Real Beauty Secrets

The internet is full of beauty secrets. Lots of them are terrible and should stay secrets, some are so “okay, duh” that the article isn’t worth the finger-strength to type, and then some are actually pure gold.

Now, the secrets I adhere to come from a million places, most of which I can’t remember. But I promise that none of them suck, and all of them work (disclaimer: work for me, someone with fair, sensitive, dry skin). So here you go–you’re welcome.

  1. Moisturize, you whores. You know when they ask an actress what beauty product they’d use if they could only have one, and they always say “mascara” or “lipstick”? They’re stupid. The answer is always moisturizer. If you’re thinking, “But that’s a skin product, not makeup!” then you clearly don’t realize the beautifying powers of moisturizer. I hate all moisturizers except for two; I’ve tried every one with good reviews and ratings and none work for me except Embryolisse Concentrated Lait Cream (ooh la la, from France!) and Burt’s Bees Radiance Day Lotion.
  2. Cold water. There is so much back-and-forth on whether or not it actually closes your pores, but who cares–it refreshes your skin and wakes it up. Take that, hangover morning routine.
  3.  Wiggle the mascara brush while you’re applying. Not like you’re having a seizure in your hand, just a slight, subtle back-and-forth while pulling the brush upward through your lashes. The difference is seriously noticeable.
  4. Take makeup off before you go to bed. Yes, this is one of those “okay, duh” tips, but so many people don’t do this. It’s skin suicide. Leaving makeup to sink into your skin widens your pores–something you can’t fix, btws–and allows everything on your face to be absorbed into your body all night (60% of what you put on your skin gets absorbed, mmmkay?).
  5. No foundation. Unless you reeeeally need it. See #4–it’s too much gunk on your skin. To be fair, everyone goes for a different look, but I like the “I have naturally flawless skin” look, not the “I caked something on and you can tell” look. Use non-comodegenic concealer and finish with mineral powder instead of using heavy foundations.
  6. Exfoliate, and not with chemicals. See #4 again–you want that junk pouring into your body? Mix brown sugar and milk into a liquid-y paste, and gently scrub over your skin. It’ll be soooo soft, and if any gets in your mouth, it tastes good!
  7. Get a dermatologist. If you have insurance and the means, this one is no joke. They will help you on a personalized basis in way no internet article ever can.

Now that I think of it, this post is dumb. It all feels like “okay, duh” stuff to me, but maybe some beauty-challenged folks will appreciate it. I hope so–and you better wash that keyboard grime off your hands before trying any of the above!

Cum On Over and Read This Post

I am afraid getting facials is bad for my skin.

Not a spa facial, obviously. Although if that were true it would be an amazing breakthrough and I could become famous. They would call me “The Dirty Scientist” and say, “She Uncovered the Truth, Which Is That Cleaning Your Face Is Bad For Your Face!” Actually, you know what, that sounds horrible. Why would I even create a fake fantasy life where I’m known as the Dirty Scientist? I really didn’t think this through.

Anyway, I meant the dirty kind of facial, obviously. (Also, I write about having people come on my face a lot. A lot more than is normal, probably. But the first step in knowing you have a problem is admitting you have a problem, right? [Side note–obviously my problem is that I talk about facials a lot; clearly my raging sex addiction is not a problem. Ask anyone.])

Back to the topic at hand, I was just mulling it over, and I wonder if cum is bad for your face. Based on the amount of facials I get (don’t ask me, it’s not like I have some secret diary under my mattress with “Cumshot Journal” on the cover…seriously, I totally don’t), I feel like it isn’t. Which means…could cum be good for your skin?

I read about some show where some psycho mom (coughMadonnacough) made her son give her like a tube of his jizz so she could use it as hand cream or something. Ignoring the highly disturbing content of that last sentence and refraining from any super-creepy puns, if that is true, I should have some youthful-ass skin.

To be honest, though, even if someone was like, “Don’t let anyone cum on you because it’s bad for you and you will get a cold or something,” I would still be like, “Yes please.” My friends were all, “WHY DO YOU LIKE THAT, IT’S DISGUSTING.” And my answer is, I have no idea. I bet if you asked a dude why he liked seeing girls covered in cum, he would have an equally vague answer. It either turns you on or it doesn’t. And believe me, it turns me on.

Oh and also I hope it’s good for my skin, just as an added benefit.