Put This in Your Cookbook

How to Have a Good St. Patty’s Day: the Recipe


  • Slutty green clothes (1 pair)
  • Alcohol (6 shots/3 mixed drinks; add more to taste)
  • Loud bar with grindy dance music and strobe lights (1)
  • Friends (any number; must be flavorful)
  • Money (a lot)


  1. Put on slutty clothes with friends.
  2. Go to bar.
  3. Buy mixed drinks. Mix them liberally with friends and bar.
  4. Buy shots. Shake vigorously on the dance floor.
  5. Black out.

Seriously, it’s foolproof. Way easier than whipping up some souffle or whatever-the-fuck with Martha Stewart-level difficulty and weird foreign ingredients.

Wild Baking Adventures

I am embarking on the wild adventure of baking today, since it’s so snowy outside and I’m gonna be hiiiiigh later and need munchie provisions.

It’s not a good idea. I know this, but I’m gonna do it anyway. See, me and domesticity? We don’t really go so well together. We have a long and rocky history, from the time I burned a bag of popcorn to literal ashes (true story) to last night, when I attempted to make dinner for my parents and couldn’t even figure out how to make rice. And also accidentally tried to give them raw salmon. Long story short, I am not good at Martha-Stewart-type shit. I have two specialties: scrambled eggs, and chocolate-chip cookies.

And today, I’m making muffins.

I mean, it could be worse. I could be attempting crepes, or a soufflé, or lamb stuffed with roasted peppers and crab or something. (Ew.) But still. The particular muffins I want to make are coffee-cake muffins, which means I have to make muffin mix and cinnamon swirly stuff and the crumbly goodness. THAT IS A LOT OF THINGS FOR ME.

Let’s face it, the only things I’m good at in the kitchen involve being on top of the table. Seriously, though, I am jonesing for these muffins, so even though I make a hobo who considers baked beans from the can a delicacy look like Rachel Ray, I am going to give it the ol’ college try. Here goes nothing (or possibly, here goes my kitchen).