Boobs (Yeah, That’s the Title)

It’s probably a good thing that I don’t have huge boobs. Because if I did, I’d be shoving them in people’s face like no one’s business.

On one hand, I kind of wish I was stacked. Because if you throw a rock at any straight dude (although holy catnip, why are you throwing rocks at people? Maybe you should go to an anger-management class or something, psycho), he’s gonna like boobs. The bigger, the better (at least until you get to, like, floor-dragging size. Unless he’s into that). Big ta-tas win out over small ones, every time, with very few exceptions. And being a B-cup, I’ll never have that “voluptuous sexy” thing going on. Suuuuucks for me.

But, flip side, I really like my girls. They’re perky and symmetrical and when I don’t wear a bra, they don’t unravel like Froot-by-the-Foots or something (if you’re saying, “Big boobs don’t do that!” well, I’ve seen things. Terrible things). And I like that I can wear low-cut shirts and skimpy stuff and not look like a complete whore (just like a kind-of-sort-of-slutty mini-whore). Plus they don’t smack me in the face when I go running, and not getting bitch-slapped by your own anatomy is always a plus.

But since I don’t think the Boob Fairy is going to sweep into my room in the middle of the night and dazzle me with a pair of D-cups, I’m just gonna have to rock what I’ve got. Possibly by walking around topless and yelling, “Yeah, that’s right, I have awesome tits,” whenever people stare. Because that’s normal.

Advertisements

Have a Miraculous Christmas

Guess what, Internet? It’s two days before Chrimbo! If you don’t celebrate that holiday, well, then, I don’t know how many days it is until yours, but have a good December 25th anyway!

As a present to myself, I want a new bra.

This bra, to be precise, although probably without all the Swarovski crystals because that will set you back a cool $250. The regular version is “only” $50. See, somehow, I have never bought a Victoria’s Secret bra. I own a bunch of clothes from them, and a drawerful of underwear (I am wearing a VS dress and VS cheekies right now, since I know you were wondering), but I am a cheapo and I can’t bring myself to pay that much for a g.d. ta-ta holder.

But. This, my friends, is not just any bra. This is the Victoria’s Secret Miracle Push-Up Bra, which promises to make you go up two sizes. And I’m pretty sure it’s true, because I have seen Miss Candice Swanepoel sans bra (I’m not a perv; blame Google) and she looks decidedly like a B (as Wikipedia says she is). Long story short, that bra works.

Firstly, that picture reminded me I need to paint my nails. But anyway. I am also a B, although I really can’t image myself having that level of cleavage, but then I got to thinking…isn’t that kind of false advertising? Imagine if you were fooling around with a guy and grabbing what you thought was a super-impressive boner, only to find out that it was like a flashlight or something. When I take off my bra, I don’t want the reaction to be disappointment. Au contraire, I would prefer a happy kid-on-Christmas (hey! That’s soon!) face. So if I walk around with a super-stacked looking chest and then take my clothes off, it’ll be like my ta-tas deflated. And that is definitely not miraculous.

So, fuck it. I will probably just keep buying eighty-seven pounds of underwear and wearing Aerie bras, since they keep the girls a normal size and aren’t sneaky little tricksters.

I’m sorry, I just had to put another Victoria’s Secret picture in here, because it looks so Christmassy and adorable. Also, I want her hair.

Happy Holidays, Internet!