SUPERficial

You know what word I hate? Superficial. And most of its synonyms (which, I’ll admit, I totally just Googled)–shallow, skin-deep, sciolistic. Now, I now there are a lot of meanings to these words, some of which are terrible, like being self-absorbed to the point of ignorance. But when most people toss out the word “superficial,” it’s regarding a girl who is obsessed with fashion and makeup and clothes, because these are “shallow,” “superficial” things.

And you know who is someone who’s obsessed with fashion and makeup and clothes? Me. So I take offense to that, thankyouverymuch! Because here’s how I see it–a stamp-collector, or a basketball fanatic, or an avid woodworker, or a surfer who never leaves the ocean–are all obsessed with something particular, and no one calls them “superficial.” Why? Because style and cosmetics are related to one’s appearance, and woodworking–not so much.

But why does loving these things have to make you “shallow,” when no one would say that to a fat guy in a Nets jersey who DVRs every game? Why can’t people separate the fact that “superficial” things relate to aesthetic with the “superficial” person’s love of these things? Loving clothes doesn’t mean you love them because you are self-absorbed regarding your own appearance, it could mean that you appreciate the artistry in a fashion designer’s work, or that you love the experience of pairing and styling clothes to create outfits. It’s all fine and dandy for a nerd to bore your face off about Dr. Who, but if you breathe a word about Chanel, you’re suddenly a boring, shallow bimbo.

So, people-who-label-and-shame-others-by-calling-them-superficial, the next time you decide to write off a makeup junkie or a shopaholic, realize that it’s just a hobby or fixation like anything else, and then go back to your bird-watching or scrapbooking.

Staples

I have loved clothes ever since I was a little girl. I like to think I was pretty fashionable even as a 5-year-old–trust, my oversized Nike tee and my vast collection of Ariel gear would be indie gold today–but it took me a long time to hit my shopping stride. Let me explain–I’ve never had problems shopping until I drop (mostly my jaw, when looking over my bank statement). But until a year or so ago, I wouldn’t say that I was shopping properly.

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See, there are three types of clothing shoppers. And if you ask me, these could apply to personalities as well, but some people don’t like to be defined by their ugly shoes, and that is their right. So, there’s…

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  1. Shopper Numero Uno. This person is the practicalist. They don’t like shopping for clothes. They get in (to boring stores with cheap clothes) and get out with the bare necessities. They probably wear running shoes as sneakers and own jeans that make their butt look flat.
  2. Shopper Numero Dos. This kind of shopper is also practical, but they have a modicum of personal style. They shop at plain stores and aren’t super into it, but they have enough sense not to wear Shoxx out to dinner.
  3. Shopper Numero Tres. The trend-whore. This shopper leafs through Lucky, runs to the store, and spends $600 on high-waisted baroque pants that make them look like a 15th-century whale.
  4. Shopper Numero Quatro. The classic shopper. They know that quality is worth more than quantity  and they buy clothes that flatter their body type. They don’t like to change it up–they know what works for them  and they stick to it. Forever.
  5. Shopper Numero Cinco. This is the best type of shopper. They’re a healthy mix of Dos, Tres, and Quatro. They shop smart, know what works for their shape and style, but still try new things.

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See, I just made that up right off the top of my head, but it seems pretty accurate. You can probably squish anybody into one of these categories (if you’re some kind of cruel freak who likes to label others–God, what kind of monster are you?!). And so for my whole life, I was a Tres-Quatro. I had my body-conscious, never-change-’em clothes (ancient jeans that I still wear–they hug my body even after 700 washes), but for everything else, I’d just run out and get whatever was in stores. If i liked it, I bought it. The end result was a tragically overstuffed closet filled with clothes that clashed more than two Kardashian sisters fighting over a basketball player. I couldn’t put together an outfit to save my life, unless it involved a stripy top and floral-patterned bottoms.

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But then, in a beautiful moment of clarity–or, you know, getting really sick of having a half-useless wardrobe–I realized: you have to shop for staples. The majority of your wardrobe should be well-fitting, nice, practical staples. Jeans. Black leggings. Black tank tops and tees. White tank tops and tees. Plain-colored cardigans and sweaters. And then, once you feel like you’re in a Uniqlo, you can finally get fun things, because hey, you know something you own will match them.

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In conclusion, I am now the most fashionable person in the world, and you can be too. Click this link to take my, “What kind of shopper are you?” quiz and then buy my styling book (Stop Dressing Like That, Fugly!) for the low cost of three installments of $19.99!

Scrap-Person

When I was little, I had this really weird habit of wanting to be just one “type” of person. A perfectly encapsulated stereotype of a human, 100% of the time found in some movie I liked. And it usually never made sense. Some of the people I remember wanting to be are: a gladiator (guess what film that one was from?), a grease monkey, a glamorous lady, and Alison from Judy Blume’s Just as Long as We’re Together because she was always nice and everyone loved her.

And then I grew up, and nothing changed. Okay, a little changed–I stopped caring about making my personality like people from books and movies (because I’m AWESOME) and mostly wanted to look/dress/have hair like people from books and movies. So I’d go all bananas on one style for a few weeks, then move on to the next one. Bada-bing. But some notable characters stuck out, and so these are the people whose style I steal in some kind of twisted self-scrapbooking way:

Brigitte Bardot

Brigitte is my girl forever. She’s gorgeous, crazy, timeless, and her clothes are un-fucking-real. I love her giant hair and raccoon eyes, but it’s her outfits that go into my WildHearts scrapbook of life.

Candice Swanepoel

Scrapbook element: makeup. After all, if you’re going to have face-paint inspiration, who better than a Victoria’s Secret model?

Ballerinas

They’re the reason I love black tights. Ballet clothes are so pretty and simple and effortless and, sure, look way better on anorexic dancers than the average person, but who said I was average?

Bohemians

I forgot to add “gypsy” to the list of things I really wanted to be when I was little.

I’m bored now. You’re probably bored too! Or, if you’re an American, you’re probably too busy watching your dad blow off his fingers with a firework to read this post.

 

Want > Need

Right now, I am longing for…

…a bright red shirt with the Coca-Cola logo on it, fresh flowers to fill my room, a Jag, less split ends, a spa day, a tiny fuzzy pet to hug, tan suede wedges, slutty velvet dresses from American Apparel, a stable full of horses, summertime, more sushi from the place up the street, a plain tank top in every color of the rainbow but mostly black, and the motivation to work on my other blog.

Oh, shhh, I’m starting a personal blog! Kind of fashiony, kind of not, lots of pictures of my sexual self (but not sexual pictures, you little pervs)–you know the type. But tragically, none of you can ever see it since you read all my freaky-deaky thoughts and you know all my deep-dark secrets. So why am I telling you, you ask? Well, for no reason, I answer! Anyway, what are you longing for tonight?

 

Lolita

When you hear the word “Lolita,” you probably think one of these things:

  • Oh, the book written by Vladimir Nabokov.
  • Oh, the movie by Stanley Kubrick.
  • Oh, the girl’s name.
  • Oh my, I have no idea what this person is talking about. I’m going to pretend I got a text.

When I hear Lolita, I instantly think of boots with lacy ankle socks. Say what you will about the supremely creepy Humbert Humbert, but Lolita herself had some style. Red heart-shaped sunglasses? Adorable socks? Little dresses? I never saw the film, but H. H. here goes into ridiculous detail over what his stepdaughter/mini girlfriend wears in the book. And she might be twelve, but girlfriend knows how to put together an ensemble.

So I say, take some style cues from Dolores “Lolita” Haze. Who cares if you’re twelve or twenty, this smashing style can work for anyone!

However, I am so not talking about that weird Asian lollicon nonsense. I know that in Japan they have a whole “Lolita style” thing going on, but it’s so bastardized that I like to pretend it doesn’t exist–if you read the book, Lolita is not a 19th century ten-year-old who wears giant poofy dresses and carries a parasol. She is your average skinny little girl who runs around in regular kid clothes and has a really good tan, according to Humbert Humbert’s creepy moaning over her.

So how can I dress like a twelve-year-old so that creepy old men get sprung over me, you ask? Why, it’s simple! To add an edge of Lolita sexiness without looking like a weird cosplaying Asian  one of those people who sleeps in a crib after they get home from practicing law wanna-be kid, the key is to keep your outfit mostly age-appropriate and then mix in some innocently sexy pieces.

Think a cute dress you’d wear normally, with my Lolita favorite: ankle socks with heeled booties. Or an oversized sweater over a short, flippy skirt. Or, you know, you could just walk around dressed in too-small clothes and suck on a lollipop and see how that works out for you.

 

How to Be a Girl

If you have lady-parts and you prefer to dress like a trucker and spit tobacco juice out of the corner of your mouth, that is cool (as long as you don’t get any spit on me). And if you are genetically female but you hate clothes and prefer reading maps and doing long division, that is also…well, maybe not cool, but totally your prerogative.

But for all the ladies who put the “girly” in “girly-girl,” this is for you. Oh, wait, I forgot, it’s actually just a weak front for me to blather on about my makeup because I LOVE MAKEUP. So, amendment, this post should be titled: The WildHeart’s Guide to Making Your Face Look Less Bad, but I’m not changing it because “How to Be a Girl” is catchier.

It’s kind of awkward that I am writing this and absolutely no one who reads my blog will be interested in it. But it’s y’all’s own fault, because I go all Oliver Twist and beg you for comments but no one tells me what to write about, so ha! This is what you get. A makeup guide. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY. (Really, though, I don’t even know what you darlings like to read about, because I post such random things that it’s hard to tell what is a hit and what is shit. Sex posts? Drug posts? Rock and roll posts?)

ANYWAY back to the pressing matters at hand: Stuff Girls (and Guys Who Like to Be Pretty) Can Do to Their Faces!

My general makeup routine goes something like this. And if you’re a mascara-and-lip gloss girl and you don’t know what I’m talking about, keep in mind that I could literally fill a whole duffel bag with my makeup collection alone, so don’t be daunted.

  1. First, I wash my face! (Can you believe it? I’m really cutting-edge with my makeup routine.) Then I toss on a little toner, and wait for it to dry. Then it puts the lotion on its skin.
  2. Primer! Primer is this sexy new thing I just got into that makes your face all smooth and perfect like a smooth, perfect cloud. You can wear it by itself, allegedly, but every makeup-lovin’ person I know just uses it under makeup to make your skin more perfect.
  3. De-puffing under-eye roller!
  4. Foundation! I never used to use it, and now I look back at all my pictures and want to puke. It makes you look sooooo much better, as long as you don’t pick the wrong color or cake it all over your face like a drag queen (unless that’s what you’re going for). Some people have beautiful skin and don’t need it, in which case, don’t fucking wear it! But it makes me look a lot better. I use a stippling brush for mine, and I own four different shades for my varying levels of tan throughout the year.
  5. Loose powder! It sets the foundation and really gives an all-over flawless finish. The only slight problem is that it makes your skin really matte, which is okay but I prefer a dewy finish. Which brings us to…
  6. Bronzer/blush/highlighter! I don’t usually use all three unless I’m getting drunk and slutty, but combining any 2 is usually okay for daytime. Highlighter gives you that glowy look, and bronzer and blush make you look…bronze and blushing, respectively.
  7. Eye primer! It makes your eyeshadow stay on longer. Yup.
  8. Eyeshadow! Eyeliner! Mascara!
  9. Lip liner! Now, I absolutely loathe that horrid early 90’s look where someone outlined their mouth in red marker and filled it in with pink, but I bought lip liner in the color Natural and I fill in my whole mouth with it, like you’re coloring your lips with crayon. It makes the color last and the shape of your mouth more defined, and lipstick doesn’t feather. Which brings us to…
  10. Lipstick or lip gloss!
  11. And now for taking all that shit off…makeup wipes, followed by a good cleanser. Then I use nighttime face moisturizer and an eye cream!

You’re thinking, “Wow, she is one high-maintenance bitch.” But this is like my full-on, balls-out face thing. (Ew, I don’t like using “balls” and “face” in the same sentence.) Usually, I do foundation and bronzer and lipstick, which is enough. I mean, when you’re as good-looking as me, you don’t really need much help. But you people…no, just kidding, you’re gorgeous. So why did I write this long boring post that most of you probably didn’t even read (which means probably no one is reading this part right here…PICKLED OREOS!)? Because I couldn’t think of anything else at the moment. Cheers!

 

 

Shoes That You Could Wear Instead of Uggs

It’s winter. Your poor little feet are cold, and you want some adorable boots that go with everything. There’s snow on the ground, and you need to buy some shoes, stat. So what do you do? You snatch your mom’s credit card, bop on down to the Ugg Emporium, and spend $150 on these things.

Now, there are worse shoes. Crocs, for example. Or those boots made out of denim that JLo used to wear back when she was Jenny. Uggs are actually kind of adorable, like little fluffy puppies you shove your feet into, only without the animal abuse. (Unless you count all the dead sheep used to make le Uggs.)

This might be abuse-ish if no one takes down their laundry, but awwww!

But. $150? $150?!!?!? I have a friend who owns about ten pairs of the things, and you aren’t supposed to get them wet, apparently, because it ruins the outside (unless you buy their $20 Care Kit!). She said hers came also with a slip that told her not to wear them with socks, because it’ll wear out the fluffiness of the inside. So, in summary, Uggs are $150-$350 winter boots that you can’t get wet or wear with socks?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY. Why. I don’t understand. They are casual and comfortable and you just plop your tootsies in there and go, and the colors are nice, and from what I understand they’re fairly well made. These things all make sense. But there are so many better options! If I’m going to spend $150 on shoes, I’m going to spend them on shoes that don’t look like a 5-year-old girl’s galoshes.

Here are some great alternatives to making your feet look like fat sheepskin pillows buying Uggs: these Steven Madden boots ($150), these gorgeous heeled ones from Mod Cloth (only $50!), these classy J. Crew boots ($350), these two-toned platforms from Clark’s ($210), or these Guess boots ($105).

Pick any of them! Just, for the love of God, if you’re going to spend some people’s weekly paycheck on shoes, at least make them beautiful boots that will make you look sophisticated and sexy, instead of I’m-a-fashionless-drone-whose-Uggs-perfectly-match-my-ripped-Abercrombie-jeans-and-hoodie!

See, Sophia Loren can rock a pair of boots.

 

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