Fake New Year’s Resolutions

I have never really been one for New Year’s Resolutions. Mostly because I know I won’t stick to them, especially if they’re about exercise (Running. Is. So. Boring. And I used to do track, but seriously, that’s why I was a sprinter. If I could just run a 200 and call it a day, maybe I’d work out). And it seems kinda bleak and depressing to kick off the new year by ruining all the grand plans I had for it during Week One.

So instead, I don’t make any resolutions. In the spirit of 2011, though, here are some potential ones that I wish I could actually do, although that’ll never happen so I’m not even going to try (I’m a real champ):

  1. Stop finding Kanye West attractive. Just stop. (Normally, I hate hate double-hate loathe cocky guys, especially ones with diamonds for bottom teeth. But Kayne West is just the exception that proves the rule. Although I may have accidentally stumbled across some semi-nude pictures of him and he has a monster bush, so that might help me stop thinking he’s sexy.)
  2. Stop procrastinating EVERYTHING. Fuck it, I’ll just do that in 2012 (see what I did there?!?!?).
  3. Learn to do a cartwheel. I feel like if I could do cartwheels I would just do them everywhere I went, yelling, “WHEEEEE!” while I pinwheeled around everyone in circles. A good idea? No. But totally boss? Yes.

Yum. I can still say that since it's only 2010.

 

Well, that’s three. That is a lot of fake resolutioning I did there.

Seriously, though, what are you sitting around reading this blog for? Go buy something sparkly (and I don’t mean coke with glitter in it, revelers) and start mixing up fifty kegs of Jungle Juice. Stop thinking, start drinking! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

 

 

Bringing Bartering Back

Sadly, I forgot to water my potted Money Tree, and it died. (And also it never existed in the first place.) So. I am left in a pickleishly pickley situation, otherwise known as Being Broke. But that’s not a problem, because I have devised a genius plan that will not only help me get slizzard tonight, but will solve the economy crisis.

Ready for this gem? Bartering, baby.

I mean, come on! We can just trade things for other things and then we won’t even need money! Like right now, I have a craving for some ice cream. So I’m going to mosey down to the gas station and give them half a mitten in exchange for a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. I think it’s a pretty solid trade.

Also, my brain just took a little meandering break for a wee bit (it was bored), and came up with another totally solid idea. That solves the, um, drunk-and-hungry-at-the-same-time crisis. ALCOHOLIC ICE CREAM. Think about all the possibilities! Mint chocolate-chip with Bailey’s!  Pecan and Bacardi! Vanilla swirled with Raspberry Smirnoff! (Trademarked to the Wild Hearts, bitches–unless you wanna make some and bring it to me…)

I would fully trade two mittens for some of that.

Detox Just to Retox

I am getting outrageous tonight. I think that means I have to amp up my Dirty Grunge Hippie apparel style to Glamorous Hobo. It’s not intentional but I am just drawn to hideous vintage t-shirts and things with holes in them. And wearing bandannas. I have a lot of bandannas. They have their own shelf in my room, the bandannas. (I think they’re watching right now. They always watch. I should stop talking about them.)

Also, fun fact: every single time I typed that I wrote “bananas” and had to fix it. Good.

So today is a Friday, which means I’m getting sliizzzarrrd. And then tomorrow is my college’s Homecoming Football Game of Touchdowns and Excitement! Basically it’s going to be a good weekend.

Sparkly weekend excitement.

Detox just to retox, right?

 

 

Next Newer Entries