When you hear the word “Lolita,” you probably think one of these things:

  • Oh, the book written by Vladimir Nabokov.
  • Oh, the movie by Stanley Kubrick.
  • Oh, the girl’s name.
  • Oh my, I have no idea what this person is talking about. I’m going to pretend I got a text.

When I hear Lolita, I instantly think of boots with lacy ankle socks. Say what you will about the supremely creepy Humbert Humbert, but Lolita herself had some style. Red heart-shaped sunglasses? Adorable socks? Little dresses? I never saw the film, but H. H. here goes into ridiculous detail over what his stepdaughter/mini girlfriend wears in the book. And she might be twelve, but girlfriend knows how to put together an ensemble.

So I say, take some style cues from Dolores “Lolita” Haze. Who cares if you’re twelve or twenty, this smashing style can work for anyone!

However, I am so not talking about that weird Asian lollicon nonsense. I know that in Japan they have a whole “Lolita style” thing going on, but it’s so bastardized that I like to pretend it doesn’t exist–if you read the book, Lolita is not a 19th century ten-year-old who wears giant poofy dresses and carries a parasol. She is your average skinny little girl who runs around in regular kid clothes and has a really good tan, according to Humbert Humbert’s creepy moaning over her.

So how can I dress like a twelve-year-old so that creepy old men get sprung over me, you ask? Why, it’s simple! To add an edge of Lolita sexiness without looking like a weird cosplaying Asian  one of those people who sleeps in a crib after they get home from practicing law wanna-be kid, the key is to keep your outfit mostly age-appropriate and then mix in some innocently sexy pieces.

Think a cute dress you’d wear normally, with my Lolita favorite: ankle socks with heeled booties. Or an oversized sweater over a short, flippy skirt. Or, you know, you could just walk around dressed in too-small clothes and suck on a lollipop and see how that works out for you.


Sucker Punch Doesn’t Suck, Kind Of

As usual, my movie reviews are really up-to-date. I kind of feel bad for Roger Ebert, because he just can’t keep up with my crazy-fast movie-write-up skills. You’d think a guy who won the Pulitzer for Criticism (which is the most hilarious-sounding award I’ve ever heard of in my life–“Hey, I got an Oscar for Tickling!”) would be a little more with it, but Ebert just can’t handle my…whatever. I’m done here.

Annnnyway, Sucker Punch is this movie about girls who wear a lot of thigh-highs and do action-y things in various themed worlds while actually living in a mental asylum and having terrible lives, or something. I was kind of confused and kept saying, “What part of this is real?” and then came to the conclusion that none of it was and that I was actually in a mental asylum and there was no such thing as movies or Sucker Punch. But then the DVD ended and I wasn’t in a straightjacket, so everything was cool.

Now, spoiler alert, the plot is kind of stupid. I don’t want to call the action scenes “mindless,” but they were mindless. I mean, I’m not asking for some cerebral-ass fight scene with, like, math attacks or something, but the action parts of the movie went on for 5,000 years while the rest of the movie kind of blinked by a little confusingly. Instead of getting to know any of the characters, you just see them toss around machine guns and be acrobatic.

But whatever, I think it was billed as an action-y kind of thing so who really cares, right? Wrong. Apparently the entire Internet decided to watch this movie together with little subliminal messages of Hitler and AIDS thrown in or something, because there is some serious hate for this movie. People cannot complain enough about it. It has a 23% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, with 48% of the audience liking it, although that seems like a lot more people than actually like it for all of the bitching I found when looking up pretty pictures for all of you.

Mostly, people complained that it was misogynist and anti-feminist and demeaning to women. If you look at the Critical Reception tag on Sucker Punch‘s Wikipedia page, you will see what I mean, although it is boring and probably written by a bunch of hairy old ladies watching jello wresting on Pay-Per-View. Yes, the characters are dressed like they walked out of some nerdy fifteen-year-old’s wet dream, and yes, for some reason basically every male character wants to rape and/or kill them all. Buuuut the whole movie is about them fighting that, so I don’t really see the ish. Why is there no public outcry about American Pie, when all the girls are just blow-up sex dolls for the ugly short male characters and totally don’t fight back about being objectified or whatever? I mean, I love those movies too, I’m just saying, you can put an anti-feminist twist on anything, so shuttup.

ANYWAY. Blah blah, everyone hated it, TO THE ACTUAL MOVIE NOW. I wonder if anyone actually read this far down? Pickles and cheese, pickles and cheese, read on to the rest of my blog if you please! Wow, this is getting out of hand. See what happens when I don’t write for a month?

I generally liked the movie. It’s kind of weird–I thought it was sort of dumb but it was just so damn pretty that I couldn’t get it out my head and it is now my computer wallpaper. The main character, Babydoll, is played by Emily Browning, who is adorable in the movie even though (or maybe because?) she only says like three words throughout the whole thing. She has magical dancing powers that transport them her to Action World…I don’t know. You really just have to watch it, because trying to explain this movie is getting me a headache, and that freaks me out since lobotomies are involved in the film. But all the people in it are cute and have awesome outfits and the fight scenes are interesting, so I give it a something/something. Yay, take that, Roger Ebert!

A Movie Review About a Misleadingly Named Movie (Hint: It’s Drive)

I went to see the movie Drive last night. In case you haven’t heard of it, Ryan Gosling is the main character, and Carey Mulligan is the lady-friend main character. I don’t even know how to sum up the plot, so I’ll just let IMDB do it for me: “A Hollywood stunt performer who moonlights as a wheelman discovers that a contract has been put on him after a heist gone wrong.”

Okay. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but a few things about this movie led me to believe it would have lots of car chases. First and foremost, “drive” is right in the title. It is the title, in fact. Secondly, there are cars on the posters. Third, the words “stunt performer” and “wheelman” and “heist” are all in the description, which sound like fast, car-driving words to me.

So I bopped on down to see this film, because hey, Ryan Gosling driving cars fast! Plus, it got 92% on Rotten Tomatoes, which is no mean feat. Now, to be fair, I should point out that I was pretty stoned, but if anything I think that should’ve added to the viewing experience.

Anyway, this movie was basically No Country For Old Men with the hipster levels jacked up, and the same amount of driving (which if you haven’t seen No Country, that’s my way of saying there was NOT A LOT OF DRIVING IN DRIVE). No Country is about this guy who stumbles on some big money at the site of a shootout, snatches it, and then gets tailed by the people who quiero their dinero. It’s really, really quiet, with lots of long, dramatic pauses and staring and landscape cut-scenes, but it also has Javier Bardem and is a pretty decent movie.

He doesn't look like this in the movie, I apologize.

Now, SPOILER ALERT, Drive is about this guy (RG) who is a stunt driver, who falls in love with his next-door neighbor (CM), who happens to have a husband in prison. Hubby comes home and apparently owes a lot of money to some scumbags, who beat him up and tell him they’re going to come after his wifey and kid if he doesn’t do a job for them (robbing a pawn shop). Since there were lots of long, silent scenes where Ryan Gosling was either bonding with Casey Mulligan & Son or plotting how to serial-murder them, he was upset. So he was all, “Let’s rob this pawn shop and you can pay them back for good!”

But, spoiler spoiler spoiler, the robbery goes rotten, everyone dies, and somehow Ryan Gosling gets a bag with a million dollars in it, and then the people who want the money won’t stop tailing him (even though he totally offers to give it right back). You see the similarities now? And that’s pretty much the movie, because it just sort of tails off into nothing after a lot of silences and a truly horrifying scene where Gosling steps on some guy’s head in an elevator until he is just stepping on bone/brain chunks. It’s pretty gory in some other places, too.

After I left the theater, some rando said to me, “Did anybody else understand that movie at all?” which I think is a pretty good indicator of how it made me feel. It was just kind of pointless, I guess? I feel like I got tricked into seeing an indie movie when I was trying to watch The Fast and the Furious. Also, no one is that quiet. Someone would say something and NO ONE would respond, and that was just the norm. If I said something important to someone and they just sat there like a meat Popsicle, I would be all, “Hey, um, I’m trying to have a conversation, so do you maybe want to fucking TALK? Also, how about going on a car chase with me?”

But I somehow didn’t hate it. I feel mixed-up about it, like falling in like with your stepbrother. Go watch it for yourself, maybe, and see what you think? (And also, don’t hook up with stepsiblings. It was just a joke. Don’t take them on a date to see Drive, either, because that’s just weird.)

Spoiler: I Make Fun of Fast Five

I just watched Fast Five, or Fast Five: Rio Heist, or Fast Five: Big Sweaty Guys Fight Each Other, Defy Physics, and Kill All of Brasil’s Innocents Without Giving a Fuck. I can see why they put the first two on movie posters, ’cause the third one is a little long.

Seriously, though, it was kind of good. Well, not good, but entertaining. If you want good acting, go watch something with ugly people in it. But if you want to watch sexy Paul Walker read straight from a teleprompter in a monotone talk, or see the sweat glistening on The Rock’s Dwayne Johnson’s majestic goatee (THERE IS SO MUCH SWEAT. HE SWEATS LIKE A GATORADE COMMERCIAL), this is your film.

I’ve never seen any of the other movies, so apparently this one was a little less racing-heavy. There is literally a part where they’re like, “Let’s race for cars,” and you get all pumped up to watch the race…and they don’t show it. They just have Vin Diesel and Walker swaggin’ back in with a new G-something-or-other. But there’s still some pretty boss driving scenes, although one of them results in the death of everyone in Brasil. (Spoiler: they literally are dragging a whole vault down the street with cars and it’s bouncing all over everything and crushing things and smashing into buildings. And there is a 100% chance they killed a bunch of little Brasilian babies.)

I was slightly distracted by Paul Walker’s wife/girlfriend/long-term fuckbuddy (I don’t know, okay? This is seriously the first Fast movie I’ve seen), because she has no top lip and so I kept thinking I was watching Planet of the Apes instead. So that was confusing.

Yeah, this isn't her.

Also, Dwayne Johnson has the hugest arms in the world. And they definitely slathered some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter on those babies between scenes, because those hams were glistening. His arms are easily the size of his (also glistening) head. Like, there’s a scene (spoiler) where he and Vin Diesel fight, and it was like Meat Transformers. Seriously, those dudes are SO BIG. And they were just crashing into each other like a bunch of alien robots made out of human parts (and steroids).

As for the requisite Lady Hotness portion of the movie, they had Elsa Pataky, who (spoiler) plays a lady cop who falls in love with Vin Diesel in 0.001 seconds. She’s all, “I gotta catch you, you’re bad!” and then he slams her against the wall to save her life and she’s like, “Would you care for a complimentary blowjob?” Seriously. And then there’s Gal Gadot, who I thought was adorable mostly because she ends up with the Asian guy (and because she has a really cool black jacket that I want).

This coat is the bee's knees.

Overall, I’d give it a something-out-of-something on the Wild Hearts movie scale. Honestly, I have no idea what to rate it, because conventionally speaking, it had some pretty horrible acting and the cheesiest lines ever written. Like, to the point where if I’d stayed to watch the credits, I’m fairly sure it said, “Scriptwriting by: Swiss E. Provolone.” BUT it was really entertaining, and kind of cute, and I liked it a lot even if it technically sucked. So an eight? I don’t know. Luckily for me, the People of the Internet don’t read this blog to decide if they’re going to watch Fast Five or not, so I got nothing to worry about.

A Movie Review (Don’t Worry, It’s Sexy)

I watched a movie called Chloe last night.

Personally, I think it should’ve been named “Creepy Girls, Lesbian Sex, and Tits: A Life Lesson in Why You Shouldn’t Hire a Call Girl to Fuck Your Husband.” But Chloe does have more of a ring to it.

Basically, SPOILER ALERT, the movie is about a scarily pink-faced lady (Julianne Moore) thinking her still-super-studly professor and general man-whore of a husband (Liam Neeson–also, isn’t Liam Neeson the best name ever? Just saying) is cheating on her. And she totally has good reason to, because he’s super sketchy and distant and has slutty college students blowing up his phone. So she does what any logical person would do, and calmly asks him about it (and about a text she found on his phone where some girl was like, “OMG THANX FOR CHILLIN LAST NITE IT WAS 2 COOL XXX LET’S BONE” with a picture of her and professor-man).

Oh, wait, no she doesn’t! She hires a call girl. Because OBVIOUSLY that is the sane and rational course of action. But whatever, moving on. She runs into a call girl named Chloe (Amanda Seyfried) in a way that kind of confused me and made no sense (like, how did she know she was a call girl? When did she get her number to arrange their meeting? Maybe they mentioned that but if they did I totally didn’t notice). And Chloe is all like, “Look, pink-faced lady, ginger bush isn’t really usually my thing…” and pink-faced lady is all, “No, it’s cool, I want you to fuck my husband.”

Like, what? Okay, she doesn’t really say that, but she does say, “Come on to him.” And then basically what goes on is that Chloe keeps meeting up with her and telling her all the filthy stuff she’s doing with Professor McManWhore, and Pink-Faced Lady is all like, “Why did you have sex with him? It’s not like I paid you to do that or anything!” but then she kind of gets over it and keeps letting Chloe tell her what goes on.

This is where the movie gets really weird. In case you couldn’t tell, it was already pretty bizarre, but now it just goes buckwild into crazy territory. Because Pink-Faced Lady and Chloe are at a hotel, and Chloe is like, “Blah blah blah your husband’s dick blah blah blah we had crazy sex blah,” and Pink-Faced Lady has a sort of creeperish smile. So Chloe is like, “Is this turning you on?” and Pink-Face doesn’t say anything, but the camera pans up over her squirming around like a giant pink horny worm and the obvious answer is, yes, I am so hot by hearing about my husband cheating on me! Mmm, mm! Good stuff!

Again, WHAT? But I guess Pink-Faced Lady is just not that normal, since she thinks it’s totally kosher to pay someone to fuck her hubby. And then, for reasons that are unclear to me, she has raunchy lesbian sex with Chloe. I watched this with a female friend and we both just stared around at the ceiling and the couch and anywhere but at the screen, because Pink-Faced Lady’s old-ass eraser nipples were taking up like 3/4ths of the screen. And they’re all like, “OOOOH,” and whatnot and then Chloe basically asks out Pink-Face and gives her a haircomb and Pink-Face kind of rejects her but keeps the comb like a total bitch.

So how does the also-incredibly-sane Chloe get revenge? She fucks Pink-Faced Lady’s spoiled asshole of a son and then Pink-Face catches her, and Chloe admits her love or something while trying to stab Pink-Face with the comb, and then she falls out the window and dies, and somehow this whole mess brought Pink-Face and Professor Man-Whore back together because he admits he never cheated (crazy Chloe made it all up to bang one out with Pink-Face, I guess?) and isn’t too pissed that his wife got it on with a hot young girl, because duh.

Overall, it was interesting, but also kind of made no sense at the same time. But I am easily swayed by attractive things, and Amanda Seyfried had great clothes/hair/makeup the whole time, so that was enough to keep me interested. It got knocked down some pretty points by flashing so much Julianne Moore nip (and more than a lot of Seyfried boob, too, but at least she’s not a zillion years old) but what can you do. If I had to give it a grade, I’d give it a B-? C+? I don’t know anymore, my brain is too addled by the sight of so much old-lady rack.

Bunnies Kissing

You know what bothers me about indie movies? They’re sad. Why can’t a movie be great and amazing and award-winning and indie without being 95% depressing? I’m not saying that those movies aren’t great, ’cause they are. But I like happy things.

Like bunnies kissing. Maybe if indie filmmakers looked at this picture, there would be a lot more smiling people on the Sundance channel. Just sayin’.