A Prayer

I heard this quote today for the first time, and it was so fitting I had to post it.

“A prayer for the wild at heart, kept in cages.” —Tennessee Williams

I mean, that’s good. Angelina Jolie even has it tattooed on her arm, and she is pretty cool, so that must mean it’s an awesome quote, right? (Also, I just found out she’s bisexual, which I am not, but I think I could make an exception for her. She’s Angelina-God-damn-Jolie, after all.)

Seriously though, I love it, and if it weren’t totally lame and star-copying I would like it as my next tattoo.

Alas, I’ll just have to keep re-writing it in Sharpie every day, like Kat Von D does with her sleeves.*

*I made that up. But admit it–for just a split, split second there, you were like, “Whaaaat? That’s crazy!”**

**Or maybe you were like, “She definitely made that up. What a stupid thing to say.”***

***Or, option number three, maybe you are a robot sent from space to read blogs, and so you have no opinion whatsoever, and in fact just robo-Googled “Kat Von D” with your robo-hands so you would know what I was talking about.****

****I might create an infinite loop with these asterisks if I don’t stop now.

What Google Thinks About You

Hey there! Are you a snoop? Would you consider yourself “nosy”?¬† Do you share a computer? Do you enjoy invading people’s privacy and/or learning things about them without their knowledge? Or, failing that, do you want to know more about yourself based on the ramblings of a crazy random Internet girl (me)? Well, then, this is the post for you!

What Your Google Searches Say About You (You Sick Freak, You)

If you commonly search things like: bars with no covers, beer, mixed drink special at Blarney’s Pub, how to make own mojitos, cheap vodka, my x-byofriedn’s neumbr becux heis nit nioce

Then it means: You’re probably a raging alcoholic, typically college-aged, but you don’t realize it because everyone you know is also a raging alcoholic! You might also be a slut.

If you commonly search things like: boobs, Asian girls, jugs, girl-on-girl, ostrich porn, live sex videos

Then it means: You’re really into ostrich porn. Oh, and maybe also other kinds. You’re probably a seventeen-year-old boy, or a twenty-seven-year-old boy, or a thirty-seven-year-old boy.

If you commonly search things like: The Wild Hearts WordPress, stupid blogs, blogs where girl talks about dumb things

Then it means: You’re awesome.

Also, this is the "pictures of people with animal heads" post. Just in case you were wondering.

Wasn’t that helpful? I hope you have learned all about yourselves, People of the Internet. As ever, I’m happy to assist you.

 

Gimme Your Purse…So I Can Photograph It

A while ago, I stumbled across this cool thing, where some smart (and really nosy) dude got strangers to empty out their purses and bags. And then he robbed them. Just kidding (or maybe not, I don’t know his life); he actually took portraits of the people and then portraits of the contents of their bags, all artistically.

It’s really awesome, but it’s obviously super fake. First of all, he picked the biggest hipsters he could possibly find; if you scroll through them all 100% of them are too hip to be square. Secondly, there is no way that people actually carry this shit in their bags. Look at this girl, for example:

Um, yeah. You don’t have any old napkins with phone numbers on them or crumpled-up receipts, but you have a pinwheel in the shape of a flower? And Love Letters of Great Women? Please. Okay, I mean, besides that pinwheel thing (what is that?), I guess the contents of her purse are realistic, in theory. What seems fake to me is a.) How new and sleek and pretty all of them are–e.g., the book doesn’t have crumpled corners the way books that I carry in my bags do, and b.) The fact that there is absolutley no random junk in there. Or maybe hipsters are just really neat?

Either way, even if it’s totally staged, it’s kind of cool, and it made me think of all the stuff I have in my purse. But I’m too lazy to dump it all out and take a picture with an old analog camera or something, so I’m just going to tell you.

The Contents of the WildHeart’s Purse (With Almost 100% Honesty!)

1.) Paper. Junky junky paper junk. Unlike¬†these neat-ass people, I usually leave receipts and envelopes and other stuff in my purse. Currently, the paper includes a paycheck, a map of the Bronx Zoo, and some sheets torn out of a waitress’ ordering pad.

2.) My phone. Obviously.

3.) Sunglasses. Also obviously.

4.) Burt’s Bees lip gloss, three different kinds. I’m nothing if not loyal.

5.) Some pens. Not all of them work, but who cares.

6.) A bunch of lose jewelry and bobby pins, mostly earrings.

7.) My iPod Nano, in a cool tiny bag from Mexico.

8.) My money, in a tiny bag from the Icing that has held up surprisingly well considering it’s from…the Icing.

9.) A mirror shaped like Hello Kitty’s face, which was $1 and doesn’t work very well (it’s super dingy and kind of like a funhouse mirror).

10.) A little manicure kit.

11.) A miniature first-aid kit.

12.) Bath & Body Works blueberry hand sanitizer.

13.) A tiny figurine from Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends that I got out of a fifty-cent machine.

14.) My Adventure Time wallet (a gift from the Dude), which doesn’t hold my money but all my IDs.

15.) Orbit cinnamon-flavored gum.

16.) Lipstick in a peachy pink.

17.) A Glock.

Haha, just kidding about the last one…or am I? You’ll never know, since I’m too lazy to photograph it.

Seriously, though, doing this is fun. The only non-fun part is realizing that you really, seriously need to clean your purse out–half because it’s full of junk, and half because if someone stops you on the street to take a picture of you and your purse, you want to look even better than these hipster bitches.