New Year’s Resolutions

Ten percent of all New Year’s Resolutions fail, according to some magazine I recently leafed through. New Year’s Resolutions are like trendy clothes–you’re crazy about them at first, start to get a little tired and bored of them, and finally, you ditch them. Let’s face it, challenging yourself to start the Insanity workout the day after the year’s biggest binge-drinking fest is not exactly a stellar idea.

Which is why you should just resolve to do easy stuff! Exercising, diets, doing that whole no-shampoo hair thing–these are all great, but they’re lifestyle changes, and they need to be contingent upon a real desire to change, not a drunken promise you made on December 31st. In my humble opinion, New Year’s Resolutions should be fun. Now, I personally don’t make any, because I’m not a nerd, but if that’s your thing, I’ve compiled a few you might try. Ditch your new gym membership, put down that lean salmon, and listen up.

New Year’s Resolutions Anyone Can Actually Stick To!

  1. Try a new hairstyle once every week. All year. It’s going to be hilarious (after the usuals, you’re going to have to get creative–hope you look good in cornrows!) and a great excuse to spend tons of money on hair products.
  2. Invent your own signature cocktail (and then teach it to the bartenders every time you go out). When the “[Your Name Here]” becomes a thing, and all the sorority girls are ordering it at the pub, you’ll thank me.
  3. Get a pet. Animals are extremely funny and do weird, entertaining things all the time. If you hate animals, get a cat–they’ll hate you too, and they’ll still be entertaining!
  4. Learn a stupid skill that will get you laid. You know what drunk people love? Stupid tricks. Not everyone can do a cartwheel or spit sunflower seeds into a shot glass–these are life skills! 2013 is your year, baby.
  5. Eat a food you’ve never tried every month, for all 12 of ’em. And I mean never. Here comes uglyfruit, zebra meat, and caviar (for those with a previously unsophisticated palette). You’re welcome!

Ok, go!

Fake New Year’s Resolutions

I have never really been one for New Year’s Resolutions. Mostly because I know I won’t stick to them, especially if they’re about exercise (Running. Is. So. Boring. And I used to do track, but seriously, that’s why I was a sprinter. If I could just run a 200 and call it a day, maybe I’d work out). And it seems kinda bleak and depressing to kick off the new year by ruining all the grand plans I had for it during Week One.

So instead, I don’t make any resolutions. In the spirit of 2011, though, here are some potential ones that I wish I could actually do, although that’ll never happen so I’m not even going to try (I’m a real champ):

  1. Stop finding Kanye West attractive. Just stop. (Normally, I hate hate double-hate loathe cocky guys, especially ones with diamonds for bottom teeth. But Kayne West is just the exception that proves the rule. Although I may have accidentally stumbled across some semi-nude pictures of him and he has a monster bush, so that might help me stop thinking he’s sexy.)
  2. Stop procrastinating EVERYTHING. Fuck it, I’ll just do that in 2012 (see what I did there?!?!?).
  3. Learn to do a cartwheel. I feel like if I could do cartwheels I would just do them everywhere I went, yelling, “WHEEEEE!” while I pinwheeled around everyone in circles. A good idea? No. But totally boss? Yes.

Yum. I can still say that since it's only 2010.

 

Well, that’s three. That is a lot of fake resolutioning I did there.

Seriously, though, what are you sitting around reading this blog for? Go buy something sparkly (and I don’t mean coke with glitter in it, revelers) and start mixing up fifty kegs of Jungle Juice. Stop thinking, start drinking! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!