Things That Ruin Real Life (But Never the Movies)

Movies and TV are a dream world, and I get that. But lately, the trend has been gritty, hyperrealism–take the hungry, dirty cast of The Walking Dead and the depressing personal lives of everyone on Mad Men, for example. Everything about modern movies and shows is as real as possible…but damn, do they still forget some important details. Such as…

  1. Periods. Yeah, people, I’m going there. Sometimes–usually about once a month–girls have some “lady business” going on. And for those of you who don’t know, it’s not a one-day affair. I am really not sure how all the women of The Walking Dead are coping without tampons. And if you’re saying, “Oh, they have some but they just don’t show it,” bullpuckey. They made a whole episode about getting baby formula, so don’t tell me one of those girls isn’t in need of some feminine hygiene products. And Lost is even worse. There is NO WAY they were getting pads from anywhere, but nobody breathes a word about that.
  2. Haircuts. See above–how the fuck is anyone in end-of-the-worldia making time for a nice trim with haircutting scissors? Or a straight shave?
  3. Dead bodies. In a lot of movies and shows where a large number of people die, there are WAY less bodies around than one would expect. Or, said dead bodies are pretty as a peach, since no movie wants to show the beloved main character looking like a bloated beluga whale. Let’s get real here–corpses aren’t cute.
  4. Bullet counts. Oh, wow, the main character of EVERY MOVIE EVER has a magical 42-round pistol! Better buy me one of those before it’s illegal, ammIright? Count the shots in the next big fight scene you’re watching, and I’d bet my bottom dollar the hero is not reloading when his double-barrel shotgun kills 9 people.
  5. Makeup. Unless the movie is about beauty queens, you’re supposed to assume that everyone just looks like that. They show the girl next door lying down peacefully with a full face of makeup, and you’re supposed to believe part of her “natural beauty” are eyelash extensions and lipliner. Or said girl will be running through the woods for 6 weeks without food and water, but her eyeshadow is still flawless.
  6. Clothes. No one in movies or TV shows EVER repeats an outfit. Even characters that aren’t supposed to be loaded seem to have a limitless closet. Take Sookie from True Blood–she’s a bayou waitress with noooo money and yet she owns more sundresses than a Macy’s.
  7. Sex. I know that showing the two hot-and-heavy leads taking out a condom kind of kills the magic, but damn, people, STDs!

Now, I could go on and on, but I’m in the middle of a movie marathon, so I’ve gotta go soak up more deliciously flawed entertainment.

Dexter Is Still Sexy

I am way, way, way behind on this show. It is great. If anyone leaves a comment telling me anything that happens halfway after season two, I’ll make like Dex and chop you up (just kidding, that’s creepy and I’m a little squeamish).

But I have a problem, and the problem is that I can’t watch it without wanting to fuck Dexter. Not Michael C. Hall. Michael C. Hall has been divorced twice and seems a little slutty. Dexter, on the other hand, is a delicious sexy monster man with emotional issues and seriously jacked arms (well, I guess Mikey Hall has those too, but moving on).

And I’m sorry, but the scene in season one where he goes to the therapist and uncovers some cray-cray emotional flashbacks and then goes over to his girlfriend’s house and gets it in? Hottest. Thing. Ever.

See, I hate blonde men, and I really hate gingers, and Michael C. Hall is a mix of both. And he has blue eyes, I think, and despite the Cro-Magnon brow he has a tiny bit of a pretty-boy face. None of these things are my thing; in fact, they are the opposite of “my thing.” But something about Dexter makes me want to do omhfdngfjnjksgnd ridiculous things. He just has some kind of magic sexual sparkle dust that he, like, throws into my eyes from the TV screen. I mean, I’ve written a post about how hot he is before, but lately I am just overcome with lust watching that show.

I think it’s just animal magnetism. Like with Kayne West or Eric Dane or the guy who plays Thor–none of those guys are my scruffy, scrumptious type, but they just have that something sexy. And, well, yup, that’s pretty much my whole point with this post: I THINK CELEBRITIES ARE HOT AND I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM. There, that would’ve summed things up. But then you never would’ve seen that shirtless photo of Dexter, and I couldn’t deprive anyone of that pleasure.

Not an Amish Paradise

I haven’t had internet for the past week, and I suffered severe withdraw symptoms, including but not limited to: shaking, night terrors, typing on my computer while it was shut off, and licking electrical outlets.

My apartment was supposed to get kitted out with the World Wide Web (ha, remember the ’90s?) today, but because I suck at technology it is probably not going to be up and running yet. But I was feening, so I am typing this from a little café on the Rue de Thérain…or, you know, in a free Wi-Fi zone. I just missed you little People of the Internet so much, and I was tickled pink to come back to some comments.

Anyway, I was going to write a handy-dandy little survival guide to living as an Amish person. But then my brain floated back into my head and I realized that anyone reading a blog post about how to subsist-sans-internet is on the internet. So. There goes that.

But in case your internet dies the second after you finish reading this, my recommendations for not shooting yourself with boredom when stuck in a webless house during a rainstorm (am I lucky, or am I lucky?) are as follows:

  1. Play Pac-Man. Lots and lots of Pac-Man. Preferably until your thumbs hurt and you are cursing at the screen, usually about how those stupid little ghost motherfuckers like to trap you in corners like a bunch of assholes.
  2. Watch The Vampire Diaries, Season One, even if you just watched all twenty-two episodes twice in the past week.
  3. Have sex.
  4. Go the mall, a lot, and wander aimlessly around Border’s going-out-of-business sale until you find a giant glossy coffee-table book for $3.23. Buy it, and then take it home to realize that half of it is red-carpet pictures from 1986.
  5. Have some more sex.

There you go, you lucky on-the-internet bastards.

The Wild Hearts Seventy-Third Annual TV Awards

Hello, and welcome to this special edition of the Wild Hearts Annual TV Awards! It’s our 73rd anniversary!

Just kidding, the Internet machine didn’t work so well in 1938 on account of a slow WiFi connection. So welcome to the First Totally-Not-Annual May-Never-Happen-Again (Or-Maybe-Next-Month) TV Awards! Without further ado, here’s a list of the Wild Hearts winners!

1.) TV Show With the Hottest (Male) Cast

Winner: The Vampire Diaries. Um, have you SEEN Ian Somerhalder? I am fairly sure he’s the most attractive man who’s ever lived. And if you’re not into good-looking people, there’s always Paul Wesley. (Just kidding, he’s also devastatingly handsome, but without the stubble and dark hair, which knocks off a lot of points.) Not to mention the hot-ass History teacher, the decently cute brother of the main character (Nina Dobrev), and the handsome-in-a-jock way ex-boyfriend. Even the incidental characters who get killed off or make only a passing appearance are dead sexy (HAHAHA that’s a vampire joke, get it?). (Also, disclaimer, I’m only halfway through the first season on DVD so if all these people are totally not in the show anymore, don’t judge. They were hot when they were around, okay?)

2.) Preachiest TV Show of the Year (And Possibly Ever, Besides That Really Boring Show About Pregnant Secretive American Teenage Sluts or Whatever)

Winner: Glee.  Now, I know you Internet people love your Glee. And so do I, really. I love it so much that I own some of the songs on iTunes and I even occasionally watch The Glee Project. But that show is so mothertrucking preachy I don’t even think they re-read the script before filming. I feel like all the characters literally say things like, “You need to practice safe sex in the future. Abstinence is the only 100% effective way to make sure you don’t get pregnant or get an STD, but condoms are also good, when used correctly.” Like, they don’t even try to make the lines believable or blend-y. And tell me what-the-fuck bunch of high schoolers are that serious about stuff? I mean, they have so many issues and causes and boring monologues ramming things like gay marriage advocacy and better school arts programs down the viewers’ throats, it’s insane. (And hey, I am all for getting married to your same-sex sweetheart while being serenaded by a thriving high school show choir, but there are subtler ways to mention it, is all I’m saying.)

3.) Most Surprisingly Entertaining Show Considering Its Terrible Name and Network

Winner: Drop Dead Diva. In the interest of fairness, this show might SUCK, with all-capital letters and the strength of a giant Dyson vacuum, because I’ve only seen one episode. But I was entertained for a whole hour. And I have the attention span of a–what’s that floating thing? Yeah, so that’s saying a lot. Watch it, maybe, and tell me if it’s actually good or if this award is a fluke? (Kanye West hasn’t jumped in front of me and typed ACTUALLY MTV’S AWKWARD DESERVES THIS HONOR INSTEAD, so maybe it really is deserving. Although Awkward can have the runner-up prize; the two episodes I caught were okay-ish.)

Also, this is a really sloppy cast photo. I guess Lifetime is too busy cooking up movies where nannies kill people and get amnesia to spring for a glamour shot like every other channel.

4.) TV Show With the Most Sticking Power

Winner: Keeping Up with the Kardashians. This show just doesn’t get boring. I don’t know what it is. It’s been on for, what, eighteen billion seasons? (Okay, or six, counting the ongoing one, but come on, it feels like longer.) I feel like every time I flip the channel, there’s a ton of black hair and boobs in my face…and I love it. Seriously, though, the Kardashians don’t fail to entertain. Somehow, even after six years of shows, they are still interesting, even when they’re just, like, complaining and eating peanut butter.

5.) TV Show Most Worthy of the Hype

Winner: True Blood. Another disclaimer–I have only seen a handful of episodes, all out of order, so I mostly just looked at the pretty people and the blood and didn’t really pay attention to the plot. But their Southern accents are just delightful, and everything about that show just seems fun and different than every other lame hackneyed let’s-jump-on-the-Twilight-bandwagon show (my beloved Vampire Diaries aside, of course). Everyone is always going on and on about that damn show, but it actually seems like it’s worth the insane fan-dom.

So, there you have it. All winners scored the ultimate grand prize of a Polaroid camera*!

*Winners by the name of Ian Somerhalder may accept their prize with the stipulation that they must take LOTS of naked pictures and send them to contest holder (the Wild Hearts, ltd.).

The Attention Span of a Gnat

I have this little problem where I fall in love with things and adore them for weeks, and then I find something newer and shinier to love and forget all about the first thing. The problem is called “the attention span of a gnat.” (Gnats also get fixated on random things for a month and then ditch them too–what, you didn’t know that? Read a science textbook, seriously.)

I have been like this ever since I was little, when I went from wanting to be a waitress (such big dreams–I was a really ambitious kid) to wanting to be Leeloo from The Fifth Element to deciding that being a gladiator was more my style. This all happened in the course of one day.

And now that I’m at gladiator school with my orange chin-length bob, I’m doing some reflecting on this problem of mine. Oh, wait, nope, I forgot about all that stuff like five minutes later. And I forgot why I even wrote it just now. Oops, I think all of this was just a really elaborate and boring segue into telling the Internet People about my latest obsession: Skins.

Or, more accurately, Effy from Skins. If you watch it (and, dear God, I mean the English version, because the American one is so bad that I can’t even–I just can’t even) you might be like, “Why?” My answer is: her bitchin’ eye makeup and crazy clothes. I don’t know if English people actually dress like that (see the post before this one–I’m totes on a British bender today) and I don’t really care, because I’ve been busting out my craziest layers and black eyeliner with Effy as inspiration all week.

See that? That is some fierce day makeup. Other than that Effy basically just does lots of drugs and doesn’t really say anything, besides super-emo I-feel-nothing-I’m-so-cool shit. But that has no bearing on her awesome clothes (that’s what TV shows are all about, right?), so even if she gets hit by a bus in the next episode I watch, we’re cool.

Seriously, though, my gnat-attention disorder thingy better kick in soon, or else I’m going to go broke buying black eye shadow.


Sexter (That Was Really Lame. Sorry.)

I have become a little bit obsessed with Dexter.

For those People of the Internet who haven’t had the pleasure of watching, Dexter is about a blood spatter-ologist who moonlights as a serial killer. But he’s a good serial killer, ’cause he only slays baddies who deserve it. Also he has no feelings, but he wants to have feelings, which seems to me to be almost the same as having feelings. Wow, I just typed “feelings” a lot. Anyway.

I’m not usually super into cop shows, and Dexter’s sister is a cop and he works for the police, but it’s not that kind of thing at all. Like, people don’t stand around all dramatically drinking black coffee and mumbling, “I’m gonna catch that bastard!” It’s more like Dexter stands there drooling over the latest murder he’s cataloging while his boss says, “Get that creepy fucking smile off your face, Dexter!” I mean, seriously, I’m only on the first season, but how they haven’t noticed that Dexter has a huge fucking boner for death is beyond me. He literally just grins at all the dismembered bodies the police show him and is all like, “Awwww, yeah. Can’t wait ’till I get off work to do some of this myself!”

Also, he’s sexy. He kind of has a Cro-Magnon thing going on in the facial region, but mmm, that body. He can not have feelings for me anytime.

The only thing I don’t really like about Dexter is Dex’s girlfriend. She has this horrible breathy voice that makes me want to stab her. Or maybe that’s just the show’s violence getting to me. Nope, wait, I still want to stab her. Seriously, she’s so God-damn simpering and breathless all the fucking time. Like, what, do you run everywhere with a rehabilitating asthma condition? I hope Dexter kills her soon.

But, besides her dumb voice, it is a new favorite show. Also it takes place in Miami, so there is lots of fun Spanish music. And a Spanish dude with a speech impediment, which is also fun.