Things That Ruin Real Life (But Never the Movies)

Movies and TV are a dream world, and I get that. But lately, the trend has been gritty, hyperrealism–take the hungry, dirty cast of The Walking Dead and the depressing personal lives of everyone on Mad Men, for example. Everything about modern movies and shows is as real as possible…but damn, do they still forget some important details. Such as…

  1. Periods. Yeah, people, I’m going there. Sometimes–usually about once a month–girls have some “lady business” going on. And for those of you who don’t know, it’s not a one-day affair. I am really not sure how all the women of The Walking Dead are coping without tampons. And if you’re saying, “Oh, they have some but they just don’t show it,” bullpuckey. They made a whole episode about getting baby formula, so don’t tell me one of those girls isn’t in need of some feminine hygiene products. And Lost is even worse. There is NO WAY they were getting pads from anywhere, but nobody breathes a word about that.
  2. Haircuts. See above–how the fuck is anyone in end-of-the-worldia making time for a nice trim with haircutting scissors? Or a straight shave?
  3. Dead bodies. In a lot of movies and shows where a large number of people die, there are WAY less bodies around than one would expect. Or, said dead bodies are pretty as a peach, since no movie wants to show the beloved main character looking like a bloated beluga whale. Let’s get real here–corpses aren’t cute.
  4. Bullet counts. Oh, wow, the main character of EVERY MOVIE EVER has a magical 42-round pistol! Better buy me one of those before it’s illegal, ammIright? Count the shots in the next big fight scene you’re watching, and I’d bet my bottom dollar the hero is not reloading when his double-barrel shotgun kills 9 people.
  5. Makeup. Unless the movie is about beauty queens, you’re supposed to assume that everyone just looks like that. They show the girl next door lying down peacefully with a full face of makeup, and you’re supposed to believe part of her “natural beauty” are eyelash extensions and lipliner. Or said girl will be running through the woods for 6 weeks without food and water, but her eyeshadow is still flawless.
  6. Clothes. No one in movies or TV shows EVER repeats an outfit. Even characters that aren’t supposed to be loaded seem to have a limitless closet. Take Sookie from True Blood–she’s a bayou waitress with noooo money and yet she owns more sundresses than a Macy’s.
  7. Sex. I know that showing the two hot-and-heavy leads taking out a condom kind of kills the magic, but damn, people, STDs!

Now, I could go on and on, but I’m in the middle of a movie marathon, so I’ve gotta go soak up more deliciously flawed entertainment.

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Notflix

I like movies. A lot. I wouldn’t call myself a “movie buff,” because I’m not an emaciated nerd with who gets woodys for his Woody Allen collection. But I like movies.

The problem with movies is Netflix. I don’t know what drunk group of monkeys picks what movies go on there, but I think they have some kind of arrangement with B-list Hollywood. So finding a watchable movie on there takes longer than watching the movie, and it’s killing me.

Some Horrible Movies I’ve Seen on Netflix

1.) The Killer Inside Me. I might not be qualified to speak on this, since I turned it off 20 minutes in, but I’m obviously not alone in my opinion because Jessica Alba “won” a Razzie for it. First of all, it was confusing in just the first few minutes, and second of all, there are two violent sex scenes and child-rape in just the 20 minutes I watched, plus a horrible beating scene (the Razzies were unfair–Jessica Alba totally looked like someone who got punched in the face after she got punched in the face) where I turned it off. The reviews said he basically keeps that up for the rest of the movie. Ooh, what a story!

2.) Everything else. (In case you couldn’t tell, I just watched that unwatchable 20 minutes of The Rapist Inside Casey Affleck and I just wanted to complain. I don’t really know what other terrible movies are on there well enough to write about them, because they’re CLEARLY TERRIBLE and so I don’t watch them.)