Want > Need

Right now, I am longing for…

…a bright red shirt with the Coca-Cola logo on it, fresh flowers to fill my room, a Jag, less split ends, a spa day, a tiny fuzzy pet to hug, tan suede wedges, slutty velvet dresses from American Apparel, a stable full of horses, summertime, more sushi from the place up the street, a plain tank top in every color of the rainbow but mostly black, and the motivation to work on my other blog.

Oh, shhh, I’m starting a personal blog! Kind of fashiony, kind of not, lots of pictures of my sexual self (but not sexual pictures, you little pervs)–you know the type. But tragically, none of you can ever see it since you read all my freaky-deaky thoughts and you know all my deep-dark secrets. So why am I telling you, you ask? Well, for no reason, I answer! Anyway, what are you longing for tonight?

 

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Let’s Go Rouge: The WildHearts 2012 Totally Doable Ladies List

Hey, guys! Wow, it’s been a while! Almost a month to the day, to be exact! You’ve lost weight in the 26 days (I’m guesstimating) since we last spoke! And you there–did you grow out your beard? It really suits you!

Okay, now that we’re done catching up, welcome to my first post of 2012! It’s about lesbianism, so hold onto your pants. I’ve decided to make a list of celebrities I would totally jump if I liked lady parts. The thing is, though, I don’t like lady parts, and never will, so instead, you can use this as a helpful guide for kidnapping whichever celebrities YOU want to have lesbian sex with! Feel free to add to/amend this list in the comments, because I already promised the FBI I’d send them leads if Mila Kunis goes missing. Which brings us to…

1.) Mila Kunis. Surprise! I honestly think straight girls want her more than straight guys do. Almost every single girl I know fully wants to scissor with Mila, and I’m pretty sure they’d really do it, too. She seems cool and funny in every movie she’s in, she has great hair, and her face is kind of perfect. I don’t know what ladies-who-love-ladies look for in their women, but I can’t really think of better qualifications than “cool,” “funny,” and “hot.”

2.) Miranda Kerr. Maybe there’s something in the MK initials that makes someone super-gorgeous? Let’s all change our names and find out. Either way, Miranda Kerr is stupidly beautiful–and, again, practically every girl I know adores her. Total V magnet–plus, if I was gay, I would totally love to brag that my girlfriend was a Victoria’s Secret Model.

3.) Amber Heard. If any real, live, actual lesbians/bisexies are reading this, I put an attainable one on here for you! I think Amber Heard is gorgeous and she seems “real-er” than your average blond bombshell actress, if that makes a lick of sense. Even if she’s as fake as a Barbie’s ass, though, she is very pretty and has the added bonus of being bi. You’re welcome.

4.) Beyonce. It’s Beyonce. Have you seen her dance, ever? I really don’t need to write anything else.

5.) Angelina Jolie. She’s a little old for me, but not for you, maybe? Either way, I saw recent pictures of her on the red carpet and nearly passed out. She’s unhumanly attractive. Whatever she does to stay looking so young–even if it’s killing kittens and drinking their blood–I want in (okay, the kittens are a dealbreaker). If she’s too aged for you, I’m sure there are girls who would go for her trashy young replacement Megan Fox. Foxy is also undoubtedly gorgeous but her annoying personality is less pretty.

Happy 2012, my little horn-dogs!

Edit: I was perusing some fashion blogs and I totally forgot about my massive girl-crush on Jessica Stam, mostly because I forgot she existed. But she is so pretty in that way that all girls I like to be pretty–like an adorable doll, but edgier. Plus she’s way taller than me so I wouldn’t have to be the butch. So I present Bonus Biddy of the WildHearts 2012 Totally Doable Ladies List: Jess Stam!

She gets two pictures, because she’s a model and because I feel like it. You jelly, Miranda Kerr?

 

Reader Request: Aphrodisiacs

A lovely reader suggested that I write about aphrodisiacs, so guess what? I’m going to write a post that doesn’t mention aphrodisiacs at all, besides those two times I just did mention aphrodisiacs. Damn it, I mentioned them again! Well, I might as well just go with it.

Aphrodisiacs, according to the never-wrong Wikipedia, are “substances that increase sexual desire.” Some of my favorites are whipped cream, lingerie, and–oh, wait, I got confused. (But seriously, in my opinion, getting dressed in a garter belt and some stockings is going to “increase your man’s/whoa-man’s sexual desire” a lot more than any aphrodisiac.)

However, I can’t argue with science, and science says that there is some stuff you can use to roofie your significant other make your significant other want you even more than they already do. According to this helpful article, and this one, some of these things are great for gettin’ it in:

  1. Oysters. Apparently, they resemble the vag, and that is supposed to be sexy. Except the oysters in the picture look like someone’s lady parts after they got attacked by a flame thrower, so I think only really “special” people would find that a turn-on.
  2. Chocolate. This one, I can agree with. There’s some boring sciencey reasons why (phenylethylamine and serotonin are in chocolate, and they get all freaky with your brain’s pleasure centers), but I am really not going to argue with anyone who says eating more chocolate is going to get me laid.
  3. Nuts. Not the ones in your dude’s pants, unless he is the sort of guy who puts peanuts down his trousers. In which case, you probably shouldn’t want to have sex with him. But they’re antioxidant-y and that makes your blood pump better…to all the parts of your body. Rawr.
  4. Cinnamon. No article told me this, but it is a widely known fact. At least, among everyone smart and awesome I know. I am addicted to cinnamon gum, and trust, people like to kiss people who taste/smell like cinnamon. You know why? Because cinnamon is awesome and delicious.
  5. Booze. This one is stupid, but factual. It also really gets people in the mood if you toss in a couple tabs of E! (Don’t do that, freak.)

Yay! Now you know how to trick people into wanting you how to seduce people! I kid, I kid; everybody needs to spice things up (ha! See, cinnamon = spice! Get it? Get it?) now and again. But I recommend some lingerie to go with your chocolate-covered rum-fried oyster dinner.

 

Leopard-Print Sex Shoes

Don’t be shocked, but I’m going to post a picture of shoes and ramble on about how much I want them. Oooohhh, these shoes are sooooo great, I love them sooooo much, pleaseeee someone buy them for me.

No, but seriously, go to the store, buy those, and mail ’em on over.

My Future Pet

Meet my future pet.

Yeah, he’s pretty great, isn’t he?

Arrr-ight!

Dear Internet, it’s my birthday in two months. I want this:

Thank you in advance.

Shoe Porn

I just came.