexter makes me want to do omhfdngfjnjksgnd ridiculous things. He just has some kind of magic sexual sparkle dust that he, like, throws into my eyes from the TV screen. I mean, I’ve written a post about how hot he is before, but lately I am just overcome with lust watching that show.

I think it’s just animal magnetism. Like with Kayne West or Eric Dane or the guy who plays Thor–none of those guys are my scruffy, scrumptious type, but they just have that something sexy. And, well, yup, that’s pretty much my whole point with this post: I THINK CELEBRITIES ARE HOT AND I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM. There, that would’ve summed things up. But then you never would’ve seen that shirtless photo of Dexter, and I couldn’t deprive anyone of that pleasure.

The New, New Sexy?

There is this really awkward battle that all magazines seem to be waging about what is sexy. Splashed across every Cosmo and Vogue are “sexy secrets” and tips on how to look sexy this season and blah blah blah. That’s good. That’s great! I love sexiness, and advice about how to have more of it is always A-OK with me.

But. I’m just saying, I think somewhere in the past forty years or so, what actually constitutes “sexy” has changed. For the worse. Take a look at this month’s Runner’s World‘s cover girl, for instance.

Now, before you get all up in arms saying that Runner’s isn’t a fashion magazine and isn’t touting sex appeal and you break a key from slamming on your laptop so hard, relax. I fully and totally agree with you, but I am just using that as one of many examples of how the standard of what looks good has changed. The editors at Runner’s picked someone they obviously thought was attractive and had a good, fit body. Similarly, Miss Wintour’s bella counterpart threw Karlie Kloss in her latest edition of Italian Vogue, and she might not have the jogger’s creepy six-pack, but she is one hell of a string bean.

OKAY. So now we have established that people–specifically, media moguls, since most guys I know would still rather date a curvy girl than a stick–today find no-waisted, four-pounds-and-fit girls attractive, but for the love of God, what about the fine felines of the 50s and 60s? What happened to my girl (as ever) Brigitte Bardot? What about everyone’s favorite sexpot, Marilyn Monroe? Betty Grable? Sophia Loren? Anita Ekberg? I mean, I fully admit that I have a total love for all things vintage, and that includes the way-sexier, thirty-thousand-times-more-appealing stars of the past, but come on. Scroll up and look at Ms. String Bean, and then have a gander at BB here. (Ooh, I just realized, it’s KK vs. BB!)

Right? Right. Brigitte (and Marilyn, and Betty and seemingly every other famous lady in the past) had a waist and hips and breasts and didn’t look like you could draw her body by tracing a ruler. If I’m not mistaken, most people don’t find rulers sexy. All I’m saying is that I think Ye Olden Days had a higher class of woman–sexier, better-dressed, and all-around more attractive than the stabby-boned/overly-toned celebrities who are popular now. And I miss it, and fuck all of you, I’m going to wear vintage skirts and Bardot eyeliner until the end of time.

*Disclaimer: 1.) There is nothing wrong with being skinny. I know plenty of girls who are not naturally born with curves and could eat a horse and still be Ruler Girls. Not their fault, and it doesn’t mean they’re ugly. But…I’m just saying, I’d take Brigitte Bardot’s body over theirs any day. 2.) There are plenty of curvy, gorgeous women today, but to be frank, I don’t really trust that 90% of them are REAL in the Age of Implants. To the other 10%, kudos.

Every Celebrity I’ve Ever Been Compared to, Ever

Something about my face makes people compare me to other people. I don’t know why, but I get a lot of “you look like blankity-blank” nonsense. Which is usually flattering, but on the rare occasions it hasn’t been I just stare at them while trying really hard to look attractive so that they’ll go, “Oh, you know what, you don’t actually look like [ugly] blank, you look like [super sexy] blank!” And then I will stop holding my face perfectly still and say, “Why thank you.”

My favorite one to get is Brigitte Bardot, for obvious reasons. She’s French, she’s drop-dead gorgeous (which is a really creepy expression, but I love it anyway), and of all the people I’ve been compared to I like her the best. She’s my style icon, to boot (by which I mean, my excuse for wearing lots of cat’s-eye liner and high-wasited things–no one argues when you say, “Well, Brigitte Bardot did it!” And if they do argue they’re a dick).

Plus, we have a lot in common, looks-wise: we both have a squarish jawline (so attractive–but I don’t really mind it, because if Minnie Driver got into movies with that octagon she calls a face than not having a perfect oval head seems a small price to pay for the rest of us), big eyes, big lips, and blonde hair (which I cut, intentionally, with Bardot bangs). And if this all sounds really conceited, fuck off, because if you’re still reading this it was conceited from the first sentence so don’t go getting all shirty about it now. (God, I love calling people shirty. It’s not even an American expression, so whenever I say it to my friends no one understands. But it is GLORIOUS. I hope “pants-y” comes around as a synonym for “uptight tool.”) What was I saying? Oh yeah, how me and BB are incredibly attractive twins–our heights are an inch apart, and if the Internet is to be trusted, she’s a 36B to my 34 (although she looks a bit more equipped in the bazoonga department than that to me, but what am I, a traveling boob expert?).

Long, self-absorbed story short, I like being compared to her because it makes me feel prettyyyy, so pretty, something something something prettyyyyy and gayyyyyy!

But there are other individuals I’ve been compared to, and some of those are less flattering. By a lot. When I was a lot younger (and, I like to think, before my face was fully formed into the glorious object it is today), I got Uma Thurman a lot. I can still, tragically, see why some people might say that, but I haven’t gotten in years. And I once got “Paris Hilton, but without the nose!” Also when I was younger, I got compared to Hilary Duff, but in all fairness that was by a group of black girls at a charter school who rarely saw white people (and that’s not racism, just a statement of fact). I rarely saw black people when I was younger, but since I’m not a dick I didn’t call them all Raven Symone.

Diversity.

Those are all the less-attractive celebrities I’ve been compared to, unless someone said something horrible like Rosie O’Donnell and I blocked it from my memory or something. Besides Brigitte Bardot, I get compared to Scarlett Johannsen sometimes, which is highly complementary but not crazy-accurate (although any time I get bored and do some “celebrity face match” I get her), and Sarah Michelle Gellar (also not accurate, but I love Buffy so I’m okay with it), and once, very misguidedly, Kiera Knightly.

So now the People of the Internet know (kind of) what I look like. And that I am extremely vain and never forget a compliment. Maybe if someone does a face mashup of BriUmParHilarScarSarKie it will look just like me. (Although if you do that, a. You’re creepy, b. You have an extreme amount of time on your hands, and c. Please send it to me.)

Celebrity Elevator Shenanigans

I love Scarlett Johansson. She is my favorite actress. And I feel like if we got stuck in an elevator together, she wouldn’t be all I’m-so-famous-and-you’re-not. I think she would whip out a notebook and suggest that we play hangman. And all her words would be totally awesome.

Or maybe she would be a total road whore. Either way, she’s still my favorite actress.

My mother (incorrectly) thinks I look like her, as did my ex and some randos. Wrong? Definitely. But a compliment? Also definitely.

My favorite actress used to be Julia Roberts, back in the nineties when she still did things. Things that aren’t called Eat Pray Love and Walk Around Various Lands Boringly for Two Hours. (I haven’t even watched that, but still.) But my litmus test for whether or not I really like a celebrity is the aforementioned elevator thing. You know what Julia Roberts would do if we got stuck in an elevator together? Beat me into the corner with her Birkin, yell, “Stay!” and then call her people to come get her out. (That would still be awesome. How many people can say that Julia Roberts hit them with a purse?)

I also love Robert Downey Jr. A LOT. He can do no wrong in my book. If we were stuck in an elevator, we would have an earnest discussion about the meaning of life, and ultimately conclude that it is to eat as much falafel as possible. (I’ve never had falafel. RDJ teaches me so much.)

And Marky Mark Wahlberg. I never really cared about him either way, and then I saw this picture.

You know what Marky Mark and I would do in an elevator? We would…we would…play checkers. (He has a wife, dicks.) No, I think he would rap for me. And then we would get in a rap battle. And then the fireman would save us, but we would be too busy rap-battling to notice. And then I would be a famous rapper, and I would rip out my teeth and replace them with rubies just to one-up Kanye. (In case you weren’t aware of this little gem [HAHAHA see what I did there?] he tore out his bottom teeth and had diamond teeth surgically implanted. WHAT A BOSS.)

Or maybe, with all these people, we would just stand there in awkward elevator silence until the firemen came.