One of my friends told me that her boyfriend loves when she has long nails. Apparently he thinks they’re sexy, and he likes getting his back scratched, and he loves the sound they make when she drags them across a chalkboard. (Okay, maybe not the last part.)

I was like, “Okay, to each their own,” and went about my merry way, thinking about rainbows and kittens and world domination. But then I was out to lunch and some randos were along, and one of the boys was enthusiastically asking his girlfriend, “Do you wear long nails? Have you ever had long nails?” I had a trippy acid flashback to the first nail-oriented combo, and so I realized that girls with long nails is kind of a Thing (for certain boys, at least), like red hair or thongs.

Listen. There are two things I will never grow out for a boy, and my nails are one of them. Why? Well, let me tell you.

  1. I don’t like having talons. I have had acrylics a few times, out of sheer boredom, and I hate them. Hate. Hate hate double hate loathe. I feel like a retarded pterodactyl when I try to pick things up. The only good thing about them is the great noise they make when you tap your fingers like a bitchy receptionist.
  2. My science teacher in high school told me about how all these people at a party got salmonella from “a tiny bit of poop” in their dinner. You wanna know how that got there? It was under one of the chef-lady’s talons. POO FINGERS ARE NOT SEXY. (Although, what the fuck? Maybe don’t finger your [disgustingly dirty] asshole before you serve dinner to a bunch of people, you sick filthy freak.)
  3. I don’t like how they look. I think short nails are cuter and prettier and I won’t scratch my eyes out when I put in my contacts, which is always a bonus.
  4. How do you give a handie with those bad boys on? It’s not like I normally involve my fingernails in that action, but I feel like it’s kind of unavoidable when  said fingernails are an inch long. You know what’s not sexy? Getting shanked in the dick.
  5. How do you give yourself some attention, more importantly? I am not looking to accidentally rape myself, thankyouverymuch.

See that? That right there is the nail-length I like. Plus, I also dip my nails in heavy-grade gold glitter (that is not sarcasm, but God’s honest truth, because your nails feel soooo cool after you do it).

So. If long nails are anyone’s thing, that is peachy keen for them. But don’t scratch me with those claws.