A Post About Shannyn Sossamon and My Hair

I did it! I made the cut. I am the proud new owner (wearer? Haver?) of side bangs. Which I cut all by myself, thankyouverymuch! All it took was a YouTube video and some special haircutting scissors lent to me by the roomie, and violĂ ! I actually like it, although I felt like I was in ‘Nam while I was doing it. I was shaking and breathless with each snip, like I was doing open-heart surgery on my head, and I was hyper-aware of every sound because I was afraid someone was gonna come knock on the door and scare me into chopping off a giant piece. But it was worth the war flashbacks because I really like it.

In other important Wild Hearts news, I, um, hmmmm, well fuck. I don’t have any other important news. It’s kinda sad that my hairstyle is my only important bulliten. I guess I’ll have to make some things up.

I saw a three-headed duck eating a pastrami sandwich! Toddlers have overrun my campus and are now teaching all the classes! Shannyn Sossamon and I are now best friends!

I kinda wish that last one was real. I don’t really know what me and Shannyn Sossamon would do if we were besties, but I know it would be awesome. (One of my friends just told me they got to interview her over the phone, and that was my question: Was she awesome? I don’t even know why I asked since the answer is obviously yes.)

I’m off to buy thousands of textbooks and waste all my hard-earned money, so th-th-that’s all for now, folks! I know you’re really upset that my nonsensical ramblings are done for the day, but don’t cry, there’s always more crazy.

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Oh Honey Honey

There are certain things I’m just a sucker for. Like being kissed on the neck, or fuzzy dogs, or…dance movies. I love dance movies. They’re kind of like superhero movies, in that I love them all, regardless of who is in it or the specific plot. If some inspired genius makes a superhero movie where they dance…well, either Earth will implode or I’ll be one happy camper.

Secretly, he's Batman.

Today, I watched a famous dance movie that I have never seen before–the cinematic masterpiece known as Honey. I will fully admit that I loved it. Why? Obviously you skipped ahead, you naughty Internet you. I don’t care if the actors are holding the scripts in their hands and mumbling every single line in Farsi (okay, I probably would, because that just sounds confusing) as long as there is lots of dancing.

This is Jessica Alba in Honey, as (wait for it) Honey:

Usually, though, she looks more like a ghetto Bratz doll in, like, giant cargo pants and tiny tank-tops. I just had to use that picture to get the attention of the perverts, and also because when I Google “Honey” there are like three pictures that aren’t the movie poster or Pooh Bear. Anyway. That’s her, and she does a lot of dancing.

You know what else she does a lot of? This.

Not that I mean she just puts earrings in for two hours. I mean that she pretty much just walks around looking pretty and talking with a hilarious faux-ghetto accent. (There is seriously a part where she says, “Their flavor is hot!” And she is not kidding. Or talking about food.) But I think Honey was just one of those cases where I like the actress so even though her part is kind of dumb  I don’t care and I like it anyway. (Whereas Natalie Portman could play a role called Everything WildHearts Loves Ever Times a Million and I would still hate it.) Also, it’s a dance movie, so I auto-love it.

I love dancing. I am not good at it, but I love it. I’ve always wanted to take a class or something, but I’m a ridiculously slow learner and so I would have to learn with the five-year-olds and still get extra help. Whenever I do dance workout videos, they’re like, “Okay, step, step, and half-turn, do a magic-twisting-donkey-spiral, and jump, shake-shake, left hand behind head, right arm sweep up and over and switch! Now do it backwards!” And I’m just standing there working on “step.” Do normal people pick that stuff up? Long story short, I’m no Honey. But I think everyone can naturally just dance to good music, so that is the kind of dancing I do.

Also, I want to learn to pole dance.

Before you call me a slut–actually, fine, call me a slut–it’s supposed to be a great workout.

This is one of those posts that was supposed to be about only one thing, but I just keep rambling and rambling and rambling. And rambling. Did you really read all the way down here, Internet? Kudos to you, kudos.

A List of Things

I write a lot about specific topics, and even though I manage to put in a lot of random rambling, sometimes I want the whole post to be me tipping over my head and pouring out my brain. So, here is a list of random thoughts from the scrambledy noggin of me, Wild Hearts.

  1. I am very lucky. I have been extra-extra happy lately, and I am super thankful. Is that corny as all get-out? Yes. (Also, was saying “corny as all get-out” corny? Yeah. But if I keep asking that it’s just gonna be an infinite circle of corniness and no one wants that.) But is it true? Also yes.
  2. I love everything made out of potatoes. Mmm.
  3. Sometimes, I take things too personally, or get bitchy over something stupid. I’m working on it, and so far, so good. (You catch more rabbits with honey. I don’t know if that’s true, but the point here is that honey is good and I really don’t want to catch any flies. And bunnies and honey are cute!)
  4. I feel 9,000 times sexier in a garter belt and thigh-highs. It is my Instant Sexy.
  5. I am superstitious. Some things I believe in: knocking on wood, salt being protective, almost any folk tale, and not messing around with mirrors. (Black cats, however, I love.)
  6. I will do abso-fucking-lutely anything to bounce on a trampoline.
  7. I think it would be really cool to have black hair for a day (I’m blonde). But just a day.
  8. My favorite kind of people are carefree and fun and funny and wild and spontaneous, but who can also be the best serious conversation you’ve ever had. I’m lucky enough to know a few.
  9. I wear a lot of blush because I like to always look like I’ve just been laughing. (Not like a tranny, I promise.)
  10. Pickles. SO GOOD.
  11. I have an intense, burning hatred for nostalgia. And for living in the past. It’s good to have good memories, but that’s all they are. Make new better ones instead.
  12. When I see cute dogs I want to kidnap them. Especially Great Pyrenees.
  13. I don’t trust people who don’t like the water.
  14. One of my favorite things in the whole-wide world is when you look at them and you can tell what they’re thinking through their eyes. (Unless it’s something bad, like, “I hate her stupid face.” And then you can just slap on a pair of sunglasses, thankyouverymuch.)
  15. I am really excellent at telling people how I feel about them if they say it first. I could date someone for five billion years but I will never, ever, ever say, “I love you,” before they do unless it’s an accident. But if they say it, no problemo.
  16. I like giving head.
  17. Drinks with sour mix in them are delicious. Are you drinking one right now? No? Then you should be.
  18. I can’t wait for my hair to get longer.
  19. This number is my birth-day!

That is a lot of random thoughts, but there you have it.

See? Instant Sexy, just add legs.

 

Coyotes and Angelina Jolie

Finals are in the process of frying my brain into a puddle of pink goo. Which will then leak out my ears very attractively, and probably ruin whatever shirt I’m wearing. But it’s okay, because my puddle-brain will be too addled to notice such things.

Long story short, I do not have the mental capacity to write with my normal brilliance and awesomeness. It’s a shame that the noggin that brought the internet such prolific posts is temporary out of commission, but…okay, fine, I’m going to write about the same random shit that I always do. Except that today I reserve the right to make absolutely no sense and ramble on even more than usual. Buckle your seat-belts; it’s about to get brain dead.

So. Two things that I love are coyotes and Angelina Jolie. What do those two things have to do with each other, you ask? Nothing.

This is a coyote who still has his summer fur in early winter. That is reason number one to love them–they change their clothes, just like adorable fuzzy little people. Also, they’re smart, and beautiful, and I feel like they’re just thinking interesting things while they’re bouncing around. Like, “Ooh, look, those humans are scaa-aared! Bitch, please. I’m going to Jack’s going-away party so he can scurry on over to California and east some good food. I don’t want your fat ass.” Or maybe, “I wonder why the sky is blue?” Or, “I am so much hotter than a wolf. Why is the phrase ‘wolf-whistle’? Have they seen me? Obviously it should be ‘coyote-whistle.'” Even if they would bite my face off I still want one for a pet. (Or a fox. But I’d rather have a coyote. Especially that one.)

This is Angelia Jolie. She’s not a coyote, as far as I know.

However, she is a really good actress (watch Girl, Interrupted. Just watch it. I dare you. And now I dared you, so if you don’t, you’re a chicken) and also really nice. She adopted like a kajillion babies and she works with the UN and she helps people, and also she was asked how she spends the money she makes yearly and she said, “Save one-third, live on one-third and give away one-third.” Even if you’re richie rich, giving away 33.3% of your income is super nice.

Plus, she does a great cat-eye. And I give mad props to anyone who wears the cat-eye, ’cause I love it.

And:

Brad Pitt. I know all these people think she stole him from Jenny Aniston, but come on. If you had to pick between the two of them, who would you choose? Besides, it obviously wasn’t meant to be with the Goldilocks couple, since the Jolie-Pitt duo has been together for a while. So. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, haters.

Seriously, this post makes no sense. But it has two solid things in it (coyotes! Angelina Jolie!) so maybe it only kind of sucks, instead of really really sucking?

No, it’s horrible. I’m sorry. If you made it all the way to the bottom of this post, you deserve a prize. So here it is…a hug from me, to the Internet! (This is the part where you wrap your arms around yourself. Enjoy.)