Real Beauty Secrets

The internet is full of beauty secrets. Lots of them are terrible and should stay secrets, some are so “okay, duh” that the article isn’t worth the finger-strength to type, and then some are actually pure gold.

Now, the secrets I adhere to come from a million places, most of which I can’t remember. But I promise that none of them suck, and all of them work (disclaimer: work for me, someone with fair, sensitive, dry skin). So here you go–you’re welcome.

  1. Moisturize, you whores. You know when they ask an actress what beauty product they’d use if they could only have one, and they always say “mascara” or “lipstick”? They’re stupid. The answer is always moisturizer. If you’re thinking, “But that’s a skin product, not makeup!” then you clearly don’t realize the beautifying powers of moisturizer. I hate all moisturizers except for two; I’ve tried every one with good reviews and ratings and none work for me except Embryolisse Concentrated Lait Cream (ooh la la, from France!) and Burt’s Bees Radiance Day Lotion.
  2. Cold water. There is so much back-and-forth on whether or not it actually closes your pores, but who cares–it refreshes your skin and wakes it up. Take that, hangover morning routine.
  3.  Wiggle the mascara brush while you’re applying. Not like you’re having a seizure in your hand, just a slight, subtle back-and-forth while pulling the brush upward through your lashes. The difference is seriously noticeable.
  4. Take makeup off before you go to bed. Yes, this is one of those “okay, duh” tips, but so many people don’t do this. It’s skin suicide. Leaving makeup to sink into your skin widens your pores–something you can’t fix, btws–and allows everything on your face to be absorbed into your body all night (60% of what you put on your skin gets absorbed, mmmkay?).
  5. No foundation. Unless you reeeeally need it. See #4–it’s too much gunk on your skin. To be fair, everyone goes for a different look, but I like the “I have naturally flawless skin” look, not the “I caked something on and you can tell” look. Use non-comodegenic concealer and finish with mineral powder instead of using heavy foundations.
  6. Exfoliate, and not with chemicals. See #4 again–you want that junk pouring into your body? Mix brown sugar and milk into a liquid-y paste, and gently scrub over your skin. It’ll be soooo soft, and if any gets in your mouth, it tastes good!
  7. Get a dermatologist. If you have insurance and the means, this one is no joke. They will help you on a personalized basis in way no internet article ever can.

Now that I think of it, this post is dumb. It all feels like “okay, duh” stuff to me, but maybe some beauty-challenged folks will appreciate it. I hope so–and you better wash that keyboard grime off your hands before trying any of the above!

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Let’s Hate Ourselves

If you live in America, you probably hate yourself. Don’t feel bad, it’s just a thing, like knowing the Pledge of Allegiance or owning Levi’s. (I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic, for which it stands, one nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all! Is that right? I typed it out of memory, okay?)

Anyway, people react to this whole society-makes-us-hate-ourselves thing in two ways: they either pretend they love everything about themselves and that their every flaw is a precious adorable diamond, or they keep a secret mental list of everything they would change about themselves if they could. An easy way to find out which type of person your friend is is to ask one simple question: “If you could get plastic surgery, what would you get done?” Absolutely everyone is going to swear they would never get it and they don’t want it, but the fine folks in sector two will then say, “But if I had to…” and then launch into their I-Suck List.

I am fully aware that this is kind of depressing and sad and blah blah blah, but it’s also totally fun if you still generally like yourself but have some things you would like to change. It’s like a game, except you can never win! Me, for instance: I would have thicker hair and perfect skin with a perennial tan and a ten-digit bank account. You just have to be careful not to play too much, or you might find yourself sobbing on the floor and slowly cutting off sections of your eyelashes.

This uplifting message has been brought to you by the WildHearts! And, big disclaimer, whatever you hate about yourself, someone else probably stalks you taking photographs of and wants to lick (your big feet, for instance). So just roll with it like our hippie-dippy friends in Sector One!

In the Ink of an Eye

Wow, that title was dumb! I’m talking about tattoos.

Yes, tattoos. Lately, I keep running into boring pieces about why they’re bad, then why they’re good, then why they’re kind of okay, blah blah blah. It’s all kind of like saying, “I really adore sardines, and since I just love them you have to eat them too!” or, “I really loathe sardines, and since I just hate them you have to not eat them too!” Or something. I mean, what is the point of writing an article telling other people how they should feel about tattoos? Your pen/keyboard/quill (kicking it old school, I like that) is not magical, and no one is going to agree with you just because you put it on your Facebook.

So you might be asking yourself, Well, you sassy minx, then what in the name of Dickens is this post going to be about? I’ll tell you: different kinds of cheeses and their native lands. First we have Gouda, and Munster, and…oh, did you know tattoo artists practice on cheeses before stabbing their inky needles into human skin? Damn, we’re back on the tattoo thing.

Basically, my point (disclaimer: I don’t have a point. What do you think this is, a paper? I just type things) is that you can feel however you want to feel about tattoos, but don’t push your bullshit on other people. One of the articles I read said a lot of boring blather about how women are classy and take care of themselves and paint their toenails (seriously, it said that…I mean, I skimmed, but those were main elements), and that tattoos totally ruin it and make women “trashy.” It also said women “hold the world’s beauty in their hands,” which totally discredits the face of Johnny Depp and the body of Channing Tatum, as well as some seriously impressive ab work by David Beckham.

And then all the pro-tattoo articles say that tattoos have meaning and your body is a beautiful butterfly of a canvas to paint with Ed Hardy logos meaningful art. And no, that tattoo sleeve does not make you trashy, it makes you a glorious walking Jackson Pollock/Your Favorite Artist Here.

I, personally, love tattoos, so if you think my summary of the pro-tattoo side sounds a little bitchy, it’s only because it does. I had to, to make it sound like I was being fair and not making fun of the prudish no-tattoo people (kidding, my milk-skinned dears). I think well-done, meaningful, not-done-at-3-am-on-a-Jack-and-Coke-binge tattoos are truly a form of art, and gorgeous.

But, if you hate them, and think that every dude/lady sporting a tramp stamp is, well, a tramp, that’s cool too. Because I don’t care. Isn’t it cool? I have my own opinion, and it doesn’t match your opinion, but it’s okay, because we’re grown-ups and I don’t even hate you! Aren’t you glad you read this? Now you can look down at your Mike + Jenny 4Eva tattoo fondly, or look down at your bare skin glistening in the moonlight and be all, yeah, fresh as a baby’s bottom! The WildHearts guarantee: EVERYBODY WINS.

Agua

Drinking water is hard.

No, seriously. According to all those people who make up the food pyramid (which they probably do while stuffing donuts in their faces and laughing about how people actually eat 18 servings of whole grains day), you’re supposed to drink eight eight-once glasses a day. Which is about two liters.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m just not that thirsty. But I like to be healthy and have good skin, and all the supermodels say they chug water like I chug vodka, so there has to be some connection there. (Or they’re in cahoots with the food pyramid-people, but that is just too big a conspiracy to tackle in one post. But I’m going to be mad if it turns out I could healthily eat a dozen donuts every day.)

So, in the interest of health, I strolled out the other day and bought myself a snazzy new water bottle. Three of them make two liters, so I thought to myself, “Huzzah, I only have to drink three of these a day!” (I didn’t actually think “huzzah.” What am I, a preacher?) Alas, it was not that simple.

  • Water Bottle #1: Ahh, I feel nice and refreshed after drinking that! I’m also pretty full. Gosh, that is a lot of water I just drank. Hey, is that my stomach sloshing around while I walk? I’m like a human water balloon! Cool!
  • Water Bottle #2: I am really not thirsty at all. And I kind of have to pee. A lot. And I just went to the bathroom! What if water just starts leaking out my face or something? Wait, is that why tears happen? I wonder if dehydrated people can cry. Ugh, I would rather think about that then drink the rest of this giant water bottle. And now it’s kind of warm, ewww.
  • Water Bottle #3: UGH WHY WHY I WANT TO BE IN A DESERT I NEVER WANT TO DRINK AGAIN PLEASE SOMEONE COME PUT ME OUT MY MISERY AND GIVE ME A BOTTLE OF SAND INSTEAD.

Okay, so it’s not quite that dramatic, and I am sure plenty of people happily guzzle down a lake’s worth of water and blah blah blah. And I know I am lucky to have too much agua instead of the other way around. But seriously, that is a lot of water.

Gold, Not Orange

Tan people are so pretty.

Every time I look at a picture of a tan person and I’m like, “Oh, I want to copy their makeup!” I realize I just want to copy their tan tan face. Also this is a picture of Victoria’s Secret models, and I’ve heard they’re sort of okay-looking too, so maybe that has something to do with it.

Cum On Over and Read This Post

I am afraid getting facials is bad for my skin.

Not a spa facial, obviously. Although if that were true it would be an amazing breakthrough and I could become famous. They would call me “The Dirty Scientist” and say, “She Uncovered the Truth, Which Is That Cleaning Your Face Is Bad For Your Face!” Actually, you know what, that sounds horrible. Why would I even create a fake fantasy life where I’m known as the Dirty Scientist? I really didn’t think this through.

Anyway, I meant the dirty kind of facial, obviously. (Also, I write about having people come on my face a lot. A lot more than is normal, probably. But the first step in knowing you have a problem is admitting you have a problem, right? [Side note–obviously my problem is that I talk about facials a lot; clearly my raging sex addiction is not a problem. Ask anyone.])

Back to the topic at hand, I was just mulling it over, and I wonder if cum is bad for your face. Based on the amount of facials I get (don’t ask me, it’s not like I have some secret diary under my mattress with “Cumshot Journal” on the cover…seriously, I totally don’t), I feel like it isn’t. Which means…could cum be good for your skin?

I read about some show where some psycho mom (coughMadonnacough) made her son give her like a tube of his jizz so she could use it as hand cream or something. Ignoring the highly disturbing content of that last sentence and refraining from any super-creepy puns, if that is true, I should have some youthful-ass skin.

To be honest, though, even if someone was like, “Don’t let anyone cum on you because it’s bad for you and you will get a cold or something,” I would still be like, “Yes please.” My friends were all, “WHY DO YOU LIKE THAT, IT’S DISGUSTING.” And my answer is, I have no idea. I bet if you asked a dude why he liked seeing girls covered in cum, he would have an equally vague answer. It either turns you on or it doesn’t. And believe me, it turns me on.

Oh and also I hope it’s good for my skin, just as an added benefit.