Bringing Bartering Back

Sadly, I forgot to water my potted Money Tree, and it died. (And also it never existed in the first place.) So. I am left in a pickleishly pickley situation, otherwise known as Being Broke. But that’s not a problem, because I have devised a genius plan that will not only help me get slizzard tonight, but will solve the economy crisis.

Ready for this gem? Bartering, baby.

I mean, come on! We can just trade things for other things and then we won’t even need money! Like right now, I have a craving for some ice cream. So I’m going to mosey down to the gas station and give them half a mitten in exchange for a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. I think it’s a pretty solid trade.

Also, my brain just took a little meandering break for a wee bit (it was bored), and came up with another totally solid idea. That solves the, um, drunk-and-hungry-at-the-same-time crisis. ALCOHOLIC ICE CREAM. Think about all the possibilities! Mint chocolate-chip with Bailey’s!  Pecan and Bacardi! Vanilla swirled with Raspberry Smirnoff! (Trademarked to the Wild Hearts, bitches–unless you wanna make some and bring it to me…)

I would fully trade two mittens for some of that.

Lots of Talking and Food Lust

Right about now, I would like some raspberries. Or some any-kind-of-food-that-isn’t-dining-hall-dinner. Preferably something sweet and calorific and delicious. I’m bleeding to death thanks to Mother Nature, which makes me want food (to replace the blood with fat, I guess?). That’s definitely something Mr. Internet wanted to know, obviously…sharing is caring!

Seriously, though, imagine putting this in your mouth right now (that’s what she said!):

Ice cream + cookies + sprinkles + heart shape = EXACTLY WHAT I WANT RIGHT NOW. Even if they were shaped like stars, or Hitler’s face, or an earwig, I would still totally eat them.

Failing that, a healthy and nutritious snack of peanut M & Ms and some Doritos would do the trick.

They say never shop when you’re hungry, and that is obviously also true of writing a blog post. Because this reads like it’s straight from the home page of Fatty McFatFat’s Blog: A Food Diary of All Things Fat! However, I want food more than a chihuahua wants Taco Bell, and so I’m gonna give myself a free pass this one time on not saying anything interesting. But OH WAIT, hold the telephone, Mr. Bell (ooh, a historical reference, you get it? ‘Cause with the phones, and the inventing? Never mind)! I never say anything interesting, so it’s all okay.

Topic change: what’s the deal with those black-framed, non-prescription-lensed glasses everyone’s rocking lately? Like this gal:

Sometimes I hate them, and sometimes (like on this girl) I think they’re adorable. Basically I only hate them when they look terrible, because I’m like, why the fuck make yourself look uglier? I’m all for wearing whatever you want, but I’m just throwing this out there: giant Buddy Holly glasses are not for everyone. If you have a giant nose, for example, like this girl I see everywhere sporting these and making herself look like Rumer Willis’s homely sister (which is NEVER a positive). I mean, I know, that’s dick of me, but legit, if I were to toss on high-waisted ’90s mom jeans and someone yelled, “Flat ass!” it would be dick…but it would also be true. Just saying.

My thoughts are all over the place, so I am just going to put this GIF of a girl with sparkly eyelashes blinking to end this. It seems like as good a way as any.