Shoes That You Could Wear Instead of Uggs

It’s winter. Your poor little feet are cold, and you want some adorable boots that go with everything. There’s snow on the ground, and you need to buy some shoes, stat. So what do you do? You snatch your mom’s credit card, bop on down to the Ugg Emporium, and spend $150 on these things.

Now, there are worse shoes. Crocs, for example. Or those boots made out of denim that JLo used to wear back when she was Jenny. Uggs are actually kind of adorable, like little fluffy puppies you shove your feet into, only without the animal abuse. (Unless you count all the dead sheep used to make le Uggs.)

This might be abuse-ish if no one takes down their laundry, but awwww!

But. $150? $150?!!?!? I have a friend who owns about ten pairs of the things, and you aren’t supposed to get them wet, apparently, because it ruins the outside (unless you buy their $20 Care Kit!). She said hers came also with a slip that told her not to wear them with socks, because it’ll wear out the fluffiness of the inside. So, in summary, Uggs are $150-$350 winter boots that you can’t get wet or wear with socks?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY. Why. I don’t understand. They are casual and comfortable and you just plop your tootsies in there and go, and the colors are nice, and from what I understand they’re fairly well made. These things all make sense. But there are so many better options! If I’m going to spend $150 on shoes, I’m going to spend them on shoes that don’t look like a 5-year-old girl’s galoshes.

Here are some great alternatives to making your feet look like fat sheepskin pillows buying Uggs: these Steven Madden boots ($150), these gorgeous heeled ones from Mod Cloth (only $50!), these classy J. Crew boots ($350), these two-toned platforms from Clark’s ($210), or these Guess boots ($105).

Pick any of them! Just, for the love of God, if you’re going to spend some people’s weekly paycheck on shoes, at least make them beautiful boots that will make you look sophisticated and sexy, instead of I’m-a-fashionless-drone-whose-Uggs-perfectly-match-my-ripped-Abercrombie-jeans-and-hoodie!

See, Sophia Loren can rock a pair of boots.


Sneezing: Try It, You’ll Like It

In my opinion, there are two types of people in the world: those who like to sneeze, and those who don’t.

Everyone says that sneezing ten times is like an orgasm or something, but I lazily Googled “sneezing orgasm” and didn’t find anything real in my five-second search. Either way, I don’t care if every scientist in the world has a giant Sneezing Summit and declares that sneezing is awful and terrible, because IT FEELS GREAT.

If you fall into the other camp, the freaks-who-don’t-enjoy-sneezing-camp, your life must be a sad and dreary place. Is there color in your world? Can you even taste chocolate? Have you ever felt joy? No, but seriously, sneezing is great. I have no idea why and I can’t explain it, but it is, so if you don’t think so you need to go snort some pepper right now and re-evaluate things.

I hear it works even better when you snort it out of novelty shakers! Or are these novelty, and you'll really be snorting cocaine? I don't know, let's find out.

The obvious exception to this rule is gross snotty sneezing. Like, no one wants to be all, “AHHHH-choo!” and then have a face covered in flubber. But besides that, sneezing is totally boss, so you should try it sometime.


Winter Wilds

Do you ever just feel like doing something absolutely outrageous, like dancing on a table or streaking or rescuing a giraffe from the zoo and making him be your pet? I get this feeling that I call the “summer wilds,” on account of the fact that it typically takes place in the summer, but I guess my brain is seasonally confused because I have it right now.

Seriously, on January 2nd, I am done with snow and being freezing cold everywhere I go and wearing thirty-seven layers. And not the cute kind of layers, but long-johns (okay, I don’t actually wear those, although if I did it might solve Thing I Hate About Winter #2) and fifty scarves. The snow is all charming and adorable during the holidays, but afterward, when it’s all pollution-dirty and icy? Not so much.

Right now, I just want summer. And I know, those people who bitch all summer about how hot it is and then change their tune are dumb. But seriously, it was -11 yesterday, so fuck it, I want sunshine and sand.

Either way, though, I kinda have that let’s-go-crazy mentality usually reserved for when I’m not pale and suffering from frostbite. Except that I know I’ll be all, “Yeah, let’s rage, come on, let’s go!” and bop outside with some contraband FourLoko and then be all, “Shit, no,” and stumble back into a warm bed.

Long story short, I am just going to shut up, calm down, and appreciate the good things about the world being an icy hell. Like warm cozy blankets, and hot coco with whipped cream, and watching people slip and fall in the snow.

Snow Now

I love winter. I love it. I love the snow, and I love the holidays (except Thanksgiving, but luckily, we’ve already jumped that hurdle), and I love my winter hat (it has four deelyboppers, otherwise known as pom-poms on strings, and it makes me look approximately four years old, and it is wonderful).

Sadly, my current city really just hasn’t checked a calendar lately. Yesterday’s weather was stormy with a chance of Noah’s Ark, followed by flooding. (In case you couldn’t tell, it was really rainy.) Today is bright and sunny and thirty-nine degrees, but it feels warmer. But you know what hasn’t happened in the middle of all this schizophrenic weather? SNOW.

I mean, it’s December! Is it so much to ask for that some pretty, Thomas Kincade-like snow-showers happen? (Obviously it is, because they’re not happening. But anyway.) I just don’t know how to handle winter without snow. I like to sled (okay, I love it, to the point where I have scars on both sides from sledding adventures, but that’s another story) and cross-country ski and make awkward hipster snowmen.

Instead, I have to freeze my ass off while looking at dead grass and trees with no leaves. Just personally, I’d rather freeze my ass off while looking at a pretty snowy landscape. Because, for some reason, my brain can’t comprehend that cold can exist without snow (I blame my hometown–address: Antarctica, Ice Town [a hamlet of Freezingville in the county of Snowbuckets], on Sleet Street. Ahh, see what I did there?). So I look out my window, on a day like this one, and I think to myself, “Oh, sunshine! It can’t possibly be chilly!” And then you know what I do? Wear flip-flops.

I mean, it’s not Mother Nature’s fault I’m an idiot, but you have to blame somebody, right? So, if you’re reading this, MN, send a little snow my way, huh? And then maybe (maybe) I’ll pretend I care about Arbor Day.