Hey, Beautiful

MY BEAUTIES I HAVE MISSED YOU!!! I’m so sorry I’ve been neglecting you…BUT, you guys have been neglecting me too, what with your lack of comments and all. Don’t you know I love every little thing you type into the comment box? Besides, you should appreciate the hard work and effort it takes to type these posts, because my left-hand shift key is broken and I have to use the right-hand side which just feels wrong.

There is absolutely nothing to say, because everyone knows the zombie apocalypse is coming and we’re all going to be eaten face-first by naked zombie men. So I thought I would make a list of all the things I love before the world ends. But then, because I am a glorious and loving person, I thought that would take too long, so I shortened it to…

A Few Things I Happen to Love

  1. Cardigans. So sexy, so under-appreciated. I used to think they were so bizarre when I was younger because my friend wore them all the time and I kind of hated them, and now I own a million. If you have the mindset of a 12-year-old WildHearts, get one with a v-neck and wear it buttoned with nothing underneath like I did last night, mmm, scrumptious!
  2. Ice cream. While the world is ending let’s all ransack Ben and Jerry’s (or Hagen-Daz, which is better).
  3. Lip pencil. You draw your lips on with a crayon and it lasts all day like lipstick; I have a lovely all-natural variety that cost me $17 dollars and was worth all 1,700 pennies.
  4. All-natural things. Speaking of my lip crayon! I love them. I try to use mostly natural everything not because I’m a dirty hippie but because the idea of shoving chemicals into my pores is gross when I could shove earthy normal things in them instead. I have lotion made of Royal Jelly that makes me feel like a glowing Queen Bee. Try it, you’ll like it. (And the first time I used it, I came out of the bathroom powder room and the Man said, “Wow, you’re glowing!” so it’s boytoy-approved.)
  5. Kissing. Doesn’t it throw you back to middle school to just kissandkissandkiss until you’re breathless and have beard rash and no more Chapstick?

Five is one of my luckier numbers so I might as well stop there. I miss you, lovelies! My long absence is best explained by the work-sleep work-sleep routine that is my life, and also because I have been focusing on ideas for my new blog. (Ideas, and no actual posts, of course. I don’t even know where I want to host my blog because WordPress–bless its little heart–doesn’t let me edit the layout enough for me.) What have YOU chickies been up to, besides missing me and wondering if I am combing my locks 100 times before bed?

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You, and Other Things I Love

First of all, let me just say how much I fucking love you sexy little people for reading my blog! I just had my highest page views ever, and my little stats bar looks like a mountain over the past few months. It’s wayyyy more fun writing down all my stupid thoughts when people read them and then comment, “I think the same stupid thing!” so I hereby send you all kisses from someone attractive.

Secondly, I am going to make a list of things I love (besides y’all). Why? Because it is fun, that’s why. If you’re ever just slouching around your house in sweatpants watching Mad Men re-runs with an ice-cream spoon sticking out of your mouth, feeling bummed because Don Draper doesn’t hook up with girls/guys in sweatpants, you should ALSO make a list of things you love! I’m not sure if this is making any sense–to clarify, making a list of things you love cheers you up and has nothing to do with Don Draper, unless you put him on your list.

So, here are some things that I adore.

  1. Finding keys when I’m out walking. I don’t know why, I just think it’s sort of magical-seeming. Like, what if I found a locked door and tried the key and IT WORKED and inside was a whimsical land full of faeries?!? Oh, that only happens in movies, you say? Fine, then I’m going to use my key on your car’s paint job.
  2. That fresh-out-of-the-shower feeling. Mmmmph.
  3. Being completely alone somewhere really beautiful.
  4. That just-had-sex feeling. Mmmmph.
  5. Swedish people. They are extremely gorgeous, their accents are cool, and they have great style. I base this solely on Swedish fashion blogs and have never been there so it must be true. But I have to believe it, because I get mistaken for a Swede all the time and clearly it’s because I’m so gorgeous/have an awesome accent/am stylish.
  6. Body lotion. I like it better than perfume, as much as I love perfume, because I feel it really lasts longer.
  7. Forgetting about cups of tea and then drinking them hours later when they’re cold.
  8. Young Johnny Depp. I mean, I wouldn’t kick Current Johnny Depp out of bed, but Young J is so attractive that it literally confounds me. He is a perfect flawless human specimen and if I had a time machine you bet your ass I’m using to it go visit Crybaby-era Johnny. (I’m making him keep the Crybaby hairstyle, too.)
  9. Pretty pictures. There’s a reason Tumblr is so popular, and the reason is not all the annoying “reblog this picture of a war veteran dog with AIDS who is also an orphan and has terminal butt cancer” (REBLOGGING A DEPRESSING PICTURE DOESN’T CURE AIDS, PEOPLE). The reason is pretty pictures. Done.
  10. Kissing. Mmmmph.
  11. The way my nails look right after I just painted them (and before i inevitably smash my hand into something and ruin it all).
  12. Mojitos with lots of mint leaves.
  13. Fresh flowers in funny-looking vases everywhere. If I was rich I’d hire a Chief Executive Flower-Picker to always keep brand-new wildflowers on deck in adorable little bottles.
  14. Getting letters.
  15. YOU GUYS. (You’re so nice, I had to write you in twice!)

And that’s it. That’s everything I love in the whole world, so everything else just GET LOST! (I’m joking, Universe; please don’t smite me and leave me alone with nothing but a mojito and Young Johnny Depp. Or, you know, smite away.)

Okay, now it’s your turn. Next time you feel like poo just make a really long list of stupid things you like, and if you still feel like poo when you’re done with the list, just write more things until you fall asleep and then you won’t remember how sad you are! That’s emotional health if I ever saw it.

Bunnies Kissing

You know what bothers me about indie movies? They’re sad. Why can’t a movie be great and amazing and award-winning and indie without being 95% depressing? I’m not saying that those movies aren’t great, ’cause they are. But I like happy things.

Like bunnies kissing. Maybe if indie filmmakers looked at this picture, there would be a lot more smiling people on the Sundance channel. Just sayin’.

Thankful Thank-Yous (A Day Late)

Happy Black Friday!

I’m usually late for everything, and this thankfulness-list is no exception. So: I am thankful for all the usual things (friends, family, a roof over my head, and all the rest of it), but here are some of the random things I am thankful for:

Sushi (thank you, Japan, for making something so scrumptious), the inventor of Skor (toffee + chocolate + my face = mouthgasam…seriously, it’s simple math), hair brushes (without them, I would have a white-girl afro), whoever pioneered using your mouth for things other than kissing (smart dude), kissing (I mean, you can never go wrong with the classics), the sun for not having a supernova-level bitch fit and eating up Earth (keep up the good work, Mr. Golden Sun), all the turkeys who escaped being eaten yesterday (may you live to gobble for many more seasons), all the people who were lucky enough to eat turkey yesterday (YAY not starving!), people who pick up other people’s books when they drop them (you are nice), friends who tell you when you have something in your teeth (because it’s a lot nicer to know about it than walk around looking icky), the creator of fishtail braids (they make me feel even more Irish than usual), and the book that tells me how to make paper cranes (folding them has gotten me through so many boring minutes).

Basically: thank you, World, for having so much interesting and amazing stuff. And thank you, People, for being so nice and strange and wonderful.

Happy Thanksgiving.