Things I Want to Happen (That Never Will)

The title says it all. I’m a pretty big daydreamer, and even I grudgingly accept that some of my best fantasies will never come to fruition. But there is just SO MUCH STUFF I want to happen, I guess some of it’s bound to be impossible. Like…

Having sex with Cry Baby-era Johnny Depp. Yes, the man is like a fine wine that gets better with age, but dude is still OLD now! Oh, how I wish I had a time machine to waste on twenty-six-year-old Johnny.

Winning fifty billion dollars. Or inheriting it, I’m not picky. See, while some optimists might say this isn’t impossible, let’s be real–I don’t play the lotto, I don’t know of any rich relatives, and even if I did magically get a windfall of cash (pleasepleaseplease), it would never be that much. Fifty billion is “throw out scuffed Jimmy Choos” rich.

Being French. You can’t change genetics, and while I’d never toss away my own face and blonde hair on some weird French nose and mousy brown locks, I would die for the accent and access to tried-and-true beauty secrets (those French hold out in interviews, I swear–I’ve read French Women Don’t Get Fat, and I think there’s more to the story then they’re letting on).

Having an amazing talent. I am not without my skills, but I am not “the best” at anything. Wouldn’t it be cool to be, even if it was something dumb?

Being an amazing cook. I guess this is similar to the previous one, except I don’t want to be the best cook, or even halfway best, just pretty good. It will never happen. Never. I hate cooking, and I will always hate cooking, which is why literally every meal I eat has under 5 ingredients (never underestimate the stimulating powers of chili powder, lemon juice, lettuce, bottled sauces, and butter).

Seeing every country in the world. I started to write “every cool place in the world,” but I refuse to put that on a list of things that will never happen, because it’s one of my life goals, damn it! But it’s crazy to me how we live on a big frosty marble and don’t save the money or make the time to leave our tiny portion of it. Brasil, people? Ireland? Have you seen pictures of Greece? I’d even go to Antarctica, just to say I have.

To be honest, this list is starting to get a little depressing, since I want all these things and I feel like I’m condemning them to impossibility, so I’ll cut it short. And if a young Depp knocks on my door, I’ll take it as a sign from the universe that there’s still hope on that 50 bil.

You, and Other Things I Love

First of all, let me just say how much I fucking love you sexy little people for reading my blog! I just had my highest page views ever, and my little stats bar looks like a mountain over the past few months. It’s wayyyy more fun writing down all my stupid thoughts when people read them and then comment, “I think the same stupid thing!” so I hereby send you all kisses from someone attractive.

Secondly, I am going to make a list of things I love (besides y’all). Why? Because it is fun, that’s why. If you’re ever just slouching around your house in sweatpants watching Mad Men re-runs with an ice-cream spoon sticking out of your mouth, feeling bummed because Don Draper doesn’t hook up with girls/guys in sweatpants, you should ALSO make a list of things you love! I’m not sure if this is making any sense–to clarify, making a list of things you love cheers you up and has nothing to do with Don Draper, unless you put him on your list.

So, here are some things that I adore.

  1. Finding keys when I’m out walking. I don’t know why, I just think it’s sort of magical-seeming. Like, what if I found a locked door and tried the key and IT WORKED and inside was a whimsical land full of faeries?!? Oh, that only happens in movies, you say? Fine, then I’m going to use my key on your car’s paint job.
  2. That fresh-out-of-the-shower feeling. Mmmmph.
  3. Being completely alone somewhere really beautiful.
  4. That just-had-sex feeling. Mmmmph.
  5. Swedish people. They are extremely gorgeous, their accents are cool, and they have great style. I base this solely on Swedish fashion blogs and have never been there so it must be true. But I have to believe it, because I get mistaken for a Swede all the time and clearly it’s because I’m so gorgeous/have an awesome accent/am stylish.
  6. Body lotion. I like it better than perfume, as much as I love perfume, because I feel it really lasts longer.
  7. Forgetting about cups of tea and then drinking them hours later when they’re cold.
  8. Young Johnny Depp. I mean, I wouldn’t kick Current Johnny Depp out of bed, but Young J is so attractive that it literally confounds me. He is a perfect flawless human specimen and if I had a time machine you bet your ass I’m using to it go visit Crybaby-era Johnny. (I’m making him keep the Crybaby hairstyle, too.)
  9. Pretty pictures. There’s a reason Tumblr is so popular, and the reason is not all the annoying “reblog this picture of a war veteran dog with AIDS who is also an orphan and has terminal butt cancer” (REBLOGGING A DEPRESSING PICTURE DOESN’T CURE AIDS, PEOPLE). The reason is pretty pictures. Done.
  10. Kissing. Mmmmph.
  11. The way my nails look right after I just painted them (and before i inevitably smash my hand into something and ruin it all).
  12. Mojitos with lots of mint leaves.
  13. Fresh flowers in funny-looking vases everywhere. If I was rich I’d hire a Chief Executive Flower-Picker to always keep brand-new wildflowers on deck in adorable little bottles.
  14. Getting letters.
  15. YOU GUYS. (You’re so nice, I had to write you in twice!)

And that’s it. That’s everything I love in the whole world, so everything else just GET LOST! (I’m joking, Universe; please don’t smite me and leave me alone with nothing but a mojito and Young Johnny Depp. Or, you know, smite away.)

Okay, now it’s your turn. Next time you feel like poo just make a really long list of stupid things you like, and if you still feel like poo when you’re done with the list, just write more things until you fall asleep and then you won’t remember how sad you are! That’s emotional health if I ever saw it.

Celebrities I Irrationally Hate

I basically love everyone, and that includes celebrities, because I pretend they are exactly the same as the characters they play in movies. Johnny Depp is an adorable, sweet, kind-hearted scamp a la Benny & Joon and Edward Scissorhands; Lindsay Lohan is the cute, basically average high-schooler who is NOT a coke addict like Cady from Mean Girls; Scarlett Johansson is sultry and smart like in every movie ever, except maybe that one with the horse.

But then there are just some celebrities that I hate, for completely irrational reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with acting ability. Usually, the reasons have to do with their stupid faces, or dumb things they say in interviews that I then judge them about forever.

1.) Ellen Page. I can’t stand Ellen Page so fucking much that she very nearly ruined Inception for me, and that is a great movie. I loathed Juno to the point where I briefly considered taking a Brillo pad to my friend’s copy after she forced me to watch it, and it was all downhill from there. Part of the reason Miss Page is not my favorite is that she is the exact. Same. Character in every movie, and that character is the extremely played out “tomboyish, outsidery indie girl who boys inexplicably like even though she has a man voice and the body of a 10-year-old boy.” If you’re thinking, Whoa, psycho, slow your roll, she can’t really help her childish frame and her voice isn’t really that manly, is it?  than a.) I suggest you go re-watch Juno (just kidding, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone) and b.) listen to reason number two. Which is like 90% of the reason I hate her: she looks, dresses, talks, and acts exactly like an insane stalker I had two years ago, and every time I see her that is all I think of. So it’s sort of rational, right? Right?

2.) Alexa Chung. If you don’t know who she is, it’s because you’re not British/into fashion. She’s a model and hosted some indie-ish TV show that had to do with music, I think. She seems annoying and confident for someone with such freakishly large feet, but that’s not why I don’t like her. No, this is another case of the She Has One of Those Faces: she reminds me of a real-life person who I don’t like at all, to the point where they could literally be twins if someone chopped Alexa Chung off at the knees (this person has their whole legs, they’re just short).

3.) Madonna. I never had an opinion on her until she started doing all this press for her new CD (although I must admit the title, MDNA, is pretty clever, even if the cover looks like a 15-year-old made it on Photoshop in ten minutes using one old stock photo). But holy cannolis, does she ever come across as a bitch. She is so smug and confident that I just want to slap her. She could literally sneer so hard a tsunami happens somewhere. Besides which, she’s like 87 and apparently sleeps wrapped in plastic to preserve her youth: MADONNA. IT’S GONE. YOU ARE AN OLD WOMAN IN LEATHER PANTS. MAYBE LET THIS ONE GO, MMKAY? And now I get to see her sneer at the Super Bowl…on the plus side, maybe she’ll trip?

I’m trying to think of a male celebrity I hate, to kind of even this out, but usually their attractiveness and/or accents make up for any other flaws. I don’t really like Zac Efron because he is a terrible actor and has a womanly face, but he seems so earnest and nice that hating him seems harsh. And Jude Law is a cheater, my big dealbreaker I-will-hate-you-until-the-end-of-time thing, but dear mother of God, look at the man. Even I am incapable of hating pure beauty.

Not quite as pretty as Jude.

I promise, I’m not a negative hateful person at all, but come on. Madonna cut her own daughter’s acting scene out of the film she’s making, a quick Googling of Ellen Page revealed these two gems (“I’m a tomboy from Nova Scotia,” and, “I don`t really want to do the Hollywood thing. I think you ought to try to say something with your movies.” Yes, I wonder what she was trying to “say” with X-Men: The Last Stand), and Alexa Chung just has that damned look-alike face. What can I say, haters gonn’ hate.

 

 

In the Ink of an Eye

Wow, that title was dumb! I’m talking about tattoos.

Yes, tattoos. Lately, I keep running into boring pieces about why they’re bad, then why they’re good, then why they’re kind of okay, blah blah blah. It’s all kind of like saying, “I really adore sardines, and since I just love them you have to eat them too!” or, “I really loathe sardines, and since I just hate them you have to not eat them too!” Or something. I mean, what is the point of writing an article telling other people how they should feel about tattoos? Your pen/keyboard/quill (kicking it old school, I like that) is not magical, and no one is going to agree with you just because you put it on your Facebook.

So you might be asking yourself, Well, you sassy minx, then what in the name of Dickens is this post going to be about? I’ll tell you: different kinds of cheeses and their native lands. First we have Gouda, and Munster, and…oh, did you know tattoo artists practice on cheeses before stabbing their inky needles into human skin? Damn, we’re back on the tattoo thing.

Basically, my point (disclaimer: I don’t have a point. What do you think this is, a paper? I just type things) is that you can feel however you want to feel about tattoos, but don’t push your bullshit on other people. One of the articles I read said a lot of boring blather about how women are classy and take care of themselves and paint their toenails (seriously, it said that…I mean, I skimmed, but those were main elements), and that tattoos totally ruin it and make women “trashy.” It also said women “hold the world’s beauty in their hands,” which totally discredits the face of Johnny Depp and the body of Channing Tatum, as well as some seriously impressive ab work by David Beckham.

And then all the pro-tattoo articles say that tattoos have meaning and your body is a beautiful butterfly of a canvas to paint with Ed Hardy logos meaningful art. And no, that tattoo sleeve does not make you trashy, it makes you a glorious walking Jackson Pollock/Your Favorite Artist Here.

I, personally, love tattoos, so if you think my summary of the pro-tattoo side sounds a little bitchy, it’s only because it does. I had to, to make it sound like I was being fair and not making fun of the prudish no-tattoo people (kidding, my milk-skinned dears). I think well-done, meaningful, not-done-at-3-am-on-a-Jack-and-Coke-binge tattoos are truly a form of art, and gorgeous.

But, if you hate them, and think that every dude/lady sporting a tramp stamp is, well, a tramp, that’s cool too. Because I don’t care. Isn’t it cool? I have my own opinion, and it doesn’t match your opinion, but it’s okay, because we’re grown-ups and I don’t even hate you! Aren’t you glad you read this? Now you can look down at your Mike + Jenny 4Eva tattoo fondly, or look down at your bare skin glistening in the moonlight and be all, yeah, fresh as a baby’s bottom! The WildHearts guarantee: EVERYBODY WINS.